Hey, Nineteen

She thinks I’m crazy, but I’m just growing old

The Mall Diva turned 19 on Saturday; it wasn’t as big a deal as her golden birthday last year (18 on the 18th of August) — a series of events that required three blog posts — so we toned it down a little bit, especially since we didn’t want to detract attention from the gala MOB wedding.

In fact, I wasn’t going to even mention it, except that I didn’t want to be accused (again) of being forgetful. Actually, I think the Mall Diva should blog about it — or blog about something anyway — if she wants to hang out with the bloggers at Keegan’s on Thursday night and try (again) to get Marty to sing Happy Birthday to her.

Parade the lawyers

It’s County Fair season and the time of the year when many small communities throw a party in honor of some historical, agricultural or commercial claim to fame; hence a succession of berry festivals, Pioneer Days and okra feeds. All of these occasions, of course, must be launched with a parade.

Since the events themselves are all about tradition, it’s a good idea not to mess too much with the traditional parade fare. For example, you’ve got to have the loveliest young local women waving from open cars. This tradition goes back, I think, to ancient times when each year’s crop of virgins would be escorted to the volcano or cenote as part of a lobbying effort for another fruitful year. Along the way they would throw out treats, either as a representation of Mother Nature bestowing her generosity or as small bribes to anyone they might induce to step forward and get them out of there before they reached the sacred sacrificial platform. This custom continued even long after the sacrifices were all but eliminated, with local businesses throwing out candy in an effort to curry goodwill by encouraging the children of the community to eat things found on the road.

Gross, yes, but who wants to mess with tradition? According to Cathy in the Wright, there are some who just don’t get it:

This year, the Cokato Corn Carnival Committee made the executive decision that there would be NO CANDY allowed in the parade.

A heartfelt letter to the editor, from said CCCC, explained that safety concerns were behind the measure. After receiving complaints, apparently about the velocity of sugary booty being hurled at parade-goers, the committee requested last year that all parade entrants who wanted to toss candy, do so by having volunteers walk along the curbs and gently distribute treats to all the little urchins lining the street. But, alas, some renegade scofflaw had the nerve to chuck candy from a moving float and therefore (say it with me) FOR THE CHILDREN, the safety of whom is surely squeezed in the middle of that cleanliness/godliness bond, no candy.

General discontent was widespread, and I was already looking forward to a round of terse Letters to the Editor in the next few weeks denouncing the Communist take-over of this annual event. But now I’m positively exploding with anticipation. A local landscaping company bucked authority and threw the forbidden Tootsie Rolls from their float.

The whispers and murmers rolled down Broadway Avenue. Some people cheered, some clapped, and some wondered when Wright County’s finest were going to descend on the outlaws. But overall, I think most people were ready to give the landscapers a standing ovation. Personally, I’m thinking of ripping out the grass in my front yard just so I can hire them to come replace it.

Apparently the annual carnage of broken childish bodies bleeding on the Norman Rockwell streets of our fair communities (which has, nevertheless, been successfully hushed up) has spurred people on to DO SOMETHING. Actually, it reminds me of the first parade I ever went to. I was about to enter kindergarten and we had moved back to my parents’ small hometown. A couple of my cousins who were my age were riding on one of the floats and they told me in advance that they’d be sure to throw some candy to me. As we got to the parade route, however, my father expressly forbid my little brother and I from running out into the street for candy.

Oh, the agony, as we stood on the curb, quivering, as float after float passed by, flurries of candy being eagerly snatched out of the air and off the ground before it could get to us. Finally, the float with my cousins came by, and a handful of promised bounty was cast in our direction, only to fall short just two and one half strides in front of me. My brother and I completely forgot ourselves and our obedience. We lunged for the windfall; one big step, an outstretched hand, and — “STOP!” My father’s command yanked us back as surely as if we wore barbed-wire choke-chains. I can still see the candy on the asphalt — a butterscotch lozenge (which I didn’t like anyway), a couple of sourballs (green and yellow) and a Bit-O-Honey — and the grubby hands of the kids around us as they snatched up what had been promised to ME. But I’m not bitter or scarred, not me.

