My own version of “The Writer’s Almanac”

I enjoy the daily “Writer’s Almanac” email I get from Garrison Keillor (or his staff). These always have interesting tidbits and historical notes about writers related to the current calendar date. A typical opening is “It’s the birthday of….”

Well, today is the birthday of John E. West (1914-1997), my maternal grandfather, who has been referenced in this blog from time to time. Pawpaw was a gifted writer and storyteller who wrote extensively without attempting to be published (boy, does that sound familiar). This gift, if you want to call it that (actually, I think I like to “have written” more than I like to write) was passed on to me, helped by the time we spent together, the stories he told and the encouragement he gave me. I’ve wondered many times if he would have embraced the blogosphere had he been born 30 years later, and if so, what his stories would have been like without his experiences from the early part of the last century.

The closest I can come to finding out is to run one of his stories from his youth here. The following account took place in the mid-1920s in and around the small community of Cuba, Missouri. It’s a humorous look back at the way life was then and an enlightening glimpse at the first “marketing guru” in the family. I hope you like these apples.

Apples
by John E. West

From dusk ’til dawn

Apparently we stand at the dawn of a new era, an era of peace and fellowship, free from the “culture of corruption,” heading to a brave new world.

A brave new world, perhaps, but one with some familiar old faces. George McGovern. Dan Rather. Daniel Ortega. Hillary-Care.

“Health care is coming back,” Clinton warned, adding, “It may be a bad dream for some.”

Heck, even Jack Murtha’s old Abscam tapes are making a comeback (wielded by members of his own party!). I wonder if Sandy Berger is in charge of returning those to the library when the Dems are done with them?

My goodness, with all this recycling, what’s next: a 21% prime rate and the Misery Index?

Well, far be it from me to ignore a trend. Here’s an excerpt from an oldie I posted back in the day when a certain national party had suffered another devastating political loss and was tasering itself over what went wrong and how to to repackage itself:

Not surprisingly, some of those out of power have been trying to repackage their memes in “value” oriented terms, confident (or at least hopeful) that their recent failures were merely a matter of poor communication and not a faulty philosophy. Others on that side, however, shout “Theocracy, booga booga!” as if this were a nation of vampires horrified at the sight of a crucifix. Yet their own One True Faith compels them to react to judicial nominees in the same way the Taliban greeted reliefs of Buddha.

Or perhaps these are the vampires, fleeing the dawn and being cornered in a crypt – be it the Senate Cloak Room or the faculty lounge at a University. Hissing at the rabble that have pursued them, they draw themselves up in as fierce a manner as can be mustered to demand imperiously that no one touch that window shade.

They know the day must have its turn, but if they can hold out long enough then night, too, will again have its way.

It’s interesting that most of the Democrats that won election last week did so by running toward the middle, yet those aren’t the voices in victory that we’re hearing. Instead it’s the vampires who have returned, and all because the people who held the stake poised over these undead hearts on our behalf turned away because they were afraid of getting splinters.

Did I say earlier that we stood at the dawn of a new era? Perhaps I was wrong; for a few moments dusk and dawn can look a lot alike so you have to wait a few minutes to see if it’s getting lighter or darker. In the meantime, however, I suggest you watch your neck.

Sunday with the Guys

If you know anything about my family, you know that male-famale ratio is pretty low. As in one to four. Well, if you include the animals, its three to five, but we don’t. What I’m saying is that it’s usually pretty estrogenetic around here. (Did I just make up a new word?)

So on Sunday Benny and one of my Poppi’s old buddies came over to do manly things like hang out in the scary basement to watch the Vikings-Packers game and eat chili spicy enough to make them have to blow their noses every 4 and a half minutes. (After the kleenex were all used up there were brownies, but that’s not too manly, so don’t tell.) I know because I hung out in the scary basement, too; eating the spicy chili (though my nose didn’t run) and dozing through the football game. It was hard sometimes, though, because of the yelling. Packer fans can be rather boisterous. And so help me, Ben, if you throw that pillow at me again I’ll defenestrate you.

After a while, I felt like I was being resented. My dad told me I was cramping their style, and that if I wasn’t down there, they’d be lighting farts and whatnot. I told them that if they wanted me to leave, to just say so; but then I was begged to stay. I guess I’m not the only one that feels that fart-lighting isn’t manly, it’s just gross.

After that, there was dance-dancing, where I was almost taken out by a stray flying fist; and then “V for Vendetta”. The movie was interesting, I’ll give it that.

Whooaaa…too much testosterone! It’s going to take the four of us women several chick-flicks to get the basement back to normal. Where’s my “You’ve Got Mail”?

