Achmed, the Good-As-Dead Terrorist

by Tiger Lilly

We went to the Mediterranean Sea today. The water was warm, surprisingly enough, and the waves were… happy. In fact, they inspired a poem:

Ah, the blue of the sea
I am floating in a cloud of dreams
I am one with the– WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?!

Okay, so Dad wrote most of that one. I just paraphrased. However, I had an… interesting experience, shall we say. There were some people in the water who were waiting until a wave was curling in on itself, and then diving headfirst into the wave. This usually ended up with them being tossed about in the water and washing up a few yards (meters) away closer to shore. Not that they were very far out anyway, probably just 15 feet into the water. I was wading, picking up nice rocks, when one of these wave-divers was swept towards me and managed to stop by hitting my legs. I saw it coming, but couldn’t exactly move out of the way, considering the water that was swirling up around my shins. The man was in his late-thirties and had long-ish hair, with a bald spot. He apologized, I asked him if he was okay, yadda yadda. I probably shouldn’t have encouraged him by saying that, though. He went back to his waves. I waded in a little deeper, letting bigger waves hit me, until 15 minutes later he noticed me again, just as a large wave came up and smacked me in the face. I went back to retrieve my towel to wipe my face off, and he beckoned me farther out to sea (we were in a set swimming area, so you couldn’t go out past a half-mile). I managed to make my way past the waves that were trying desperately to push me back. Finally I got to the point where the waves were swelling, but not actually breaking. It was fun to jump just as the crest of the wave comes up to you and then slide down the other side of it. It’s kind of hard to explain, and not really relevant to the story, so I’ll just shut up about that and move on.

ANYway, as we were moving with the waves, this same guy asked me where I was from, what my name was, and where I was going. He said his name was Achmed, and he was from Pakistan. My first thought was, Achmed? As in, the terrorist? As in, the Dead Terrorist? Then he said, “You look very beautiful.” Then my thought process changed to, Okay, a little creepy, what kind of person randomly says stuff like that? Maybe this is what passes for small talk in Pakistan. But I just smiled and said thank you and that was that. I lost track of where I was floating, and when I looked back to where Mom was standing and holding my towel, I saw she was waving her arms dramatically in some ancient form of communication. I surmised that she wanted me to go back to shore, so, thinking that it was time to go, I said good-bye to Achmed. His response:

A: “Do you have a mobile phone number?”

Me: *thinking* Oh yeah, it’s 612-232-1638 (which is actually the rejection hotline number. Call it, it’s a hilarious recording to listen to). *to him* No, sorry, I don’t have a cell phone (ah, the all-too-convenient truth).

He said something else, but I couldn’t understand what it was, so I just shrugged and went back to Mom. Mom simply said to watch where I was swimming, because the waves had carried me about 10 or 15 yards away from where I had originally started. Then she said,

RM: That guy (meaning Achmed) in the black shirt likes you.

Me: *thinking* No, really? *to Mom* I know. A little creepy.

 Back in the water, he again came up to me and started up some other conversation.

A: Will you marry me?

Me: *didn’t hear him correctly* What?

A: You’re just so beautiful.

Me: Thank you. *Dad, please get the shotgun…and shark repellent.*

Then, conveeeeeeeniently, a large wave came rushing up. We both went under and were being carried around by the waves. I’m not sure if this was an accident, but I think it probably wasn’t: under the pretext of trying to get back on his feet, I felt his hands wrap around my shin and climb up. Much farther up than they should have been (Ach-med, Oct-opus, not very much of a difference. They’re both grabby). I refrained from killing him violently (I have a katana that fits in my bikini, you know), for fear that the blood in the water would attract sharks. That’s me, always thinking of other people’s safety… Thankfully, the wave settled down just as another came up and I was swept away from him and his probably lecherous grip. After a couple futile attempts to get back into the middle of the swimming area, and a few mouthfuls of sea water (it was very very salty, and I thought I was going to throw up), Mom did her waving thing again, and this time it was actually time to go. As I waved good-bye (forever, I hope), he blew a kiss. My eye twitched, and I considered doing something rude. I settled for another half-hearted wave and turned away, to see Dad standing much closer than the action than I thought he was. Dad told me that he also waved to Achmed, only his wave was much more threatening.

All through the night now, I’ve been having weird little twitches and shivers, feeling like Achmed’s hands were still there, just begging me to chop them off…

Apparently, the reason Dad wasn’t at the scene sooner was because he was taking a picture of Achmed to wire to the Department of Homeland Security.

Guess which pervo is Achmed...

Guess which pervo is Achmed...