Thunder and lightning

I often think about how much I enjoy living indoors. Usually these thoughts come on Monday mornings when I try to remember why I’m getting out of bed. Coincidentally, the thought also came to me as I lay in bed last night, absorbing one of the most unusual thunderstorms I’ve ever experienced.

The typical Minnesota thunderstorm features sporadic flashes of lightning, followed by the thunder. I automatically find myself counting the seconds between the flash and the bang. Sometimes you get that kind of fireworks-like thrill on the close ones where the boom crashes down on you in the split second immediately after the flash. Is it the electric-charge in the air or the startle reflex that makes those hairs stand up on the back of your neck when that happens?

Last night, however, was a non-stop flash and roll that went on seemingly forever. The vibrations were so fierce and persistent that I could feel them coming up from the floor and into the bed. The lighting was constant, flickering like a flourescent bulb that is going bad. If I’d had my reading glasses on I think I could have read by it, though the effort probably would have made me nauseous. Meanwhile the thunder was a continuous tympani of rolling rumbles that made it impossible to determine which bark went with which bite. Except for the one time, that is, when the sheet of light shocked the east window of our bedroom at the same time the thunder came through the north window like Kong looking for Fay Wray.

To tell you the truth, I don’t know how long the storm ultimately lasted. There’s just something so comforting about being snug and dry when something like that is going on — even under these extreme conditions — that I went to sleep before the show was over. Can anybody tell me how it turned out?

Rolling the blog odometer

At 10:09 a.m. this morning an unknown reader and Qwest customer from Denver, Colorado was the 100,000th SiteMeter visitor to this blog. I estimate that if you take out the number of times that I’ve hit this site myself in the last two and a half years that would mean, oh, 600-700 actual visits (90% of which left a comment on a Mall Diva post).

I thank God and Google for every one of you!

The bridges of Minneapolis and San Luis Rey, and the Tower of Siloam

Who, what, when, where? Those are the first things we want to know when a disaster makes the news. Close on their heels comes the question hardest to answer: Why?

That question breaks into two parts, the physical and the metaphysical. Why did the bridge fail structurally, and why were these particular people apportioned to survive, die or be injured? The first question will eventually be known to the millimeter; the second will remain fuzzy. Implicit in the second one, however, is the fear that everything is random, that there is no justice, or that justice is applied on a scale so grand that we can’t calculate it; either way we are left with uncertainty as to just what measure is due us personally. The thing is, we want there to be a reason and order to things, and optimistically assume (or hope) that our own accounts will balance to the “good”; promising or justifying our own deliverance from calamity.

We easily extend our version of grace to others (as long as they’re victims and not members of the opposition party), generously judging them good or innocent by the most general of categories: he was a “nice guy”, she was a young mother. “Why do bad things happen to good people?” we cry. Other people, or other times, might view calamity as judgment or karmic justice.

Similarly, was it chance or God’s plan that resulted in the deaths in the collapse of the 35W bridge in Minneapolis? Was it God’s indifference that lead to the fall, or God’s providence that the calamity was not more catastrophic? If there is such a “goodness” scale, by what measure can the survivors claim deliverance and what comfort can be given to the families of those who didn’t? How can a former missionary go missing while a child abuser survives?

People didn’t start asking these questions just when President Bush took office, either. In his 1927 novel, “The Bridge at San Luis Rey,” Thornton Wilder tackles similar questions and circumstances in the person of Brother Juniper who tries to ascertain the central failing in the lives of five people who perish when the titular bridge falls into a chasm. (He could come to no conclusion). Going back a bit further, in John 9:2, Jesus was asked about a blind man, “Who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

“Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.” Whereupon he made mud and put it in the blind man’s eyes and then sent him to wash in the pool of Siloam, healing his blindness. Interestingly, Siloam is mentioned again in Luke 13 when people suggest to Jesus that calamity overcame certain people as a judgment. His response: “… those eighteen on whom the tower in Siloam fell and killed them, do you think that they were worse sinners than all other men who dwelt in Jerusalem? I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish.”

