I may be a week or so away from resuming regular posting. A recent commenter, however, suggested posting pictures of squirrels because “Squirrels are funny.” Others think they are a terrorist menace.
Watch the video below and decide for yourself: documentary or propaganda?
I’ve made passing mention here a couple of times that I used to be a scoreboard operator at the Metrodome, working games for the Twins, Vikings and Gophers as well as working the odd (some odder than others) concert, tractor-pull or pro-wrasslin’ match. I only mentioned it before to add context to whatever else I was writing about at the time, figuring some time I’d get around to dedicating a post to the experience and offering a glimpse of what goes on behind the scenes at major sporting events. I don’t know that there’s ever a perfect time to write something like that, but an e-mailer did ask for more Dome details the other day, so here goes.
Back in early 1982 I was an over-extended single guy looking for a part-time job to supplement my income, but I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s or someplace where someone I knew might see me. Perusing the want ads one day I saw an ad that went something like this: “Part-time opportunity, evenings and week-ends. Must be knowledgeable about football and baseball, able to type 50+ wpm and not afraid to perform in front of large crowds. For more info contact…” There was no mention of what the job was, and I almost dismissed it. The more I thought about it, though, I realized that there wasn’t anything in the ad that didn’t apply to me…even the large crowds thing. I applied, was interviewed, given a typing test and, obviously, hired.
There were 8 scoreboard operators plus Dick Davis from the Metropolitan Sports Commission who was in charge of the scoreboard and us. We were divided into two four-person teams and I was the only person who wasn’t a school teacher; six of the others, in fact, where coaches or had experience coaching as well. The system was all computer operated (though our first computers were very large and almost primitive) and there was a minor stink in the Strib before the season started because the new computerized system meant replacing the old groundskeepers from the Met who had been hanging the signs for the old board. Whatever.
The two crews alternated games, and within the crews we rotated through the four scoreboard positions on a game-by-game basis. Originally the job required someone to register balls, strikes, runs and the line score; someone to type in and display advertising and other messages during the course of the game; someone to keep track of and update out of town games; and someone to operate the sole video camera, perched on the second-deck fascia above third base. Unless the game was televised (and a lot of Twins games then weren’t) this was the stadium’s replay camera, beaming images to the black and white (black and yellow, actually) board, to be displayed through thousands of lightbulbs (“fuzz-dots” we called ’em). Resolution wasn’t very good, but you could see things well enough to recognize yourself if a crowd shot was put on the board.
The first balls & strikes console was a twitchy piece of dreck that didn’t have all the bugs worked out. Often you’d push the button for a ball or strike and it would delay the display long enough that you’d think it hadn’t registered the input, so you’d push again – only to see double strikes or balls suddenly go up. Push the button too hard to ensure it was registered and the same thing could happen. This was very frustrating to the operators and to the people in the press box, who were always looking for something to criticize.
Sid Hartman, the grand old man of Minnesota sportswriting, was especially incensed by this type of malfunction. The press box was immediately outside the door of our room and any time a “double-clutch” occurred he’d jump up and storm in to announce that the count was wrong, as if we didn’t know it. I was working the out-of-town board one evening when Sid made about six trips into our “office”. When another glitch occurred he was on his way in again. I happened to be standing by the door, however, so I innocently turned my back to it as if to look over the shoulder of the guy working the message board, while casually flipping the door lock into place. There was much door rattling and cursing; muffled as it was by our air-conditioned booth, but I think I did hear mentions of my parentage and my own capability to ever father children, but he finally went away and didn’t come back the rest of the game.
That was actually kind of a fun memory. One of my worst moments, however, came before a game against the Blue Jays. Tony Kubek had recently been demoted from the “Game of the Week” and was working the back-up GOTW. He was also the main broadcaster for the Jays, which I didn’t know at the time. Anyway, I’m walking through the press box and here comes Tony Kubek! I say, with some amazement, “Hey, Tony Kubek!” He smiles. I then blurt, “Are we the back-up game today?” I wasn’t trying to bust his chops; I was just surprised that the Twins of that era might be considered for a national broadcast (even if as a back-up). Mr. Kubek was not pleased. Dick Davis, however, witnessed the scene and thought it was one of the funniest things he’d ever seen and would never let me forget it, especially any time Kubek returned to the Dome.
There were other hero-sightings as well. In the early days we actually had to go down to the locker rooms to get the lineups, which were posted on a corkboard in the home and visitor clubhouses. I remember that Reggie Jackson, in boxers, tank-top and beat-up flip-flops, looked really old and that his calves seemed impossibly skinny. Ted Simmons wearing nothing but a jock is not a sight I’d wish on anyone. Another time I was writing down the visiting lineup, my piece of paper pressed against the wall under the corkboard. I finished and turned around to leave – and almost hit Sparky Anderson in the nose with my elbow. He’d walked up behind me and was eating a bowl of vegetable soup and watching me write down the lineup, or was perhaps just pondering making a change, and I’d never heard him approach. At least he laughed about it.
