No, no … you stick it in your ear

Talk about putting a call on hold:

(AP) Cell phones found inside four prisoners

The prisoners are gang-members in El Salvador. According to the article,

Capt. Juan Ramon Arevalo, director of the prison known as Zacatras, said the gang members had introduced the cell phones, wrapped in plastic bags, into their bodies through their…

Well, there are only so many ways to get contraband into prison, so you figure it out. Let’s just say the “vibrate” ring-tone setting may have been problematic. Man, talk about your “anywhere” minutes!

I guess that really makes them “cell” phones, though. Can’t you just picture a prisoner’s friend getting a call at 2:00 a.m. and saying, “What ******* is calling me at this hour?”

On ordaining women

This is a post I have written in response to one written by Dave Christison which you can read here, with a follow up here. Dave did a great job in pointing out many questions that arise when considering this issue of whether women can and should be elders in a church or ordained as pastors. He even phoned me after I left a comment on his post and we had a wonderful conversation, and I was greatly encouraged to respond to his post by writing this.

I am very sensitive of the fact that this can be a heated issue, and as a long-time elder and recently ordained pastor in my church I obviously have strong feelings of my own. More important than feelings, however, is what the Word of God says, and I believe scripture is fully consistent with this calling. In fact, the church I attend is very conservative in reading, interpreting and applying God’s word in our lives. Our practice of ordaining men and women who are called is based on this word and not on worldly notions of what is “fair” or politically correct. Yet if scripture is our guide, aren’t there verses (especially in 2 Timothy and I Corinthians 11 and 14) that clearly take a contrary position?

The short answer is no. Even better, the longer answer doesn’t require a lot of linguistic gymnastics or stretched rationalizations. In order to make this more interesting and enlightening I will rely heavily on a small tome that was given to me by sister at my ordination last December. The author puts it clearly and succinctly, in a way I could hardly hope to. The book is entitled Ordaining Women, by Rev. B.T. Roberts, A.M., written in 1891 (yes, that was 1891), well before what might be recognized as secular feminism. The book does an excellent job of presenting the biblical case for women in leadership.

I see Badmoud rising

We had our annual fantasy football draft last night and despite having a bad draft position I think my team, Badmoud Ahmadinutjob, came out of it in pretty good shape. I chose that team name, by the way, for a couple of reasons: 1) most of the teams in my league don’t even bother to come up with a team name and just go by the name of the team owner (boring) so maybe I’ll just go by a first and last name as well, and 2) team names typically imply fierceness and intimidation and I thought this was a great way to keep my opponents off-balance and ineffective while I went about achieving my own objectives. Right now I’d have to say my strategy worked (and Mike Wallace assures us that the real Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is really a wonderful guy and probably won’t be offended).

Of course my strategy wasn’t as simple as selecting a team name. I also kept buying beers for the hot-head owner in our league who was sitting next to me, while I whispered to him some of the things a couple of the other owners across the table from him were saying about his draft. Believe me, the ensuing tensions distracted at least three teams while I scored scud, I mean, stud after stud for my team (which I formerly named “Weapons of Mass Distraction”). Whenever someone thought he knew what I was up to and called me on it I just said, “Who, me?” as innocently as I could muster. Then I’d turn around and proclaim death for the (Detroit) Lionists at the table (which didn’t stop me from drafting Roy Williams, however).

Oh sure, there was the usual ineffectual talk about “league sanctions” but I knew no one was going to do anything as long as I had control of the plate of chicken wings. Whenever things got too dicey I’d suggest that I might be willing to discuss passing a few wings around the table. Even at that things did finally begin to get a little rowdy and the bar owner threatened to call the police to act as a peace-keepers, but I know half those guys on the force and they’re not going to hassle me.

All in all it was a great night and an important step as we make our way toward the main event — the play-offs. I can’t wait!

Btw, here’s my lineup for you fantasy football fans out there (I know the non-fans quit reading this post a couple of paragraphs ago). In a 10-team league I picked, in order of selection:

Peyton Manning, IND
Willie Parker, PIT
Anquan Boldin, AZ
Roy Williams, DET
Thomas Jones, CHI
Tatum Bell, DEN
Javon Walker, DEN
Laurence Maroney, NE
Brandon Jacobs, NYG
Greg Jennings, NYG
Cedric Benson, CHI
Reggie Brown, PHI
Josh Brown, SEA

I know, by picking Tatum Bell and Laurence Maroney I’ve subjected myself to a season’s worth of mind-games from their coaches, Mike Shanahan and Bill Belichek, but what can I say? Bill and Mike are the masters of misdirection, and the official heroes of Badmoud Ahmadinutjob! Game on!