Or, (excuse my jump in character but not in context), in the words of Clint Eastwood in Unforgiven, “We’ve all got it coming.” The point being made was that no one is innocent, but each may come to the revelation of salvation by grace; by the work of God, not man.

I’m not trying to be dark. In fact, I believe that there is an order and justice in the universe even if we can’t see it all at once. I believe that because, in fact, we are able to see beauty and justice from time to time. If it weren’t so, all would be chaos and despair. Instead, in the midst of the refining fire of a disaster there are gleaming streaks of gold rising through all the impurities; the acts of courage, altruism and goodness in the survivors and rescuers (perhaps even unplumbed in their lives up until that point), and of a community pulling together in empathy and faith.

Bridges are aspirational; tangibly they are an example of our ability to overcome an obstacle to achieve what we want. The failure of one is not just a challenge to getting what we want, it is a repudiation of our ability to even conceive of it; the cutting of the tight rope woven of our doctrines that we walk to find our own salvation. In Mark Helprin’s book “Winter’s Tale” the allegorical and eternal Jackson Mead, an engineer representing either Lucifer or man (I go back and forth on this), strives to bend steel, nature and his will into casting a tremendous bridge of light to Heaven that — like our human understanding — touches the far shore for a moment and falls. Yet one of the messages of the book is that the balances are exact; and one thing cannot fall without something else rising and even more gloriously.

The 35W bridge fell in a crush of broken steel, concrete and bodies — and though the dust sought to obscure it, we could suddenly see something clearly: we are the bridges, standing in or reaching across the gap for and to one another.

Standing, always.

Fat chance, Lafayette

The Highway 35 bridge over the Mississippi was one that I was pretty familiar with, but didn’t have to drive on too often in recent years. When it fell I had little trouble picturing it in my mind — or imagining the sensation of being one of those trapped on the span when it fell. I was very glad that I wasn’t on that bridge and that it wasn’t part of my direct commute.

Later, as we heard what was known about the condition of the bridge, I also thought about human nature and whether I would, if I knew the bridge’s condition, have continued to drive that bridge if it was the fastest way to work. How difficult would it have been to rationalize saving 10 or 15 minutes in order to drive on a bridge that even with its deficiencies was still considered safe to drive by experts? And how stupid would I have then felt when I felt the first tremor? I was glad that I hadn’t had to try and work that one out.

Or so I thought.

Over 100 state bridges rated worse than 35W
(Article and graph from St. Paul Pioneer Press, August 5.)

Before the Interstate 35W bridge collapsed into the Mississippi River, state engineers viewed another Twin Cities bridge as a more serious threat: the Lafayette Bridge in downtown St. Paul.

The span over the Mississippi River is scheduled to be replaced in 2011 – many years before the I-35W bridge would have been – and suffers the same key defect that experts say contributed to Wednesday’s disaster. It was built with an outdated design that doesn’t prevent the entire structure from falling if one component fails.

“Drive across the Lafayette Bridge in rush hour sometime,” said Ramsey County Commissioner Tony Bennett. “It shakes. I won’t drive on it. That bridge is in dire need.”

The Lafayette is one of about 100 bridges in Minnesota considered to be in worse condition than the I-35W span that crumbled during rush hour Wednesday, according to a review of inspection records. The collapse has left many wondering how one of the state’s most heavily traveled bridges could have simply succumbed during normal, everyday traffic.

MnDOT engineer Chris Roy, interviewed before the collapse of the I-35W bridge, said the Lafayette has structural flaws and called it a “high-maintenance” bridge. It received a “poor condition” rating for its superstructures (I-beams, girders) and a “fair condition” rating for its deck. The substructure is in “good condition.”

The bridge also suffers the same inherent flaw as the I-35W bridge – it was built without structural redundancies.

“It’s a type of bridge design that we wouldn’t build anymore,” Roy said.

The Lafayette Bridge is part of my commute, and I’ve driven it at least twice a day for ten years, plus countless other trips into St. Paul. I have felt it bounce and vibrate at times, and I have looked over the edge (especially when south-bound) at the long drop that makes my knees tingle at the prospect, even before the recent and dramatic demonstration that bridges can fail.