Another time I got the hairy eyeball from Don Drysdale when the White Sox were in town. He was standing in the back of the press box eating a hot dog when I came out of the scoreboard room about 20 feet from him. All of a sudden a fan in the row in front of the press box reached over the divider and grabbed my shoulder, shoved a baseball at me and said, “Hey, buddy – get Drysdale’s autograph for me.” It happened so quickly that I just obeyed, somewhat stupefied. I approached DD with the ball (he was close enough to hear what was going on) and he glared at me but took the ball and signed it (later I’d hear from others what a tough autograph he was). I barely got a “thanks” from the guy who gave me the ball. I should have kept it.
In addition to working World Series and ALCS games and an All Star game I also had the privilege of working Scott Erickson’s no-hitter and I got paid to see Dave Winfield’s and Eddie Murray’s 3,000th hits. I was also there the night Dave Kingman hit a monstrous foul ball straight up that never came down. The ball went into one of the holes stitched into the underlining of the Dome roof and disappeared. The funniest thing was all the Twins infielders (including shortstop Houston Jiminez – all 5′ 3″ inches of him) gathered in the middle of the infield, looking up at the roof in the hopes of fielding the pop-up. As the seconds went by, though, they started to get really nervous. All of a sudden they all simultaneously ducked and scattered in different directions expecting to be struck by the phantom ball that was never there. The next day someone in the Twins front office got the bright idea that before the first pitch of the game they’d have someone drop a ball from the ceiling and Mickey Hatcher would catch it and the umpire would call “Out”. Someone got up on the catwalk, Mickey and the ump positioned themselves near home plate, and the ball was dropped – by the guy above and by the guy with the glove.
One of my all-time favorite memories, however, came when I was working the camera back in the fuzz-dot days and doing crowd shots between innings. As I panned over a boy that was about 10 years old he saw he was on the board and then thought it would be funny to flip me off. Dick was in my headset saying, “Get off him! Get off him!” but I said, “No, just stick with me here” and I zoomed in on the kid, who immediately got very shy and embarrassed. He walked over a few seats and sat down low, trying to get out of sight. He looked up at the board and saw he was still up there. He slunk down even further and moved over several more seats, and I again followed him. By this time the crowd was laughing so the kid got up and ran up the stairs to the concourse. About that time the inning was beginning and Dick said, “OK, back to the game” but I suggested he take the camera shot off the board but to stay with me. He agreed and sure enough, a few minutes later the kid stuck his head back in from the concourse and looked to see if the coast was clear. Seeing the line score on the board he stepped back into the aisle. “Now!” I said and Dick immediately put the camera shot back on the board — the crowd roared, the players on the field (I was told) started turning around trying to figure out what was going on, and the kid high-tailed it back out to the concourse and has probably never gone to a ballgame since.
The camera also helped me get published in Sports Illustrated! Back in the day when Bob Uecker was doing his “I must be in the front rooow” commercials for Miller Lite, the Brewers came to the Dome for a series. Ueck’s commercials, if you recall, ended with him way out by himself in center field, hollering to the nearest guy, “Great seats, eh, buddy?” As the game went on I saw some guy sitting in the upper deck, center field, all by himself. I zoomed in on him (showing plenty of empty seats) and asked Dick through the headset, “Is that Bob Uecker?” He thought that was pretty funny so he told the guy working the message board to create a 1/3 board message with the words “Is that Bob Uecker?” to go alongside my camera shot. A couple of weeks later SI came out with a story about Ueck and the article started off by referring to my caption and camera shot from the Dome.
Well, those are some of the baseball memories. There’s more I could write about some of the amazing things I did and saw at football games, tractor-pulls and the Pink Floyd and Rolling Stones concerts, but I’ll save those for another time.
Carp, it’s that time of year again. Football is almost over and I need to find something else to do with my Sunday afternoons. Unfortunately, the local basketball squads (college and pro) are unwatchable and the hockey team is always playing late on the West Coast – and none of these are usually on on Sundays anyway.
Maybe I don’t have to watch anything; I can get outside and do stuff. Winter in Minnesota — there’s got to be something I can do.
Ice-fishing?
The Academy Award nominations were released this morning. Coincidentally, the President’s State of the Union Address is tonight. Both will garner a lot of attention today and in the days ahead. While I haven’t seen the list of Oscar nominees yet, and obviously I don’t know how the speech will go tonight, but I think both events are pretty predictable.
