Bwa-ha-ha!

Posted on by
3

I use Powerblogs as my blogging service and I’ve been very happy with it. The platform offers a lot of nice features for just $5 a month, and whenever I’ve screwed something up or had a problem I’ve been able to email my man Chris at Powerblogs HQ and he takes care of it promptly. One of the things I’ve noticed in our communications back and forth is that at the bottom of Chris’s emails is always a philosophical quote from something called Evil Overlord.com. Each of these statements is from a list of things that any aspiring evil overlord should be sure to do when he (or she) comes to power to ensure that do-gooders don’t undo all their hard work.

Since there are some who think this blog just isn’t evil enough I thought I’d research this Evil Overlord thingy and tease you with some of the 100 top suggestions. Not all of them, of course. If you want to read those in their entirety you’ll have to follow the link. (Pardon me while I work on my maniacal laugh — A-henh-henh-ha! How’s that? No? Oh well).

Anyway, check out the link above. It’s for your own good, really, because I know Tiger Lilly is sure to be memorizing every detail.

From the site:

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I’ve read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I’ve noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present…

The Top 100 Things I’d Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

  1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

  2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

  3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

  4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

  5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

  6. I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.

  7. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him then say “No.”

  8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

  9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled “Danger: Do Not Push”. The big red button marked “Do Not Push” will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

  10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

  11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

  12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

  13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

  14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

  15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

  16. I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”

  17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

  18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

  19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father.

  20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

Do you think Aesop might be Over Their Heads?

Posted on by
1

The family watched Over the Hedge the other night. It was amusing enough, but I couldn’t help but notice a certain fable-like quality to the story. I wouldn’t exactly put this movie into the Fundamentals in Film series, I thought I’d share my observations.

If you haven’t seen the movie, the latest animated film from the people who brought us Shrek, it’s the story of a rather amoral raccoon, RJ (voice of Bruce Willis) who’s snack-thieving ways get him in big trouble with a large and implacable bear when he accidentally causes the bear’s food stash to be destroyed. To save himself, RJ must replace everything by a (literal) deadline. While on his quest he comes across a collection of naive woodland animals gently led by a turtle named Vern (Gary Shandling).

Vern and his friends have just awoken from their winter hibernation to find that their forest home has been encircled by a suburban housing development. Initially confused and terrified, they don’t know what to do. RJ, well-acquainted with the appetites and excesses of humans and seeing a way to con the other animals into helping him with his mission, convinces them that the easy life is at hand and all the delicious food they could ever want is literally on their doorstep.

Vern is slow but sensible and doesn’t trust RJ or the new life he promises, even though RJ initially delivers and the other animals are thrilled with the potato chips, cookies and pizza scraps they’ve tasted (“It tastes good, so it must be good for you!”). Vern wants to keep to their old ways and food, but he is ignored and even becomes the butt (literally) of the movie’s humor. The rest of the animals are soon enthusiastically racing through the neighborhood gathering food and following RJ’s directions without knowing his real purpose. Of course, disaster ultimately looms and is narrowly averted but not without everyone learning what is Really Important, blah-bitty blah blah.

I doubt that what I got out of this is what Hollywood intended, but I saw RJ as an allegory of liberal leaders eager to sway the people with goodies, tickling their ears with bright words and stuffing the public’s face with all manner of tantalizing junk to get them to vote with their stomachs while the liberals pursue their unadvertised, self-serving agenda. Vern, on the other hand, is the conservative advocating for the traditional, healthy ways of doing things, even if it’s more work and not as tasty. Just to make the allegory even more realistic, at one point Vern even temporarily gives in and goes along with RJ’s plan, thinking that if so many of the others want it it must be okay. In the end, tradition triumphs and RJ is converted.

Again, that’s probably not exactly the message the movie was trying to send (and someone with a different political view from me might be able to construct his or her own opposite allegory). Overall, though it is a funny and entertaining film that humorously skewers a lot of human foibles by presenting them from the animal’s viewpoint. It’s a little preachy, but well-leavened with physical humor and sight gags and clever references to everything from A Streetcar Named Desire to Pepe LePew. It also steals (RJ might say “borrows”) heavily from the earlier but lesser-known animated film, Hoodwinked (which I also recommend). Rent the movie and I’m sure you and your kids will enjoy it — and if you present it in the right way, they might even learn something, too!