Okay, okay, I know you guessed wrong on that one (don’t try to lie to me, I can read minds through computers), so here is the correct answer:

Ta daaa!!! I know, it's really detailed. Is this enough info for a tag team effort with you and Dad, Kevin?

Ta daaa!!! I know, it's really detailed. Is this enough info for a tag team effort with you and Dad, Kevin?

Ciao for now!

On the move again

by the Night Writer

We spent the day in Segovia and nearly burned up a memory card in the digital camera. No time to download thoughts or photos now because we’re up early Tuesday to move operations to Barcelona. There’s much to share beyond the Segovia trip. The Reverend Mother and Tiger Lilly both have stimulating accounts of shocking eating encounters and I may or may not (depending on how the company performs in the next crucial hours) may have a withering review of an accomodations service that may have the impression that it still counts as air-conditioning if you can lower the temperature in your apartment to 28C (aboout 84 F) when the outside temp is 35C.

As Tiger Lilly would say, “Ciao for now.” Hope to pick up the thread soon from Barcelona.

Madrid is the Mall of the World

by the Night Writer

Minnesota may be home to the Mall of America, but Madrid at night has to be the Mall of the World, especially on the weekends. Dinner is served very late here by American standards, often not until 9 p.m. (and may go on for a couple of hours) and when dinner is over the party is only beginning. Many of the streets of this old and historic city are narrow and fill with people once the sun goes down as everyone hits the cobblestones to move between the pubs and clubs in the quest for tapas, canas and a good time. Meanwhile, the music pumps from each establishment and the still warm night air is frequently punctuated with shouts and singing. The number of people moving in both directions of streets lined with open establishments is just like at a mall and the enthusiasm is catching.

This photo was taken at about 1 a.m. Sunday morning, just as things are really getting going. This street runs past the apartment building where we are staying and there are several bars and restaurants along this way and in the surrounding blocks.

This photo was taken at about 1 a.m. Sunday morning, just as things are really getting going. This street runs past the apartment building where we are staying and there are several bars and restaurants along this way and in the surrounding blocks.

Even in the heat of the day there is hustle and bustle in this very cosmopolitan city, though the pace would drive a New Yorker crazy as nobody seems to be in too great a hurry.

These turtles are denizens of Madrid and perhaps represent what it can be like to move along a sidewalk here at times. These turtles, however, live in a lush pond inside of Atocha Station, one of the hubs of the city.

These turtles are denizens of Madrid and perhaps represent what it can be like to move along a sidewalk here at times. These turtles, however, live in a lush pond inside of Atocha Station, one of the hubs of the city.

The heat probably contributes to that, but while the temperatures have been well into the 90s in both Madrid and Cazorla while we’ve been here, the humidity is pretty low. If you are in the shade it is really quite bearable, so strategic positioning is a must as you move from place to place.

"Come ye who are hot and heavy-laden and I will give thee shade." Ok, that's not a direct translation, but in this photo the Son of Man beckons one to the shady and pleasant side of the street.

Come ye who are hot and heavy-laden and I will give thee shade -- Ok, that's not a direct translation, but in this photo the Son of Man beckons one to the shady and pleasant side of the street.

This tree-lined apart immediately in front of the Prado is an attactive and comfortable place to stroll.

This tree-lined apart immediately in front of the Prado is an attactive and comfortable place to stroll.

The affects of the sangria from the Menu del dias are evident, but the shady boulevard in front of the Prado is a good place for a crash siesta.

The affects of the sangria from the Menu del Dias are evident, and the shady park in the boulevard that runs in front of the Prado is a good place for a crash siesta.

What we haven´t been telling you

by the Night Writer

While the Reverend Mother and I are keeping busy at our Pueblo Ingles program, we have assumed that Tiger Lilly was similarly occupied at her own PI venue with other teen-agers. It´s impossible to keep things from getting back to your parents, however, and kingdavid at The Far Wright brought the image and details below to my attention:

That’s right, Tiger Lilly is off to the left of this scene, hot on the heels of the bull. She’s been in Spain for less than a week, and she’s already creating havoc with the ninja bovines over there.

El toro

Apparently, I also have secrets of my own:

Run!

Commando with confidence in Cazorla

by the Night Writer

For our first week in Spain we have been participating in the English-immersion program for Spaniards run by Pueblo Ingles. Tiger Lilly is with a group of teen-agers near the French border while the Reverend Mother and I are in Cazorla in the south. Pueblo Ingles (PI) offers this experience several times a year in venues around Spain (and occasionally in Italy) and Spanish-speakers pay money to spend the week ostensibly speaking nothing but English as a way to improve their skills for business or personal reasons. To make this a more authentic and less theoretical exercise, PI recruits Anglos from around the world to come and work with the Spanish-speaking clients.