For the record, let me just say that I think it is important for us as a society to honor and recognize those who work so hard to play their parts, even if they are directed by others and their words written by someone else and they make tons of money with very little heavy lifting. Here, then, are my predictions for the nominees for tonight’s performances:
Best Picture: This award recognizes the person who’s picture, taken during the speech, gets the most play in tomorrow’s newspapers and blogs. The favorites in this category have to be President Bush, Vice President Cheney and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (did you know she was a woman?), simply because they get the most screen time. The edge here probably goes to Pelosi, who has better hair, though other “best picture” contenders could be of Hillary scowling or Ted Kennedy passing out face first onto his desk, but since these are familiar images they might not be as “newsworthy”. I think the winner might be a surprise candidate, such as Sen. Dennis Kucinich reading a MAD magazine, or Representative Keith Ellison reading the Koran.
Best Actor/Actress: Isn’t it archaic in this day and age to have separate actor categories for men and women? If you ask me this smacks of quotas and set asides. Why not simply recognize the best performance, based on who’s the most convincing? Expected nominees include President Bush, who will try to convince us he has a plan; Speaker Pelosi, who will try to smile and applaud as the President enters; Minority Leader John Boehner, who will try to act as if he’s relevant; and Representative Jack Murtha, who will act as if he’s actually heard what was just said. A lot of people favor Barack Obama for this award for his overall performance in appearing to have substance, but I think that tonight he’ll be playing it safe and just trying not to screw it up.
Best Supporting Actor/Actress: This award goes to person who does the best job of making the President look good, even if only by comparison. This is always a heated competition, especially in the lightweight division, where Kucinich and Senator Barbara Boxer have been the front-runners. Senator Joe Biden can also be a factor — if he isn’t too busy copying working on his screenplay. I’ve heard, however, that the Republicans are working with Fox News on some excuse to get Howard Dean into the Chamber for the evening. My money, however, is on Senator John Kerry who continues to do good work but will also garner some “lifetime achievement” support for his efforts in 2004.
Best Non-Supporting Actor/Actress: This is an unusual category but one that’s hard to ignore and that has a strong field of candidates. Nominees worth watching include the perennial John McCain, but you take your eyes off of Senators John Warner, Olympia Snowe and Chuck Hagl at your own risk. I think this will go, however, to surprise dark-horse nominee, Senator Norm Coleman.
Best Original Song, Best Original Screenplay: No nominees. Haven’t we heard it all before?
That’s all I have time for because I need to go out and buy snacks and beverages for tonight’s show now so that I don’t have to worry about being late getting to my recliner in front of the TV. I’ll leave it to others to submit your nominations for categories such as “Best Director”, “Best Animation” or “Special Effects.”
Des Moines, Iowa – “It was the worst experience of my life,” said Cyrus Greenleaf, head of Vegetables Entitled to Respect and Green Equality (VERGE) after he and several other heads of lettuce, as well as several pounds of spinach and green onions, were abruptly tossed from a local grocery store after shoppers and USDA officials became concerned that the group was potentially carrying E.coli bacteria.
Consumers have been on high alert lately following recent news stories and studies linking green vegetables such as lettuce and spinach to E.coli outbreaks. Speaking on behalf of his group, Greenleaf claimed that he and his friends were victims of “veggie-profiling” and that they were being singled out for “traveling while green.”
“This is obvious vegetarianism,” he said. “The public and the administration gets its undies in a bunch and suddenly it’s ‘E.coli this’ and ‘E.coli that.’ It’s simply easier to blame somebody than to address the root causes. I blame the American culture; people in this country learn to hate green vegetables when they’re young and then when they get older you shouldn’t be surprised when their prejudice crops up. Green vegetables are peaceful and nutritious; these latest charges are harassment, plain and simple.” Greenleaf indicated that the group may seek redress in the courts.
While definite links between vegetables and illnesses such as E.coli, salmonella and hepatitus have been discovered, there is still some uncertainty about the organic nature of the threat, even among government officials. For example, when asked recently whether lettuce or spinach posed a greater threat, incoming chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, Silvestre Reyes, said, “I don’t know, I have a hard time telling one from the other.”
Meanwhile, both the FDA and the USDA encourage consumers to be alert, saying they are the best line of defense against E.coli attacks and other terra-ism. “Not all vegetables have E.coli, but all the latest E.coli carriers have been vegetables,” said Brad LeBeouf, a spokesman for the USDA.
Britney forgets panties, may lose shirt.
Gee, now I’ve got this line running over and over in my head. No, it’s not a song lyric.
“As a ring of gold in a swine’s snout,
So is a lovely woman who lacks discretion.”
