Geez, Barry — can’t you take a joke?

I was driving home from the grocery store tonight when I sustained a frontal assault. Driving past the ballfields in West St. Paul I suddenly heard and felt a loud thump just as my vision immediately got very blurry.

There happened to be a guy sitting in the back seat along with the Mall Diva, and I thought at first that maybe Kevin had launched a preemptive strike on the poor boy. Once I pulled over and determined that everyone in the car was alright and that the reason I couldn’t see out the windshield was because of a series of concentric circles and cracks right in front of my face, I looked over and noticed several large guys standing in a nearby ballfield, studiously looking in the other direction.

I pulled into the parking lot and drove a ways over to the backstop where a large and rather sheepish looking guy was rubbing his head. “Heckuva poke,” I said, with some admiration.

“Thanks.”

“Got any insurance?”

“Uh, yeah.”

Fortunately he had all of his details with him and I got everything I needed.

I think I’m still going to have him tested for steroids, though.

Cap’n Not-Very-Crunch

The Mall Diva and I went grocery shopping together Monday evening for our sustenance. Usually the Reverend Mother does this after first drawing up a very meticulous list; she doesn’t deviate from the list and prides herslef on getting in and out of Cub in less than an hour. The Mall Diva also created a list, which we followed, but I’m more of an impulse buyer. This explains the chocolate-flavored Cap’n Crunch cereal we (I) bought.

I’ll try just about anything once if it’s chocolate-flavored, so I poured my first portion of this breakfast confection this morning. It wasn’t bad, but as usual I can’t eat Cap’n Crunch without remembering a certain incident that happened 20 years ago. As it turns out, this incident wasn’t “about” 20 years ago — it was 20 years ago today.

I was working for an advertising and promotion agency in St. Louis Park and on that Thursday evening we managed to finish our Ad League co-ed softball game under ominous skies ahead of The Storm. I even got home before the highway flooded so I wasn’t greatly inconvenienced and none of my property was damaged. Things were a bit different at work, however.

The good news: we’d just recently landed a large account to promote Quaker Oats cereal in the institutional market. The bad news: the “product” didn’t come in cute boxes like in the grocery store, but in large plastic bags almost as big as me. Many bags of “product” had been delivered for a catalog photo-shoot and were waiting patiently in our cool, dry storeroom. A cool, dry storeroom that happened to be at the lowest corner of our building and was no longer very cool and definitely not very dry.

Picture, if you will, the image of several hundred pounds of Cap’n Crunch and other cereals swelling and bursting out of its containers and washing across the floor like a great, rising, golden wave of something that looked rather like hominy. Do you have a picture in your head? Great. Now, imagine the smell.

Fortunately I already had scheduled the day off from work, so I’m not sure how long it took others to shovel out the effluent blob of not-so-goodness. I do know that the scent lingered well into winter.

I’m all aloooone…

The Reverend Mother and Tiger Lilly are gone (see previous post) and the Mall Diva went to Duluth Friday afternoon with some friends for a weekend women’s retreat, leaving me to kick around the big house by myself.

What to do…what to do…what to do…

I might take myself out for dinner and movie tonight if I can decide what I want to eat and see. Tiger Lilly also emailed to remind me to pick up the new Harry Potter book for her since she’s not going to be able to get one herself for awhile (unless she wants the Transylvanian translation, that is).

I went out earlier this afternoon and picked up the book from the big stack at Walmart, along with a few bachelor snacks (mmmm, pork rinds!). I suppose I could spend the evening reading the book.

Or, I could just read the last few pages ….

*flip, flip, flip*

Hmmm. Mmm-hmmm. Huh. Well, that’s certainly interesting! I never expected Harry and Voldemort to suddenly apparate in the midst of the Soprano family in a New Jersey diner in order to fight their last duel!

The Road to Romania

Tiger Lilly and the Reverend Mother left for Romania yesterday morning though it will be a few more days before they actually leave the country since they have to undergo some training and orientation at the Global Expedition headquarters in Garden City, Texas, including meeting the other members of the group.