Ve haf vays….

Posted on by
4

Stones Cry Out excerpted a story last week about German police forcibly delivering homeschooled children to the local state schools.

A Nazi-era law requiring all children to attend public school, to avoid “the emergence of parallel societies based on separate philosophical convictions” that could be taught by parents at home, apparently is triggering a Nazi-like response from police.

The word comes from Netzwerk Bildungsfreiheit, or Network for Freedom in Education, which confirmed that children in a family in Bissingen, in the state of Baden-Wuerttemberg, have been forcibly hauled to a public school.

“On Friday 20 October 2006 at around 7:30 a.m. the children of a home educating family … were brought under duress to school by police,” the organization, which describes itself as politically and religiously neutral, confirmed.

A separate weblog in the United States noted the same tragedy.

Homeschoolblogger.com noted that the “three children were picked up by the police and escorted to school in Baden-Wurttemberg, with the ‘promise’ that it would happen again this week.”

The Network for Freedom in Education, through spokesman Joerg Grosseluemern, said the Remeike family has been “home educating their children since the start of the school year, something which is legal in practically the whole of the (European Union).”

It kind of makes you wonder about a government that’s afraid of what parents might teach their children…or that believes it is the rightful parent of the nation. Perhaps they’ve read their William Ross Wallace and know that “the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world,” and they find that discomforting. I’m also amazed that this “Nazi-era” law is still on the books in Germany; it is all für der Kinder, no doubt.

This all reminds me of how the roots of the U.S. education system go deep into the Prussian model of the early 20th century (believe me, we got more than just “kindergarten” from this influence). I had started digging into this topic for a post a long time ago and got sidetracked; it might be time to resurrect this effort. For now, at least, we can appreciate that our money is the only thing the state forcibly takes from our homes and sends to public school. Vote Tuesday!

They once let this guy have access to automatic weapons?

Posted on by
Reply

So many people have been writing about John Kerry’s “botched joke” and butchered apology that I won’t elaborate on what he said, or what he later tried to make us think he said. For the record:

You know, education, if you make the most of it, if you study hard and do your homework, and make an effort to be smart, uh, you can do well. If you don’t, you get stuck in Iraq.

Seems like a pretty straight-forward and direct statement, with no mention of President Bush, who he was supposedly really trying to insult. It may be that I’m just not on his mental wavelength, or sophisticated enough to understand his humor.

What I find interesting about his flatulent glibness is that many people enlist in the military so they can get the money for college that the military provides. College is a very expensive proposition and financial hurdles, more than intelligence and diligence, can be the most daunting barrier for a great many. While many aspire to achieve this education, there are relatively few who can take college admission for granted, as if it were a birthright. For the soldiers who take advantage of the tuition benefits, the discipline and appreciation for the experience no doubt serves them well. I believe that employers, too, look favorably upon the aptitude, confidence and intelligence of ex-soldiers, whether they went on to college or not.

John Kerry’s has shot himself in the foot so many times it is amazing that he can still get both of them into his mouth.

What in the Samhain is going on around here?

Posted on by
19

It’s “All Hallow’s Eve”, or Halloween, and I’m manning the door with treats and hot cider. Since 2001 I’ve set up a fire pit in my front yard and served hot cider along with the treats to warm the kids and their parents that come by. Tonight however it’s cold and very windy, and while the idea of a fire sounds good in concept I know that in practice it would be colder than a witch’s mittens.

This year then I’ve set up in the house, but I’m still offering hot cider, which has been enthusiastically received for the most part. A couple of people have looked at me like I was some kind of weirdo for offering a hot drink, as if it might be spiked or something. Well, I guess if you have a holiday that revels in the scary and even demonic then people are right to be a little paranoid.