Of the veterans

A couple of thoughts on this Veteran’s Day. A little while back I heard a song on The Current that haunted the back of my mind. I heard it again this last week and it’s hold grew on me so that I downloaded it from iTunes. The song is by Eliza Gilkyson, from her Paradise Hotel album, and the lyrics are taken from letters written by her ancestor, Jedidiah Huntington, who commanded troops in the Revolutionary War and fought beside George Washington. While I don’t think I share many political views with Ms. Gilkyson, Jedidiah’s words from the past moved me much as they must have moved her. Here are the lyrics:

Jedidiah 1777
(Eliza Gilkyson)

Jedidiah out in the snow
Walkin’ the frozen trenchlines
Wet boots and his wool coat comin’ apart at the seams.
Rations of hard-baked dough,
Handfuls of melting snow
What else can a man live on but his dreams?

Not twenty miles away,
in the mansions of Philadelphia,
Loyalists lay their money down on the king.
We’ve provision enough for the day,
but if victory were just for the wealthy
Our noble cause wouldn’t be worth the hardship we’re suffering.

Send the cloth for a good waistcoat,
I dream of your hearth and the fields of oat.
I awake to the drum and the trembling note of the piper.
May it please God in His great mercy,
To shelter our friends and our family.
I remain your son most faithfully,
Jedidiah

I have seen a man, who has seen a man
who has heard the king,
Tell of his intention our independence to declare.
The peace will undoubtedly bring
A great revolution in commerce;
May it be our rightful fortune to come in for a share.

My regards to a certain Miss Moore,
I’ve stated my honorable intentions for her;
That upon my return from this necessary war she’ll be my wife.
May it please God in His great mercy
to restore the joys of domesticity.
Salutations to the family,
Jedidiah

I rejoice that the cause we’re engaged in
is in the hands of an Almighty Sovereign;
Who I doubt not is accomplishing the ends of His desire.
My love to you and the fair Miss Moore;
Spare me a bottle from the cellar store,
and in my name let the contents pour,
Jedidiah

I’m moved by the sacrifice and spirit that runs through the song. Jedidiah survived the war and married Miss Moore and led a very distinguished life as the biographical link describes.

Also, just in time for Veteran’s Day, I’m very happy to announce that the Gary Cooper classic “Sergeant York” became available at last on DVD this week. This is an amazing (and almost entirely true) story that is seldom remembered. I’ve shown the movie twice to teenage boys as part of my Fundamentals in Film series (most recently last night) and it’s hard to believe the reaction it gets. Even though the movie is set in World War I, filmed in black and white and the Tennessee accents are a little thick for northern ears, the boys embraced this movie. They’ve laughed out loud at the many humorous scenes, grown thoughtful as the main character, Alvin York, wrestles with his faith and his duty, and rolled their eyes a bit at the love story. The discussion after the movie last night was one of our best I’ve had with this present group of boys.

If you’ve never seen this movie, or haven’t watched it in a long time, you definitely need to check it out (it’s available on Netflix, btw, which mailed it to me the day before it was officially released). Though it might appear at first as a rather simple story, it’s an excellent tonic for our age that will encourage your faith, stimulate your thinking and deepen your appreciation for what our veterans have endured for our country.

Oh, that other election

Somewhat overlooked in the last couple of days is the return of Daniel Ortega and the Sandinistas to power in Nicaragua. This is a sequel that has to rank up there with all the Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street and Jason movies for horror and carnage. Ortega won in a five-way race for president by garnering 38 percent of the vote with no opponent within five percent of him. These statistics were significant because of a constitutional amendment presciently pushed through by the Sandinistas before the election that eliminated the need for a run-off if a candidate receives at least 35 percent of the vote and a 5 percent margin over the nearest competitor. Gee, it’s almost as if they knew something.

Fortunately we can banish any thoughts of election shenanigans and voter suppression, despite a curious series of power outages around the country on election day, because Jimmy Carter was on hand to monitor the election, as this photo of he and Ortega looking longingly into each other’s eyes documents.

Amy Ridenour has more about the Nicaraguan election and the fawning reaction of the U.S. media here and here, plus a link to an excellent analysis by Publius Pundit.