The Mall Diva and I got up at 3:30 Friday morning to take them to the airport for their 5:30 a.m. flight. RM and TL were up well before that (if, indeed, they slept at all the night before leaving). Just about everything was packed and loaded into the car the night before, including two fully-stuffed suitcases so heavy I seriously wondered how they were going to manage these without me. A lot of the weight and space is taken up by bedding that they have to bring along and which will ultimately be left behind at some point. I’m not sure why a 5:30 a.m. flight was necessary and apparently neither was Continental Airlines because they ended up canceling the flight after we dropped the missionaries off. They were ultimately delayed only a couple of hours before getting on their way, but it would have been nice to have spent those hours in bed.

Driving home from the airport the Mall Diva said, “Let’s go to breakfast!” That sounded like a good idea for, oh, three or four seconds, but my eyes felt so gritty I said I just wanted to go back to bed. To my surprise I was actually able to go back to sleep and when I got up we did go out. I’m always amazed at how much Eggs Benedict and hash browns the Diva can put into her tiny frame. There wasn’t any rest for the travelers, however, who still had a two-hour drive from the Dallas airport to get to their destination. At one point the Reverend Mother had to pull over on a quiet road to try and take a 20-minute nap.

No such luck. After about five minutes a truck stopped to see if they needed any help. The situation was explained and the truck drove off. Two minutes later another truck slowed for the same purpose and was waved off. Nice, friendly people those Texans. Fortunately the ladies arrived safely and Tiger Lilly emailed me the details. Their luggage was so full that in the end they decided not to take the laptop along, but they will be sending updates and/or posting from wherever they can find access in Texas and Oradea, Romania (which supposedly has numerous internet cafes).

Idyll of idleness

In the last five days I’ve accomplished the following:

  • Mowed the grass
  • Did laundry
  • Shaved twice

Oh, and I moved the piano out four feet from the wall and later moved it back again so my wife could paint the music room, an enterprise for which my main contribution, besides moving the piano, was to say, “It looks lovely, dear.” I’ve also read most of Steven Pressfield’s “The Afghan Campaign” and two comic books that Tiger Lilly checked out of the library. All in all I’m feeling pretty good about myself.

The last four months have been very busy at work and at home. Well, home has been about normal, but I’ve been arriving there so late most evenings and working so much over the weekends that it seemed as if there wasn’t much time to do anything. I love those mid-week holidays, though, especially when I can extend the time off through the weekend with a couple of vacation days. I promised myself that I’d simply veg on the 4th and then maybe just check office emails on Thursday and Friday; as it turned out, vegging out felt so good that I never got around to the emails until earlier today. I know, I’m a slug.

I also got in some golf one day and this afternoon the family went out for a movie and pizza. We saw “Transformers” which was a high-octane, super-frenetic film perfect for getting my heart-rate back up to work-speed. The previews before the movie, however, suggested to me that Hollywood is even lazier than I am. I’m not sure I even remember the names of the coming attractions, but they all struck me as formulaic rehashes of other movies.

Let’s see, there was a “Napoleon Dynamite” rip-off called “Hot Rod”, and what looked like another by-the-numbers movie starring The Rock and an impossibly cute and precocious little girl about a pro football player who discovers he’s a dad when the said little girl shows up unexpectedly at his door. Comedy presumably ensues but I didn’t even bother to remember the name of that film. Next was a Will Smith vehicle that looked like a cross between “War of the Worlds” and the old Charlton Heston flick, “The Omega Man”; I think they’re calling this one “I am Legend.” This preview was followed by one for another apocalyptic “thriller” that may have been the same movie except it didn’t show any scenes with Will Smith. As either an oversight or a bold marketing ploy, they never gave the name of the movie. Ooh! Ooh! I’m intrigued — not!

As for “Transformers,” it was pretty good overall even though there were logic gaps large enough to drive a Decepticon through. The best part of all, though, was that I didn’t have to think or work too hard in order to enjoy it, which fit perfectly with my holiday weekend strategy.

Now it’s back to work tomorrow and, perhaps, more regular blogging.