Children of the Night: The Fairest of them all

MD: Hi guys! Y’all are in for a special treat today, even though its not on a stick. Co-blogging! Yes, that’s right, the Mall Diva and Tiger Lilly are getting together to share with you the delights of our fair state’s fair.

TL: Hello, everyone.

MD: There will be food blogging, as I took pictures of almost everything that we ate, and sometimes of what other people were eating.

TL: The most pictures she took were of people eating roasted corn.

MD: I did not!

TL: Did too!

MD: *Rolls eyes* Anyway —-

TL: We also went on rides. We went on the Zipper, which is this ride that goes upside down and around and around. I kept my eyes closed almost the whole time, and when I made the mistake of opening them, we were rushing toward the ground — face first! I screamed my head off and vowed that I would never go on that ride again. I think my sister is deaf now.

MD: Huh?

TL: I’m going on it again next year.

MD: We (including the Rev. Mum) went on the Scrambler. All three of us. In one cart. I am never doing that again. I sustained a severely bruised arm and a couple of cracked ribs.

MD: In one of the barns we got our handwriting analyzed. We wrote our names on these little cards that they popped in the machine. The machine popped them back out again and told us what we were like. Our results were eerily accurate. Did you know that friendliness is my greatest asset?

TL: Yeah, right. Mine says that I’m romantic.

MD: Yeah, right. Well, I am naturally quick, keen and optimistic, and my opinions are respected, so there!

TL: Oh, yeah? Well I am very observant and take in all that’s happening around me.

MD: Look! A chicken!

TL: Where?? Hey, that’s not nice! Remember, I am also sensitive and easily hurt by criticism; but I never give up and don’t like things to get the better of me.

MD: I am always ready for self-sacrifice.

TL: I am bored by routine and enjoy the unexpected.

MD: So you’re routinely bored?

TL: ???

MD: Here’s a good one:

TL: Nice. Like you’ve never eaten a fried candy bar!

We went to the animal barns. There was something missing. THERE WERE NO BUNNIES!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

MD: Oh, get over it. You made friends with the loud sheep, remember?

TL: Oh, yeah.

MD: We found our favoritest thing to eat in the whole wide world. It was even more expensive here than in Italy! “Gelato, Poppi!”

TL: This little kid is in training to be the Hulk.

MD: That was so cute.

TL: Hey, sheep in leotards — they must be ballerinas.

MD: They never danced for us, though.

MD: Guess what? We also saw triple_a wandering around. I don’t think he recognized us, though. I think he was keeping track of all the political candidates, like this one:


(Vote for me!)

MD: Well that’s all the time we have for today! I hope you enjoyed your virtual trip to the Fair!

TL: Ciao for now!

Back in the desk chair again

That was refreshing! Taking a month off from blogging (or at least from daily blogging) was a great break and I’m feeling all bubbly and tingly — or maybe that’s just because I used my wife’s shampoo this morning.

Anyway, I’m looking forward to getting back in my rhythm and I’ve got a few story ideas and links that I’ve stashed while I was away that I’ll probably be getting into in the next few days. Of course, I noted that I wasn’t the only blogger taking time off and I laughed outloud last week when I got my copy of the Wall Street Journal and saw an article about bloggers on vacation (subscription required to read the link, sorry). The story talked about how the big name bloggers such as Michelle Malkin and Andrew Sullivan handled their vacations and the overall drop in readership despite lining up distinguished guest bloggers to keep the blog lamps lit. It appears that many readers have a distinct affinity for the person who’s name is on the blog and they may tend to visit less often when that person isn’t writing.

This interesting information leaves me feeling a bit odd, considering my experience. Of course, I have little in common with Malkin, Reynolds, Sullivan, Hewitt, Jarvis, et al, when it comes to the blogosphere. We all blog, but I’m a grunion to their whales even though we swim in the same sea. For example, their readership dropped by tens of thousands of visitors per day while they were gone; I can just barely say I’ve had tens of thousands of visitors stop by here in total in the 18 months since I put out my electronic “welcome” sign. Perhaps some of the uber-bloggers’ wayward readers were coming over here in August because my average daily visitors actually went — er, uh — up while I was on vacation. When I kicked back, I was averaging close to 80 visitors a day. That was great, and a heady change from the days when breaking into the 30s was cause for a celebration. Now, a month after leaving this blog largely in the hands of my daughters the Mall Diva and Tiger Lilly, the daily average is nearly 100 visitors (and now the Reverend Mother is about to make her much anticipated debut as well)!