The whole thing brings back memories, good and quite bad. One of my favorites, however, is something P.J. O’Rourke included in his book Give War a Chance: Eyewitness Accounts of Mankind’s Struggle against Tyranny, Injustice and Alchohol-Free Beer about his trip to Nicaragua in 1990 to report on the Ortega-Chamorro election that turned into a shocking upset in favor of Violetta Chamorro and the Nicaraguan people that left most of the media and the many Hollywood “Sandalistas” and their camp-followers who had come down for the party stunned and (even more) confused. O’Rourke himself was caught off-guard:

I hadn’t come to Nicaragua prepared for such joy. Like most readers of papers and watchers of newscasts, I thought the Sandinistas were supposed to win this one. I’m a member of the working press; you’d think I’d know better than to listen to journalists. But there’s a little bit of the pigeon in every good confidence man. I even believed the February 21st ABC-Washington Post poll that had Ortega leading Chamorro by sixteen percentage points. That is – I blush to admit this – I accepted the results of an opinion poll taken in a country where it was illegal to hold certain opinions. You can imagine the poll-taking process: “Hello, Mr. Peasant, I’m an inquisitive and frightening stranger. God knows who I work for. Would you care to ostensibly support the dictatorship which controls every facet of your existence, or shall we put you down as in favor of the UNO opposition and just tear up your ration card right here and now?”

Ortega was a staunch supporter and favorite of Cuba in his first reign, and an unabashed supporter and embracer of terrorism, and was heavily supported by Venezuelan President and would-be exorcist Hugo Chavez this go-round. Hmmm — Hugo and Daniel buddy-buddy in Central America and Hugo (who wants weapons) and Kim Jong-il (who wants oil and somebody to take him seriously) already exchanging Valentines. Hey, Congress: how quick can we get that wall built? (Uh-oh).

Onward and upward

I’m sorry I’m late posting today, but with the results of the elections I’ve been busy all day putting my house on the market and getting ready to move to Australia. ;^ )

I’m disappointed, to be sure, but not discouraged or depressed. It’s not that I don’t think it matters who’s in office (though at times one can be hard-pressed to tell the difference), or that the country isn’t in for rough patch for awhile, but I take solace that my happiness and even my sustenance isn’t dependent on who’s sitting where in whatever Capitol building. There is a higher authority on a much higher throne who’s mandate is not affected by poll or policy.

I’ve not posted much about politics on this blog, and that’s not an accident. I definitely have my “side” and I’m strong in my beliefs and convictions that the government that governs best, governs least, but I long ago gave up on the quaint notion that there were many in authority in either of the major parties who shared these convictions with me. There was a time, however, when I was totally immersed, and gave up large and important chunks of my life to fight the good fight, going to caucuses, lit-dropping, planting signs, managing a campaign, serving as a delegate many times, once even making it to the state convention. The good fight, however, often was with the leadership of my supposedly righteous party who’s most fundamental concern was with getting their guy (or gal) in office simply because he or she wasn’t the other party’s guy or gal. Who they were or what they really stood for (or would go along with) wasn’t as important as having the right letters follow the name of the office-holder.

Jaded? No, not really. Once it sunk in that it was a game for both sides to play King of the Middle, I almost felt liberated. I realized that, for me, it made more sense to turn my efforts to the micro, rather than macro; to try and stir up the desire and the need for self-government in others one or two lives at a time and – as those lives changed – have faith that it might trickle up and someday move the middle closer to me. Others have felt different callings and I admire those who have gone to the front lines of the political battles as volunteers and officers, throwing themselves into the long and thankless hours that are needed to put a team on the field. We need those true believers on the wall. Many are bloggers and friends and I pray for their courage and their healing and their peace. They have the passion and the insight and, like so much else, I leave the commentary mainly to them.

As ugly as the process has become, and as the results we’ve just experienced are, I confess to a flicker of optimism. Everything is educational, and it doesn’t really matter if you learn something the hard way or the easy way as long as you do, in fact, learn. I find it ironic that a certain group emerged from the political darkness a dozen years ago and won on a promise to be different and ultimately became so enamored with “winning” that they forgot how to do it. All the compromises, all the “outreach” they did out of fear of not being “electable” came back to bite them in their spongy and expanding asses.

So, a cleansing breath, and let the other side shoot themselves in the foot for a little while. There’s alway plenty of low-hanging fruit on either side that will ripen into scandal; let those guys draw the flies for awhile and let’s get back to basics, and let’s hope that there will still be people willing to go back up on that wall when the time comes.

More than sports … as opposed to “more-on” sports

One of my favorite on-line sports features is the Tuesday Morning Quarterback (TMQ) on ESPN.com I’ve linked the author, Gregg Easterbrook before because he has a creative and insightful take on sportswriting often makes me say, “Yeah, why is that?” (Today’s main feature on why the NFL should abolish Injured Reserve and the 53-man limited roster is breathtaking.) What I really like, however, is his tangential observations on our culture, and today’s (always) lengthy entree had several zingers.