Prov. 11:22 (NKJV)
No post yesterday, and light posting today as I’m preparing a teaching for church tonight. Thanks to an article in the Wall Street Journal (subscription required), however, I am happy to direct you to a new video site chock-full of helpful videos of how to do those supposedly basic things that you may not have picked up on life’s journey. You know, things like folding a tee-shirt, boiling an egg, taking a shower. There are also more arcane topics as well, such as how to care for Emperor Scorpions, or how to eat sushi and, just in time for Halloween, how to carve distinctive jack-o-lanterns and how to make marshmallow and popcorn “brain balls”.
The site is called VideoJug, and at the time I visited the “10 Most Watched Videos” in the past hour were as follows:
Personally, I didn’t even know you were supposed to fold tee-shirts. Even at just two seconds a pop, I estimate I’ve probably “freed up” nine and a half months out of my life so far. Time, no doubt, that I probably should have been utilizing by watching the other videos.
Anyway, other similar and helpful sites mentioned in the article include eHow, ViewDo, WikiHow.
If you want to know how to create a quick blog post when you’re otherwise very busy, go back to the beginning of this article.
I was going to do a follow up on the conscience post from earlier in the week, but that’s going to be a rather serious and reflective effort. It just doesn’t have the right feel for a Friday post.
Friday’s are more for things like this:
This is one of the images from www.Despair.com, a site that looks at all those beautiful, inspirational posters with motivating sentiments liberally scattered throughout corporate America — and gives them a big raspberry. This is one of the funniest web-sites I’ve ever visited, especially if you work in an office. It’s like reading Dilbert but with production values. Check them out; you can even create your own customized 12 or 16-month demotivation calendar. (To view the dozens of images available go to the “Demotivators (by name)” tab.)
Some of you may be aware of a raging controversy over at the Hammerswing 75 blog regarding what to call those knitted things the Mall Diva wears over her wrists and palms (but not her fingers). MD calls them wrist sweaters, which some find outrageous, and others, insidious. (Read the comments at the link for details, and vote here to register your choice).
Some, however, think they are a great fashion accessory, as well as being practical, no matter what they are called. The ever-entrepreneurial Kingdavid , however, wanted to know how I, as a marketing guru, would package this great new product. Since he’s thrown down the gauntlet, so to speak, I’ll share a few details here.
What you need to do today in these times of diffused media is build product awareness through so-called “viral” methods. You can’t use one-way broadcast bombardments any more in the hopes of beating down people’s defenses or ambivalence. You need to use the so-called viral network marketing. For example, find a young, charismatic trend-setter that people naturally want to emulate, and position that person in a niche market that is still well connected. Then, with a few strategic moves you generate a mini-controversy to generate additional buzz; with any luck you’ll get a poll going, leading to more strong feelings.
I love it when a plan comes together.
by Minfidel
The Minfidel is now back from hiatus, if that’s what you call being locked in a trunk for over a year. Anyway, I’ve been trying to get caught up on current events, and it’s nice to see that nothing’s really changed. The big news this week is that a bunch of murdering jihadists have been murdering – or threatening to murder – people because someone called them, well, a bunch of murdering jihadists. This all sounded strangely familiar; I know I’ve seen this somewhere before. I’ve got it! It was a scene from one of my all-time favorite movies, “Animal Mosque.”
Pope Wormer: Greg, what is the worst religious sect in this world?
Cardinal Greg Marmalard: Well that would be hard to say, sir. They’re each outstanding in their own way.
Pope Wormer: Cut the horse***, son. I’ve got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode.
Cardinal Marmalard: You’re talking about radical islamofascists, sir.
Pope Wormer: Of course I’m talking about radical islamofascists, you TWERP!
Later…inside Animal Mosque:
Al D-Day: War’s over, man. Wormer’s dropped the big one.
bin-Bluto: Over? Did you say “over”? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
Saddam Otter: Germans?
bin-Boon: Forget it, he’s rolling.
bin-Bluto: And it ain’t over now. ‘Cause when the goin’ gets tough… [thinks hard] … the tough get goin’! Who’s with me? Let’s go! [runs out, alone; then returns]
bin-Bluto: What happened to the jihadis I used to know? Where’s the spirit? Where’s the guts, huh? “Ooh, we’re afraid to go with you bin-Bluto, we might get in trouble.” Well just kiss my *** from now on! Not me! I’m not gonna take this. Wormer, he’s a dead man! Marmalard, dead! Niedermeyer…
Saddam Otter: Dead! bin-Bluto’s right. Psychotic, but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now we could do it with conventional weapons but that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody’s part.
bin-Bluto: We’re just the guys to do it.
Al D-Day: Let’s do it.
bin-Bluto: LET’S DO IT!