The groups are made up of equally of Spanish-speakers (they don´t like being called¨”Spaniards”, even by the Spaniards running the program) and Anglos. You spend the entire day from the time you get together at breakfast in the morning until you leave the bar late at night speaking English and explaining idioms. PI has a very well organized strategy that involves a series of hour-long one-on-one meetings, two-on-two meetings, individual telephone calls and conference calls, as well as meals and group activities where the two groups are equally mixed. There are almost 40 people in our cohort and in the last six days we have gotten to know each other well because of all the conversations and the constant rotation. Many companies pay to send their employees to PI programs but some of the guests have paid their own way for their own development. In our group of Espanoles we have two scientists from Spain´s version of the Nuclear Regulatory Agency, several teachers, a woman who owns a business in the Canary Islands, a research physicist, a doctor (rheumatologist), a couple of college students working on teaching, law or business degrees and several others. The majority of the group, both Spanish and Anglo, are women.

Given that, it was a bit of an unusual experience the other day when I was in a two-on-two session that was all men; two Americans and two Spaniards. We had a very interesting conversation about life and philosophy and at one point the youngest Spaniard, a teacher, asked the other American (another young man) what would be a good response if a friend approached you in a bar and asked how you were doing. My compatriot replied, “I´m living large and loving life!” The Spaniards liked this phrase and practiced it, trying to perfect getting the similar sounds in the right place. I then added that if a friend asked you how things were going and you were having a tough time you could say, “It´s a dog-eat-dog world and I´m wearing bacon underwear.”

This caused some consternation with our native-speakers as they were unfamiliar with the word “underwear”. It took a minute or two to explain what we were talking about and to help them grasp the humor of the statement about wearing bacon underwear when surrounded by hungry dogs. This lead into a discussion of “boxers or briefs”, and when the first young man asked my American friend what he wore, the Yank said “neither.” This brought confused looks to Juan and Fernando´s faces.

“Oh, so you´re going commando,” I said to the other American, and he responded affirmatively.

“Commando? What is commando?” asked Juan and Fernando. As this was explained they grew very animated and started laughing, even standing up and swinging their hips and saying “Commando! Commando!” As I have said, though, the group is largely female and several other two-on-twos were going on around us on the terrace. Notice was being taken and curious looks were rapidly running around the vicinity, followed by whispered explanations and more laughter as most eyes turned toward our macho group. I am so proud of my contribution to international understanding!

Photos from Cazorla

by the Night Writer

We have wireless internet access here in Cazorla, but for some reason none of us who brought laptops can get online. There is a single computer in the hotel bar and it is usually occupied with two or three people waiting to check email or travel details or, in my case, update their blog. Last night, however, we had a large party to mark the half-way mark of our program and most of the people partied well into the wee hours of the morning (the Reverend Mother and I were among the first to leave…at 1:00 a.m.!) This morning was a walking tour of Cazorla, and we just finished lunch; as a result everyone else has made their way back to their villas, most moving a bit like a clubbed snake, leaving the computer to me….mwa-ha-ha!

I will write more soon (I hope) about the interesting people and experiences we have been having (some might say the meetings have been “ordained”) but right now I’ll just upload some photos.

The first morning here we came around the corner of the main building in time to see the sun coming over the nearest mountain.

The first morning here we came around the corner of the main building in time to see the sun coming over the nearest mountain.

All of the buildings in Cazorla are white, and the town wraps around the sides of several hills.

All of the buildings in Cazorla are white, and the town wraps around the sides of several hills.

Another shot of the town, as seen from our hotel.

Another shot of the town, as seen from our hotel.

The streets of the town are narrow and steep, but people still drive cars through them.

The streets of the town are narrow and steep, but people still drive cars through them.

Castle Yedra looms over the town and our hotel. At night it is illuminated by floodlights and looks very cool.

Castle Yedra looms over the town and our hotel. At night it is illuminated by floodlights and looks very cool.

It's a bit of a steep walk to get the castle, but the Reverend Mother says it is worth it. I may find out before the week is over.

It's a bit of a steep walk to get the castle, but the Reverend Mother says it is worth it. I may find out before the week is over.

The door on the right is for our villa; it is very comfortable now that we found the air-conditioning switch!

The door on the right is for our villa; it is very comfortable now that we found the air-conditioning switch!