Who’s “hard on herrings”?

Aging black leather and hospital bills,
Tattoo removal and dozens of pills.
Your liver pays dearly now for youthful magic moments,
But rock on completely with some brand new components.

— “Rock and Roll Lifestyle,” by Cake

My generation is not going to grow old gracefully, but we will do it stylishly.

Nancy at Away With Words called my attention to a new, nearly-invisible, “personal communications assistant” from Phonak called Audéo; described as “a breakthrough for living life to the fullest, bringing back the speech understanding we can start to lose as early as in our twenties. Sleek, stylish and discreet, it’s the ultimate high-tech accessory.”

That’s their description, anyway; you might simply call it a hearing aid.

Audéo is backed by an eye-catching (and ear-supporting) print ad campaign featuring aging-but-still-edgy wearers who, you presume, would rather be run down from behind by a freight train than wear their father’s hearing aid — or even ask for one. While Audéos are nearly invisible, those parts that do show come in such cool color combos as Solar Flare and Raku Glaze, to name but a few. The Audéo concept and ad campaign are solid and creative way to market a sensitive product to an audience not quite ready to admit that they need it, similar to the way Haggar now promotes it’s slacks and in keeping with ED ads all featuring virile, hunky-looking guys with just a touch of gray.

Naturally, Audéos aren’t needed because you’re getting older; oh no, it’s simply the result of your full, active lifestyle. Personally, my full, active college lifestyle once included going to a number of rock concerts where my connections got me front and center tickets right in the cone of the speakers. A typical conversation in those days might go like this:

“Man, I saw The Tubes three days ago and they were great! My ears are still ringing!”

“Dude, that’s so cool!”

“What?”

In fact, my ears are still ringing. For the last couple of years the soundtrack of my full, active lifestyle has been a steady keening sound. Nevertheless, as I type this now I can clearly hear the dehumidifier running, the hum of the computer and the distant chirping of our parakeets. If someone were to say something to me, however, my first response would probably be, “What?”

Like most things having to do with getting older I’ve simply gotten accustomed to this gradually. To lift another song lyric, “A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest.” For the most part I can hear what (I think) I need to hear but there are times when I struggle to follow the conversation at Keegan’s with all the background noise and I know my daughters hear things in songs that I never catch.

So of course I entered my zipcode on the website to learn where I can find an Audéo specialist near me for trying out my own personal communications assistant. Meanwhile I look forward to more cool products coming my way, like an Xtreme Walker that converts to a street luge complete with an iPod port, or thong-style Depends. Forget the reading glasses, I want some “personal visual enhancers” and my favorite sport drink, now in prune juice flavor!

Hey — I heard that, Mall Diva!

I know you’re lonely for words I ain’t spoken…

Late Sunday evening I packed my bag and got in my car to head to the company event that has been consuming my waking (and a few non-waking) hours for the past several weeks.

It was a warm summer evening, in the gathering twilight that I like best when it is still light but the sky is beginning to gray and the lights of the cars and houses really seem to pop. I swung out onto the almost deserted highway and flipped over from radio to CD and was rewarded with a couple of songs from Springsteen’s Born to Run album.

The quality of light, the open road in front of me, a couple of anthems from my youth…it was as if a screen door slammed in my mind, a dress waved, and a vision danced across the porch as the radio played.

I put the pedal down and off I screamed into the night.

On his last (stubby) legs

No, this isn’t a post about Strommie the would-be polygamist who may or may not be being hunted by Kevin, but about another member of the family — our failing guinea pig, Piggy-Wiggy.

He’s not eating which, given his normal appetite, is either a sign of the apocalypse or of ill health. He’s not taken a morsel for two days, even when enticed with succulent dandelion stems, the crispiest greenbeans or even his favorite treat — a Tic-Tac (the sound of a shaken plastic dispenser half-full of mints usually brings him storming eagerly to the bars of his cage). I suppose if eating your own excrement was a regular part of your diet you might look forward to a Tic-Tac or two as well.