We didn’t have a lot to do with Halloween when our girls were little because of the occultic overtones, especially since these have seemed, to my eye, to be even more pronounced in later years. More recently however I’ve come to the conclusion that what is really being celebrated is the profit motive as Halloween has become one of the most lucrative merchandising opportunities in our culture. I’m not sure how it ranks in comparison to another emerging holiday — Super Bowl Sunday — but I know they sell more Halloween paraphernalia than they do for Thanksgiving. And at that some part of me takes a certain satisfaction in knowing that those who take the Samhain traditions and meanings seriously can now be just as offended at the commercialization of their holiday as I may be during Christmas.

For the most part, then, I’m not as concerned that people are being lured to the dark side by Trick or Treat. At least, I’m sure it doesn’t happen any more often than somebody becomes a Christian by watching “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” I know there is real darkness out there, however, even more chilling than tonight’s wind and much more destructive. I also know darkness hates the light, so I’m not going to lock the doors and turn the outside lights off while hiding in my basement tending my own little beacon. No, the darkness likes to be where the people are, and that’s where I need to be as well. I am not willing to cede an inch of ground.

So, while the girls are at Hallelujah Night at church I’ve spent the last few years stoking the fire and heating the cider and smiling at and making eye contact with each visitor, complimenting their costumes, and dispensing goodies with a liberal hand — and no one leaves without hearing a heartfelt, “God bless you.”

Update:

Hey, I even got a couple of “God bless you’s” tonight in return! A couple of people have even said they miss the fire and hope I’ll have it back next year.

We haven’t had much traffic for 30 minutes or so, and it’s been a pretty slow evening. I didn’t think a little thing like the weather could slow kids down from the annual candy crawl, but maybe people really are getting smarter. I think I can turn off the porch lights and settle down to some real work on the laptop. I know, of course, that just as soon as I get everything just so, the doorbell will ring (lights on or not).

A day in our life, the life in our day

Posted on by
3

What a great day we had yesterday. We didn’t start with the usual smush of mother and daughters on the Big Comfy Chair for breakfast and the comics since the Mall Diva had to leave for church early to rehearse with the band, but I did get the joy of opening my eyes to the smells of fresh bread and hot coffee. That, plus being fortified with an extra hour of sleep after “falling back” to Standard Time was a good head start on a lovely autumn day.

We got ourselves organized and off to church (sans Bonita, who was spending the day with her friends and youth group) to hear the Reverend Mother preach for the first time since being ordained late last year (ministry is so much more than preaching and teaching). With her at the lectern, the Mall Diva singing during Praise & Worship, Tiger Lilly working the slides with the song lyrics and me ushering it might seem as if the church couldn’t survive without us, when in actuality just the opposite is true. Afterwards we went over to our friends’ house for brunch where we were gloriously overserved with pumpkin pancakes hot off the griddle with spiced butter and real maple syrup, sausage and egg casserole, croissants, lox and bagels and more coffee in cups as big as our heads. “Uncle” Ben accompanied us, learning that membership does have its privileges (sorry, inside joke), and it was tremendous fun to sit around the table afterwards as the conversation seamlessly wove between the Bible and Monty Python (yes, it can be done).

When we at last took our leave it was then time to head over to St. Paul to hear Ben’s sister play in a wind ensemble. It was a delightful and stirring musical performance that caused me to remember my own school days of playing tenor saxophone in school bands and the satisfaction, and even the thrill, of being part of a large group of people all playing in perfect rhythm and synchronization (well, maybe less than perfect in my case). The best part, however, was meeting Ben’s parents for the first time — and *blush* then hearing how much they had been looking forward to meeting us (and how much they already knew about us). After Marjorie and I were introduced to Ben’s dad, Chris, I started to introduce my daughters but there was no need. Chris turned immediately to the red head and enthusiastically said, “You must be Tiger Lilly!” Then, turning to my other daughter, “And the Mall Diva, of course — and are those wrist sweaters you’re wearing?” I’m used to being addressed in blogging circles by my blog-handle, but it is kind of a strange sensation to hear your children recognized by their aliases, especially by non-bloggers. Maybe it’s just one of those little things that sneak up on parents from time to time to tell you that your children are on about the business of making their way.