Here’s his take on the dueling attack ads in Virginia senate race:

REPUBLICAN ATTACK AD
Soft, lilting female voice. Because voters worry that Republicans are too right-wing, the voice-over in Republican attack ads is always a sweet, reasonable-sounding woman.

“Did you know that Jim Webb reads novels? That he thinks about sex? Jim Webb has never denied thinking about sex! Jim Webb has been known to receive money. The exact amount of money he has received has never been disclosed! Many drug dealers drive their cars on highways, and Jim Webb drives his car on highways. So what’s the difference between Jim Webb and a drug dealer? While serving in the Vietnam War, Webb frequently used profanity, and is rumored to have thought about sex. When five brave firefighters died trying to stop the California wildfire, Jim Webb did nothing to rescue them — nothing! As a Democrat, Jim Webb advocates mandatory homosexuality, tax-funded Cadillacs for welfare recipients, the abolition of religion, surrendering our country to the United Nations and letting Saddam Hussein out of jail on a technicality. If Jim Webb is elected, Osama bin Laden will be placed in control of the United States military. Why won’t Jim Webb release the details of his thoughts?”

DEMOCRATIC ATTACK AD
Booming, macho voice. Because voters worry that Democrats are too squishy, the voice-over in Democratic attack ads always sounds like a steroid-swilling bodybuilder.

“Maybe George Allen is no longer a Satan-worshipper, but many Satan-worshippers are skilled at hiding their true allegiance. The postman, the school principal — can you be sure they are not Satan worshippers? Can you be sure George Allen is not? As a Republican, George Allen favors mandatory pregnancy, nuclear war against Canada, and the resumption of the Atlantic slave trade. George Allen never has explained adequately where he was on May 23, 1983. Investigators have found many documents related to George Allen. George Allen has been observed leaving meetings. Some of these meetings occurred in private! If George Allen is re-elected, major oil companies will charge for gasoline. George Allen has never denied that George W. Bush is President of the United States. George Allen, George Bush. Powerful insiders don’t want you to know that both have the same first name!”

Speaking of elections, here’s this (I think) satirical note:

Washington, D.C. — Nov. 7: Former president Jimmy Carter leads a team of international observers that will monitor elections in the United States today. Observers from Nicaragua, Guatemala, North Korea, Mexico, Congo, Nigeria, Pakistan and the West Bank will watch polling places for signs of fraud or suppression of the vote. In recent years, Carter has led many international teams to monitor elections in fledgling democracies plagued by voting scandals. This is Carter’s first election-monitoring mission to the United States itself. International observers wearing blue armbands will be stationed at polling places across Florida, Ohio, Illinois and Nevada. “We hope to help the American people vote freely and see their votes counted,” Nicaraguan team member Daniel Ortega told the Associated Press. Observation team member Olusegun Obasanjo of Nigeria said, “Once America learns to hold elections without irregularities, further intervention by the international community should no longer be necessary.”

He also had an interesting proposal on how to clean up the abuse of the public trough in Washington, D.C. that comes from lobbying and earmarking. Somehow his idea sounds kind of un-American, but I like it:

Related point: Jodi Rudoren and Aron Philhofer of the New York Times recently reported that 1,421 state and local governments have hired Washington lobbyists, who in 2004 spent $110 million on lobbying in order get more than $60 billion designated as “earmarks,” or special budget favors to specific places or programs. That is to say, $110 million in state and local tax money was expended to divert $60 billion in federal tax money — most of which came from people who live in states and cities, state and local taxpayers being the sources of most federal taxes. To get these favors, state and local governments hire as lobbyists former members of Congress or former congressional staffers, who then use their insider status to fleece the taxpayer. This is a classic “sliver strategy” — Congress hands out $60 billion in favors so that cronies of members of Congress can rake in $110 million in lobbying fees. Because what goes directly into the cronies’ pockets is only a small sliver of the overall waste, the sliver goes unnoted. I bet there is bipartisan consensus that Republicans and Democrats alike both don’t want this investigated, either!

Wouldn’t taxpayers come out way ahead if the salaries of members of Congress were raised to, say, $1 million per year, but in return all forms of outside income were banned for senators and representatives while retired members were permanently banned from lobbying? Raising congressional salaries to $1 million per year would cost the federal taxpayer $535 million — a bargain compared to $60 billion in earmarks and other wasteful spending that Congress approves for reasons of cronyism.