The Pueblo Ingles program is very demanding but also a lot of fun. We have break times, but most of the time you just want to recharge and in the evenings the dinner and socializing goes well into the night but we are with a fabulous group of people. In the next post I hope to tell more about what we are doing and perhaps include some photos from this morning’s excursion. We have had no word from Tiger Lilly at the Pueblo Ingles teen program in Els Avets, but we´re sure they are keeping the youth just as busy (if not busier) than they keep us!

Madrid by Metro

by the Night Writer

Our flying start Wednesday afternoon quickly turned into a stall as our flight was delayed at take-off in Minneapolis and then later put into a holding pattern outside of New York as our two-hour lay-over margin was sucked out the jet turbines along with the jet fuel; we landed five minutes after our connecting flight was scheduled to leave but fortunately that flight was delayed for take-off as well and we made it to the gate with bare minutes to spare. Six hours and something later we were again put in a holding pattern over Madrid.

Finally we were on the ground and waved through Customs with barely a nod. They might be more thorough as we’re leaving, just in case we try to smuggle Ricky Rubio out of Spain in one of our suitcases. After that we barely made it to our hotel before it was time to figure out our route to where Tiger Lilly was to meet her teen group at 1 p.m. and then back to our hotel-base for the walk to where the Reverend Mother and I were to meet our group for the official paella welcome and Flamenco demonstration at 2 p.m. Fortunately the Madrid Metro is fairly easy to negotiate once you get used to the names. As mundane as metro riding may be, there is more than just a touch of the exotic to boarding the Number 1 line at Anton Martin and riding through Tirso de Molina, Sol and Gran Via before transferring at Tribunal (Tree-boon-all) to catch the Number 10 line through Alonso Martinez to Gregorio Marañon.

After dropping off TL (and reversing the trek) we enjoyed the lunch and musical demonstration even though we were well into our 24th hour of being up without sleep. After our session the Reverend Mother and I then ventured even farther afield on the Metro to visit a magic store she had found on-line a couple of weeks earlier where we could pick up crucial props for her planned presentation that would never have been allowed through the tightened TSA sphincter. For the latter trip we’d take the 6-line via Ruben Dario, Diego DeLeon, El Carmen and Quintana (sounds like the batting order for the Twins’ Dominican League team) to Ascoa. That mission accomplished I escorted my wife all the way back to the hotel before repeating the earlier itinerary to reclaim Tiger Lilly and bring her back to the hotel so we could get to bed before the 34th hour of wakefulness had passed – all so we could request an early wake-up call in order to return TL to the pick-up spot for a 7:10 a.m. bus ride to Els Avets.

Coming back from THAT, I eschewed the Burger King at Anton Martin in favor of ordering a roll, bottle of peach juice and a cup of espresso café at a real café bar to bolster myself for getting the Rev. Mum, two large suitcases and two smaller bags to our own bus pick-up spot.

We took a cab.

Second honeymoon

by the Night Writer

No, not for the Reverend Mother and I, because we have regular honeymoons. This second honeymoon is for the Mall Diva and the Son@Night as the Rev. Mum, Tiger Lilly and I are leaving for Spain momentarily, leaving the youngsters all alone. I’m sure they’re going to feel lonely in the big house without us around, so feel free to visit!

Meanwhile, we’ll try to post updates and photos from our travels as we get internet access over the next couple of weeks.

Avast there, pirates!

by the Night Writer
I wonder what the carbon footprint is of killing enough trees to print a 1200+ page report, distributed to Congress, that no one reads?

Monday morning on Fox News Channel’s Fox and Friends, co-anchor Steve Doocy talked with Obama Administration Energy Czar Carol Browner (video):

STEVE DOOCY: “[I] know the bill is over 1,000 pages long. Have you have read it?”

CAROL BROWNER: “Oh, I’m very familiar with this bill.”

DOOCY: “Have you read it?”

BROWNER: “We have obviously been watching this for a very long time. I am very …”

DOOCY: “I’m sure you’ve got an idea of it, but you have read it?”

BROWNER: “I’ve read major portions of it, absolutely.”

DOOCY: “So the answer no you haven’t read it. But you’ve read a big chunk of it.”

BROWNER: “No, no, no that’s not fair. That’s absolutely not fair.”

DOOCY: “No, I’m just asking you if you read the thousand pages.”

BROWNER: “I’ve read vast portions of it.”

DOOCY: “Ok.”
— Fox News Channel’s “Fox & Friends,” 6/29/09

Vast portions? “Vast” as in some large conspiracy? Or maybe she meant “Vest” as in something they want to keep the actual details close to. If she had read 600 of the 1200 pages, would this be “half-vast”?