Events up to this point would have made for a full and memorable day, but there was still more to come. After the concert and a brief visit with Ben’s folks it was time to head over to Minneapolis for a costume party with Surly and Sweeter Half. Since the Reverend Mother is on-call as a police chaplain this week, that became her “costume” (if she received a call it might be less than effective to arrive on the scene in her official capacity but wearing a fright wig or bunny ears.) The Mall Diva easily reprised her birthday gown and tiara into “Ice Princess” regalia, and Tiger Lilly enthusiastically donned pirate garb with a plastic sword being a satisfactory, temporary trade-off for her new nunchaku which otherwise seldom leave her hands of late (believe me, it pays to keep your eyes open when walking around my house). I went as the unoriginal guy-too-busy-to-create-a-costume, but this was remedied upon my entrance to the party when I was presented with a rakish musketeer hat that I was later loathe to part with.

We met some more new, fun people and had more great food and the Rev. Mother even found the desire of her heart — a baby to hold. This one in particular was special because, even though he was a male infant, his long, dark hair and round cheeks bore a strong resemblance to the very young Diva. I double-clutched when I came into the room and saw the baby cradled in her lap; it was like looking through a rip in the time-space continuum. As discombobulating as it was for me, I think it’s more of a challenge for the Diva, who, beneath the pointed, longing, “When are you going to give me grandchildren” looks of her mother, usually responds with something along the lines of, “What are you looking at me for? You don’t even let me date!”

It was a very pleasant evening and then we had to leave early because it occurred to us that no one had told Bonita the security code for getting back into the house. Later, when Bonita arrived she curled up with the Rev. Mum to download the events of her weekend as well. When it was my turn to bid Marjorie good night we talked about what a fun and full day it had been, but how, strangely, it hadn’t felt stressed or hurried. We decided that it was because other people had done all the work and all we had to do every step of the way was just show up!

I could almost get used to that!

Say what?

Posted on by
4

A commenter here (with whom I share a close blood relation) introduced a word to this blog the other day that, while very familiar to the two of us, may befuddle some readers. Here’s the word:

Pee-wadding.

That’s probably the proper grammatical spelling of the construction, but in its actual use it comes off as a single word, peewaddin (pee’ wad din, noun). You’d be hard-pressed to find an actual definition of it anywhere, but it is one of those special words that when you hear it in context you are immediately able to understand the meaning, if not the definition — even if you’re very young when you first hear it.

When I was a kid and we got together with all of our cousins we’d often end up with five boys within about three years of age of each other. This was an invariably loud and often quite physical conglomeration. One time when we were creating a cloud of dust in my aunt’s front yard she flung the front door open and silenced the assembly by threatening to “slap the peewaddin out” of us if we didn’t knock it off. This was also the aunt that frequently vowed to “snatch a knot” in us, so we took her seriously. (She was much more likely, however, to make us home-made doughnuts or cake.)

Even though I was only seven or eight at that time, I knew instantly that my peewaddin was something I definitely wanted to hold onto.

Identity Crisis

Posted on by
8

Hi guys. How’s it going? Guess what? I got my hair colored today. Just thought y’all would like to know what’s going on in my little world.

There’s a question that’s been burning in my mind for a week or two, and I’d like to know what you guys think.

What (or who) should I be for Halloween? I’ve had a couple of suggestions already, like Cleopatra or a hockey player (so’s I can whack people who don’t behave with my hockey stick). Those are pretty good ideas, but I want to know what else you would come up with. And no, don’t tell me to go as myself because I’m scary enough, or you’re going the right way for a finger-wag.

Here’s a super-interesting useless fact about me: I’ve never been trick-or-treating. Nope, never. Every Halloween our church has a big party with games and candy and costume contests and candy and prizes. And candy. They call it “Hallelujah Night”, and that’s where I went every year. It’s super fun!