Don’t misunderstand — this has been a well-fed piggy-wiggy. He recently finished chewing his way through an entire bale of Timothy Hay, and the Reverend Mother has always prepared him a lovely breakfast salad of fresh greens and cucumber, meanwhile our yard has never wanted for dandelions, which I think he liked because the little fuzzy seeds tickled his nose.

He’s at least seven years old, which we’ve learned is a ripe old age for a guinea pig. We’ve had him for four years or so, and rescued him from a home with heavy smokers. The white parts of his fur were yellow when we got him and it took a couple of shampoos to restore his natural tones. He was especially lethargic this morning, which the Reverend Mother noticed and reported to the girls, along with the warning to prepare themselves. The Mall Diva and Tiger Lilly were distraught, and took turns sitting with him in their laps for over an hour this morning, working their way through a box of Kleenex in much the same way he used to work his way through a bag of baby carrots.

He’s always been a paranoid guinea pig, convinced that everything wanted to eat him, dashing into his plastic pigloo at the slightest disturbance and acting as if a warm bath was in reality some kind of sinister marinade. This may have been hard-wired into his genes. My sister-in-law, who is from Ecuador, was bemused to find we had a guinea pig for a pet. She said her grandmother, who raised guinea pigs, would have thought we were as strange as someone who kept, say, a rooster for a pet. That’s because her grandmother raised GPs for food, not companionship.

This morning, however, our pig seemed resigned and rested quietly with the girls, making an occasional grunt of contentment as they stroked his fur. They eventually had to put him back in his cage as they prepared for their expedition today, and I’ve been monitoring him since then; this is more of a hospice, not a hospital — I’ll be sure he’s as comfortable as can be, but there’ll be no heroic life-preserving interventions.

Then again, he might just pull out of it, declare that he’s feeling better and that he thinks he’ll go for a walk. If he should, however, expire today it will be an odd Memorial Day coincidence to go along with our last cat dying on Valentine’s Day earlier this year.

I’ll leave it to the Diva or Tiger Lilly to provide updates, if they’re able. No one likes to see his children cry, and I feel sadder for them than for Piggy-Wiggy, who – face it – has had a good run. Right now I’m reminded of a poem I came across and saved a couple of years ago right about the time our hamster took his last spin around the exercise wheel.

Forty-One, Alone, No Gerbil
In the strange quiet, I realize
there’s no one else in the house.
No bucktooth mouth pulls at a stainless-steel teat, no
hairy mammal runs on a treadmill—
Charlie is dead, the last of our children’s half-children.
When our daughter found him lying in the shavings,
trans-mogrified backwards from a living body into a bolt of rodent bread
she turned her back on early motherhood
and went on single, with nothing. Crackers, Fluffy, Pretzel, Biscuit, Charlie,
buried on the old farm we bought
where she could know nature. Well, now she knows it and it sucks.
Creatures she loved, mobile and needy, have gone down stiff and indifferent,
she will not adopt again
though she cannot have children yet,
her body like a blueprint
of the understructure for a woman’s body,
so now everything stops for a while,
now I must wait many years
to hear in this house again the faint
powerful call of a young animal.
by Sharon Olds, from The Wellspring © Alfred A. Knopf.

Update:

Our beloved Piggy-wiggy died last night after a few seizures. I miss him so much right now. I feel really bad that he had to die alone in the dark. He was my baby, and if love could have saved him, he would have lived forever. Same goes for the cat.
TL.

Our trip to the toplesstapas bar

Saturday night the Reverend Mother and I found ourselves kid-free so we decided to go let it all hang out at our favorite tapas bar. Trust me, we usually get funny looks when we actually say that as opposed to typing it out.

Tapas are small plates of hot or cold Spanish appetizers that you typically order in a series. We like Solera in downtown Minneapolis because the tapas are a creative treat both in flavor and in presentation. While portions are small they are packed with flavor and interesting combinations of meats, vegetables and spices. Generally you choose several from the menu and they are delivered one or two at a time so you can fully appreciate each plate. One time when my wife and I went there we played a little game: she took the cold menu and I took the hot and then we’d each order something without telling the other what was coming. We went three or four rounds like that, sharing each dish as it came and deciding who had made the best choice (believe me, there were no losers).