Ooooo-kay. This is good news, right? But how long before they start lobbying for a change in the name of this blog? This makes for an interesting problem for me, and hopefully, more interesting reading for you.

Oh well, the family that blogs together … uh, fights over the computer.

Challenging Word of the WeeK: traduce

Traduce
(truh DOOHS, -DYOOHS) verb

To traduce someone is to slander him, vilify him, malign, defame, and calumniate him, speak falsely and with malice toward him or his character; from Latin traducere (to disgrace), a variant of transducere (literally, to carry over; figuratively, to expose, “show up”). In Shakespeare’s Othello (Act V, Scene 2), Othello cries to Lodovico who has come to arrest him:

…In Aleppo once,
Where a malignant and turban’d Turk
Beat a Venetian and traduc’d the State,
I took by the throat the circumcised dog
And smote him thus.

Whereupon, he obeys Shakespeare’s stage directions: Stabs himself. Things are tough all around and it’s a bloody mess; but getting back to words and definitions, avoid the common error of identifying slander or defame with libel. Without going into legal minutiae and ramifications, libel is slander in written form and “published”, i.e., communicated in that form to a third party or parties. Best advice: Keep your mouth shut and your pen in your pocket.

My example: In an election year, the end of summer means the weather is cooling just as the political traducing season is really heating up. That’s some good advice above, though.

From the book, “1000 Most Challenging Words” by Norman W. Schur, ©1987 by the Ballantine Reference Library, Random House. I post a weekly “Challenging Words” definition to call more attention to this delightful book and to promote interesting word usage in the blogosphere. I challenge other bloggers to work the current word into a post sometime in the coming week. If you manage to do so, please leave a comment or a link to where I can find it. Previous words in this series can be found under the appropriate Category heading in the right-hand sidebar.

Perhaps they’ll stay at a Holiday Inn Express

Laura Lee at the Wide Awake Cafe has some thoughts about how former president Jimmy Carter might entertain former Iranian President Khatami when they get together to commiserate over their failed administrations (I commented with some ideas of my own). I don’t know what Carter gets out of this except for another chance to sanctimoniously crap on the administration while trying to push kitty litter over his own performance.

The appeal for Khamani is obvious, however. If you’d like to ruin the U.S. economy, decimate America’s defense capability and globally humiliate a country then it makes sense to talk to someone who’s already done it.

Who’s next — Ron Dayne?

I’m not officially back from my August vacation from blogging until next Tuesday, but I had to post a quick take on the Vikings and their new West Coast Offense — or is that the Wisconsin Cast-off Offense?

I can understand a football coach wanting to bring in guys who already know his offense and/or are people he knows pretty well. Some of the moves by the Brad Childress/Darrell Bevell brain trust make me wonder whatever happened to the idea that familiarity breeds contempt? I mean, trading an undrafted free agent for the underwhelming Billy McMullen didn’t concern me too much; after all, someone’s got to be your fifth receiver. I tried to stay calm with the Mike McMahon signing, hoping that Childress had to know something more about the guy than what anyone watching him play on television the last three years could see.

After McMahon’s pre-season floppage I started to get nervous when Koy Detmer and Todd Pinkston were released by the Eagles this week. I mean, as bad as McMahon has been, why pick up the guy who was behind him on the Eagles quarterback depth chart last year? Detmer’s such a useless bottom-feeder I think he should change the spelling of his first name to “Koi”. As for Pinkston — or “Stinkston” as he known in my fantasy football league — the guy is around 6′ 5″ which is good, but he weights as much as the Mall Diva and he gets off the line with the same ease as a ’74 Pacer.

At least the trade for Brooks Bollinger, who Childress and Bevell know from their Wisconsin days, eliminates any concern that Detmer is on the way (and Bollinger actually showed brief flashes of competence last year playing for a horrible team). With Ron Dayne expected to be released this weekend by the Broncos, however, the threat level is still at Badger-Red. With Dayne’s size you might think he’d be a good goal-line back, but his career has demonstrated that the only line he has a nose for is the one at the post-game buffet. It’s going to be a long weekend.