There’s usually a theme for the costumes, and then whoever has the best one wins. One year the theme was “the farm”, and my cousin dressed up as a milking machine. She wrote “Acme Milking Machine” on a white shirt and wore a hard hat that had “milking” tubes coming out of the top. Her costume was so awesome! Everyone thought she should have won, except the judges who chose a little girl who was “Princess Kay of the Milky Way”. C’mon! She didn’t think of that herself! She was only like seven! Whatever- we’re over it.

What is everyone else going to be?

How to do those things you were too embarrassed to admit you didn’t know how to do

Posted on by
7

No post yesterday, and light posting today as I’m preparing a teaching for church tonight. Thanks to an article in the Wall Street Journal (subscription required), however, I am happy to direct you to a new video site chock-full of helpful videos of how to do those supposedly basic things that you may not have picked up on life’s journey. You know, things like folding a tee-shirt, boiling an egg, taking a shower. There are also more arcane topics as well, such as how to care for Emperor Scorpions, or how to eat sushi and, just in time for Halloween, how to carve distinctive jack-o-lanterns and how to make marshmallow and popcorn “brain balls”.

The site is called VideoJug, and at the time I visited the “10 Most Watched Videos” in the past hour were as follows:

  1. How To Fold a Tee-Shirt in 2 Seconds
  2. How to Tie a Half-Windsor Knot
  3. How to Use the Shower
  4. How to Kiss Someone Passionately
  5. How to Tie a Full Windsor Knot
  6. How to Become Breast Self Aware
  7. How to Iron a Shirt
  8. How to Perform the Perfect Golf Swing
  9. How to Get Out of a Car Without Showing Your Knickers
  10. How to Clean a Window

Personally, I didn’t even know you were supposed to fold tee-shirts. Even at just two seconds a pop, I estimate I’ve probably “freed up” nine and a half months out of my life so far. Time, no doubt, that I probably should have been utilizing by watching the other videos.

Anyway, other similar and helpful sites mentioned in the article include eHow, ViewDo, WikiHow.

If you want to know how to create a quick blog post when you’re otherwise very busy, go back to the beginning of this article.

Fiesta!

Posted on by
1

The birthdays have been rolling in hot and heavy here lately, and Saturday was the 17th for Bonita. I set up the fire pit on the back patio where the kids could hang out and The Reverend Mother baked the Cafe Latte chocolate and pecan layer cake. We had some of our family over while Bonita invited her friends from the youth group at the church where she has grown up. These youth were all Hispanic and spoke mostly in Spanish. I know a little Spanish, but this can be disconcerting. At one point I think they were mocking our curtains, but I can’t be sure.

The kids were a good group, each was gracious and respectful when they arrived and they all thanked us for having them over when they left. In between they were a pretty exuberant group without the sulky faces and attitude you sometimes get with teenagers when they have to be around adults (yeah, yeah, I know adults can put on some pretty strange faces and attitudes when they have to be around teen-agers, too). We pretty much left them alone and they hung out outside near the fire for awhile but the Mall Diva and Tiger Lilly eventually lured everyone into our basement for the infamous “Dance-Dance Revolution” game. Sometimes I think these two sit around trying to think of ways to get people to come over so they can stomp them into the game’s vinyl dance pads.

Well, it wasn’t long before the young men in the group had to call for reinforcements, and five more gentlemen soon arrived. These were introduced with names such as Israel and Rueben (Gad and Napthali apparently couldn’t make it) They were soon flung into battle, but Bonita and the girls had reinforcements of their own: the Reverend Mother was summoned to the basement and she continued the humiliation. Her domination of one of the young men greatly amused his comrades, one of whom called out, “She’s whipping you like your mother!” No wonder these guys have learned to be respectful!

The place was definitely rocking, whether from the loud music and loud voices, or all the youthful exuberance (or hormones) bouncing off the walls. The next generation certainly has some advantages over us older types, however; for instance, no matter how loud it got, you could always see at least two of the youngsters talking on their cellphones as well. I can barely operate my cell phone when I’ve got 50 feet of air space around me.

It was a really fun night and Bonita was thrilled. We were delighted to meet her friends and we’ll be happy to see more of them in the future. We don’t have too many photos from the party because the room was so full there wasn’t room to squeeze a digital camera in there, but I may post a few in the updates later.