We didn’t get the inspiration to go to Solera this time until late in the day so when we called there was no way to get a table in the restaurant. But, we were told, there was plenty of non-reserved seating on the rooftop patio. Since it was a very pleasant evening we decided to leave our cozy little suburb to go downtown and dine al fresco. Of course, you’ve first got to change clothes to go downtown, especially on Saturday night. I don’t have much that will pass for urban cool, but I put on some khakis, a blue silk camp shirt (untucked, natch) and my Margaritaville loafers — sans socks! The Mall Diva had given me some “Joe” pomade for the new ‘do but I already had a stylish head of hat-hair going on from mowing the lawn earlier in the day and I didn’t want to become too irresistible since the restaurant is directly across the street from The Amsterdam Hotel, the mecca of gay hospitality in Minneapolis (perhaps “Mecca” and “gay” shouldn’t be linked like that). The Reverend Mother did her part to save some souls, wearing those snug jeans I like that could make Elton John look twice. Also, since it was less than 85 degrees, she wore a jacket.

When we got up to the patio there were only a few tables already occupied so we had no trouble finding a place to sit. Despite being on the roof the view isn’t much to write about, but I will anyway. The four or five foot wall blocks any sight-lines to the street if you’re sitting down, but you can see the top of the Target Center, a parking ramp, some duct-work for the restaurant and the big white screen on the patio where Solera shows movies after dark. You also can’t see the two-story billboard for the Amsterdam that features four cute guys cuddling; I guess it’s up to you whether that’s a positive or a negative. Regardless, it ain’t Applebee’s.

We decided on the $25 “Tapas for Two” combination from the menu; six different appetizers thoughtfully portioned into even numbers so that you don’t have that awkward, “No, dear, you take the last shrimp” moment. The first plate was some barbequed potatoes, very tasty and tangy. Then our black-clad waitress brought us some small grilled sausages and grilled chicken strips in a green chipotle sauce, all on skewers and served on a bed of rice with raisins and mint. The chicken was especially delicious; I told my wife that the chicken was too spicy for her and she wouldn’t like it, but somehow she was onto me and didn’t fall for it. Next up was a plate of lightly-battered, skewered shrimp the size of small bananas and a bowl of what I think was either acini or risoni pasta and cucumber in a minty sauce. I’m not much of a cucumber fan, but I surprised my wife by eating and enjoying this as well.

I looked around right about then and saw a waitress bringing a plate of what looked like miniature hamburgers to another table. “Oooh, those look good,” I remarked to my wife, so I was delighted when our waitress appeared with a similar plate as part of our course. These were actually chorizo sausage patties with a nice cut of roasted red pepper on top, served on mini-buns. Very tasty indeed, and my puppy-eyes prevailed on my wife to give up half of her sandwich, for which I ceded the remainder of the cous-cous and cucumber dish. The finale was a plate of seared tuna slices. They looked rather raw in the middle, but smelled and tasted great and we’ve since had no ill effects.

We were too full for dessert, but still had a fun evening of great food and better companionship. If you’re looking for something to spice up your dining out experience, go “tapas”!

My kind of folks

Buffy brings the beau home

Girl brings home suitor. Father tries to frighten suitor. For real or for jest. With harsh words. An intimidating stare.

Pa used arms the size of tree trunks and a highly arched brow. A friend’s dad employed over the counter drug tests. “Here. Pee in the cup.” The old codgers from Seven Brides for Seven Brothers used guns. Lined up the boys and whipped out the rifles.

Mine used dynamite.

T was the first and last guy I ever brought home to meet the family. I was 25. We’d been together for two years and it was his first visit to Appalachia. I should have been shocked by it all. I wasn’t. Not that I expected my father and his pack of dark-eyed brothers to blow up the mountain, close down the only road out and block any chance of escape for a good portion of the day. But I didn’t not expect it either.