Update:

Aaarrgh!

Invincible, My Team was Not

Hey, guys. What’s shakin’? Let’s see…what can I talk to you about?

Well, last Friday the Princess’s family took me with them to see “Invincible”, which was actually pretty good, considering it was about football. The thing I remember most about that movie, though, were the trailers beforehand. There was one for a movie called “Happy Feet” which I really want to see. It has a star-studded cast, lead by Elijah Wood! Yay! That one had all of us yukking it up. We also saw the trailer for that movie with Ben Stiller about the museum that comes to life at night, which I can never remember the name of. I do want to see it though. I also really want to see “Snakes on a Plane”, but I don’t know if I’ll get there.

Then on Friday night it was Hugh Hewitt’s trivia, which y’all already know about. I was there, just trying to do my job as team manager, and what does Terry Keegan do? He kicks me off our table! Hey, man, that’s not cool!

So I had to go sit in the corner, where I met another lady who had been kicked off her table, too. She told me her husband has a blog called Late Night Rants and he also writes for Anti-Strib. We had fun, even though we were exiled; and I found out that she is from Switzerland. Cool beans, huh?

I also got a couple of photos of my team, but it was hard because of a low battery and people getting in the way. We lost with 17 points, and I’ve been debating on whether I should drop these guys or give them another chance.

What do you think?

Pirates of the Coffee Table – Arrr!

I’ve got a new game to play!

It’s about pirates. My mom (that would be the Reverend Mother to you) calls it The Boat Game. But that’s not it’s name. I’m not exactly sure what it’s really called, but everyone at church calls it Pirates. It’s something called “a constructible strategy game”, which I guess means that you buy packs of game cards and begin your adventure. The packs aren’t very expensive and it’s a really fun game. It requires a lot of strategy, which some people don’t have (wink wink nudge nudge).

Pirates is really fun because you get to act like a pirate. You get to sail around to islands and get treasure from them. In fact, coming up there will be a new series of Pirates that has something called Unknown Island (I think) where there will be things on the island that you have to fight! Oooooooohhhhhh, spooky! You can also sail around and blow people up! NNEEEEEEEEEERRRR–BOOOOOOOOOOOOOMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whee, hahaha! In other words, that means I have the time of my life while fighting a newbie! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! (Can you tell I’m addicted to sound effects and laughing evilly?)

What you do is:

1. Learn how to talk pirate.

2. Go out and buy a pack of Pirate cards (available at Target for $4.25, or you can give me $3.75 and I’ll get you a pack from the bookstore at church, ‘cuz they’re cheaper there, and I’m nice…sometimes, mwahahaha.)

3. Look at the cards that you got in your pack (it varies on what ships you get, depending on what type you get from the store. There’s Davy Jones’ Curse (the best one by me,) Pirates Crimson Coast (that one’s o.k., sometimes if you’re lucky you get a fort in a pack), South China Seas (that one’s pretty good, you get a Chinese Junk ship in them sometimes, and junk ships are not junk!), and American Revolution.) There’s a game in every pack!

4. You get 40 points to start out with. You use those points to buy ships. (You can only use those points when you start the game, you can’t use them when you’re playing!)

5. On the main card for a ship there is a row of symbols. The first one is how many masts your ship has. The second one is its cargo space (how much gold and crew your ship can carry.) The third one is its movement (For example, if your ship’s movement is “S+L,” then your ship can move one short (the the length of the short side of the card) and one long (the long side of the card). And the 4th symbol is how many cannons it has (if your ship has a white cannon and a red one, that means that you have one short range cannon and one long range cannon. Short range is white and long range is red. There is a number on the cannon. If it is a two, that means you have to roll a three in order to shoot someone. Also, you need to be in range to shoot someone, which means if you have a short range cannon, they need to be within a short side length of the card of you).

6. Read the rules to find out the rest, or go here for how-to-play animations. Also, no game boards are required. All you need is a coffee table or any good-sized flat surface and even with only one pack of game cards you’ve got a game!


Whoa! A mysterious fleet sails out of the darkness!


Here’s one of my five-masted ships, the U.S.S. Thomas Jefferson. Five-masters are good because they’re hardest to sink,
but this one only has short-range cannons. Bummer.

So, interested yet?

Arr, matey.

Ciao for now,
Tiger Lilly

P.S. American ships are not very good, so don’t get the American Revolution packs.