Finally, after seeing this item in TMQ, I’m predicting a surge in new email spam offers for the following “enhancement”:

Dear, the Garage Enhancement Truck Is Here: Recently TMQ included an item about fancy garage appliances as the new frontier in suburban acquisitiveness. How soon, I asked, until garage renovation strikes? Answer: not long! Many readers, including Jayne Mulholland of Charleston, S.C., alerted me to this new company, Premiere Garage, which calls itself “The Leader in Garage Enhancement.” Let’s hope that’s natural garage enhancement! Check the company’s photos, which showcase spotless garages unlike any that have ever existed in human history. These garages remind you of car ads that feature a guy in a convertible roaring down the open road with not one single other vehicle anywhere for miles around. The Premiere Garage FAQs page has this exchange:

“Q. My garage is full of stuff. What do we do with it while the floor is being coated?”

“A. It is the homeowners’ responsibility to remove all possessions from the garage.”

This may look like I’ve lifted his whole column, but it’s probably only about 25% of his weekly exposition. Read the whole thing to find out more about smart is it, really, to have the world’s largest container ship (191,000 tons, more than twice that of a Nimitz-class supercarrier) crewed and controlled by just 19 people, plus sections entitled “News from the Edge of the Solar System” and “News from the Edge of the Universe”, plus a heaping-helping of inside-football tactics and the ever-popular “NFL Cheerleader of the Week” offering.

Pants for the Victory Dance

I have a new favorite tv commercial. It’s for Haggar slacks with the flexible waistband. Granted, that’s not a new concept, but the way the pants were advertised yesterday is new. The commercial starts out looking like a home improvement show with a couple of average-looking guys my age welcoming us back to the show and today’s project: How to get rid of your daughter’s worthless boyfriend (some young slob with a game-controller in his hand is shown sprawled across Dad’s couch).

Of course, the guy-mantra I grew up with is “the right tool for the right job” and in the case of this commercial that means you’re going to want the Haggar slacks with the (whatever-they-call-it) waistband, that stretches and flexes with you even if you’re moving vigorously, as one of the guys demonstrates by grabbing the slob and propelling him through a large open window, saying that the flexible waistband comes in handy “when you gotta grab a squirmy one.”

While the commercial is funny, the thing that really caught my attention is that Haggar is embracing its image as being “older-guy” pants. This is a daring strategy. Even though there are a lot more older guys around now than there are young skinny-waisted whippersnappers, it doesn’t necessarily mean that we embrace the physical changes in our lives, especially being part of the generation that has been sold youth for the the past 30 years. That’s why you don’t see a lot of prime-time commercials selling ear and nose-hair trimmers, and why ads for Viagra and Cialis feature robust, virile-looking men with a touch of gray throwing footballs or, I don’t know, gutting a grizzly bear or something and not some balding, paunchy guy struggling to twist the cap off the bottle with his Cheetos-stained and arthritic fingers.

Through humor and attitude I think I’m coming to grips with my faithful but aging and sometimes gimpy body, and it’s kind of fun to see Haggar doing the same and talking right at me instead of down to me or telling me I can still make people think I’m young by wearing the right kind of stylish pants. I don’t remember the last time I had any Haggar pants — it might have been a pair my mom bought me when I was in high school. Before this commercial I wouldn’t have thought of Haggar when it was time to buy pants, but now I think I might buy some. Better yet:

Note to the Mall Diva: since you’re concerned about my pants (see post below), you might want to get me a couple of pair of these for Christmas. Darker colors, please, because the blood stains don’t show up as much.

What will become of us?

Thursday night I came home from work, and the house was quiet. Bonita was talking on the phone in the living room, and I heard a ticka-ticka coming from the basement which meant my dad was blogging.

I found a cup of coffee sitting on the counter, getting cold.
I yelled downstairs, “Dad! Did mom make you some coffee?”
“Oh, dang it! I forgot about that.”
He came upstairs and I asked him where Tiger Lilly was.
“Oh, dang it! I forgot to pick her up from tae kwon do!”

You know, sometimes I think he just gets lost in his own little world. One of these days I’m going to ask him where his pants are just to see if he says “Oh, dang it! I forgot!”

Yes, yes, it all seems very funny right now, but what if he forgets something really important? Like my birthday? Yeah, I know, as if I’d ever let anyone forget that. But what if?

Anyway,last night I decided to watch one of my favorite movies (Elf). So I got all comfy in my pajamas and settled down in the basement with my sister and my cat when my friend calls me and asks if I want to go to the Wild game.

“What time do we have to leave?”
“Uhh..Right now.”

So I ditched my sister and Buddy the Elf, changed my clothes and had some fun at the hockey game. It’s too bad we lost.

Ah, well, I know they can do better next time. Go, Wild!