Hearing that the Lafayette Bridge was considered to be in more immediate need of replacement than the (when it was still standing) Hwy. 35 bridge, I had to ask myself another question: “Do you feel lucky, punk?”

So today I took 35E to Ayd Mill Road and got onto Hwy. 94 east of Hwy. 280 where the congestion was really starting to back up. It took 45 minutes to get to my office, which is about what it’s been taking “normally” this summer with the effects of all the other road construction in the system keeping traffic clogged during a time of year that is usually pretty free-flowing due to significant parts of the workforce taking vacations any given week. I also have the choices of the Wabasha and Robert Street bridges (lovely bridges, but you have to crawl through downtown St. Paul to get to the highway).

I understand that “deficient” doesn’t mean “defective” and that in engineering terms the Lafayette Bridge is still considered adequate. The story I cited above also reports that the old Wabasha bridge had a “4” rating before it was ultimately closed and rebuilt in ’96, and that the Stillwater Lift Bridge has a 2.8 rating and people are still driving over it. I understand that there are bridges with lower ratings still being used. I also, however, understand that “fracture critical” means that the Lafayette Bridge, like the 35W bridge, has no safety redundancies if part of it starts to go.

You know, the scenery is really rather nice along Ayd Mill Road.

Update: Another story in the Strib today describes more concerns with the Lafayette Bridge, including an incident when a large crack in the main beam led to a 7″ dip in the roadway.

Connections

Wednesday I left my car at home to have the windshield replaced after the little bit of excitment I described on Tuesday. This meant I commuted in my wife’s car, which does not have a radio antenna. While I have used the Hwy. 35 bridge before to get in and out of downtown, my drive typically takes me through the University and I bypass the ramp leading to the span. This summer I’ve avoided this route altogether because of the construction related to the new Gopher stadium. Out of touch and out of the way, I didn’t hear about the collapse of the bridge until about 6:15 when I got home, switched cars and decided to go out to Culver’s for dinner before church. Hearing the news was an eerie recollection of getting the first reports on the morning of 9/11.

Just like then it was a brilliant, sunny day and I was driving and listening to the radio and just like then I had to scramble mentally to convert the unreal into reality. It wasn’t hard, however, to create a picture in my mind of the all-too-familiar bumper-to-bumper rush hour traffic on the span and the sickening sensation of having the roadway tremble and fall beneath you. Those were my first thoughts, and then I started to inventory my family and friends. I was obviously safely out of the area, and my wife and youngest weren’t even in the country. My oldest daughter would still be at work in Roseville and wouldn’t take that route home anyway, but might find unexpected disruptions, so I used my cell phone to call hers and leave a short message on what had happened and what to expect. Then I thought of my parents in Missouri and their penchant for keeping the tv on and I knew that this wasn’t going to be just a local story, so I tried but couldn’t reach my mom’s cell, and then got my brother on his. He lived here for several years and knew the bridge; I told him we were all accounted for and fine.

As I waited for my food at Culver’s I remembered that my friend Ben would be on the bus heading this way for church. He lives near the bridge but his bus route wouldn’t logically take him that direction. Still, best to make sure. I called him on his cell and started to feel some relief when he answered. I asked, “Are you on the bus?” He replied, “Yes, and it’s horrible…” as my heart started to thump.

“Why, what’s going on, where are you?” I said with what what may have sounded to him like unwarranted agitation.

“Oh…some people…can be so clueless and rude sometimes,” he began.

I quickly filled him in on what was going on and determined that he, too, was well clear of the area. Driving to church I thought of my friend Harvey who is a bridge inspector for MNDOT and mused about how busy he was going to be. Just as I pulled up to the building the radio announced that a MNDOT bridge inspection team had been working at the site when the bridge collapsed. Uh-oh. I trotted inside. Our pastor was speaking and people were already praying; our pastor’s wife met me in the back of the room. “Harvey was there, but he’s all right.” The congregation continued to pray. I ducked out a couple of times during the evening as my cell phone vibrated, people trying to get a hold of me. When I got home there was a message from my folks. They hadn’t been watching the news that evening, but my grandmother had. She had called them, they had called me.

The next day I tried to get in to work early because my job would put me in the middle of creating and distributing any communications that might need to go out to our employees or clients. Our offices are very near the bridge and many of my co-workers could have been on it as they tried to get home. Traffic was predictably slow Thursday morning, so I called in to my new employee as I made my way west to see if anything was buzzing yet. I was a little embarrassed by the relief in her voice when I got through; it hadn’t crossed my mind earlier to let her know I had gotten safely across the river the night before, and I hadn’t yet thought to give her all my contact numbers.

Once I was in the office I was again reminded of 9/11. Back then we had had a number of clients and business contacts in the WTC, and many of our own staff were flying on business that day, some of them on the East Coast. Everyone was trying to get information; spouses were calling in, asking for itineraries or to find out if we’d had any word, a constant crowd of people was gathered around the small black and white monitor in the conference room as we hoped for new information every five minutes. Thursday we’d all already seen the pictures and it was very quiet as people almost whispered their conversations between the cubicles or kept to themselves, waiting for news. Given our proximity, could we, would we, escape unscathed? I called HR and I called our communications team in the Atlanta headquarters. As yet there had still been no word of anyone from our campus being hurt or missing. We were, however, already receiving countless phone calls and emails from our clients around the country, offering their concern, support and prayers.

As the day went on it seemed more and more likely that we hadn’t lost anyone from our Division or from the Minneapolis campus, which in fact turned out to be the case. Remarkably, we had been unaffected. That is not to say that we were untouched.

Geez, Barry — can’t you take a joke?

I was driving home from the grocery store tonight when I sustained a frontal assault. Driving past the ballfields in West St. Paul I suddenly heard and felt a loud thump just as my vision immediately got very blurry.

There happened to be a guy sitting in the back seat along with the Mall Diva, and I thought at first that maybe Kevin had launched a preemptive strike on the poor boy. Once I pulled over and determined that everyone in the car was alright and that the reason I couldn’t see out the windshield was because of a series of concentric circles and cracks right in front of my face, I looked over and noticed several large guys standing in a nearby ballfield, studiously looking in the other direction.

I pulled into the parking lot and drove a ways over to the backstop where a large and rather sheepish looking guy was rubbing his head. “Heckuva poke,” I said, with some admiration.

“Thanks.”

“Got any insurance?”

“Uh, yeah.”

Fortunately he had all of his details with him and I got everything I needed.

I think I’m still going to have him tested for steroids, though.

Tonight on ESPN

I have this picture in my mind of Barry Bonds frantically peddling a racing bike through the French Alps as he’s chased by pit bulls, all while an NBA referee uses his cellphone to check the scores before deciding whether to call traveling or not.

There are so many crash and burns going on in sports right now you’d have to be a NASCAR fan to keep track of them all. This year in the Tour De France the yellow jersey isn’t given to the leader, but to the guy who collects the urine samples.

At least there the teams have the decency to shove their disgraced cheaters over a cliff. In San Francisco Giants fans embrace Barry Bonds — or they would if they could get their arms around head, that is. I’ve had my differences with MLB Commissioner Selig over the years (though I thought his son-in-law was a real nice guy when he was with the Twins and I worked for the Sports Commission), but I give Bud credit for not wanting to be anywhere near the stadium when Bonds breaks the record.

The only reason I would go would be for the chance to catch the record-breaking ball — so I could call a press conference the next day, use a big ol’ hypodermic needle to inject the ball with gasoline and then set it on fire. (Sure, I’d miss out on a lot of money, but on the plus side I’d never have to buy myself a drink for the rest of my life). I know, you can’t “prove” that Bonds is a juicer (though his post-career endorsement options may be limited to Hamilton Beach and the Waring Company) but who are you going to believe — Barry, or your own lying eyes?

I remember 30-some years ago when Hank Aaron was closing in on Babe Ruth’s record and how much hate mail he received from folks who didn’t like the idea of a black man breaking the mark. Those fears seem even more ridiculous today when a cheater is about to do it.

As for Michael Vick, I have no doubt the Feds put a lot of heat on his lower-level associates in order to bag him and I think he’s (justifiably) in serious trouble and in for serious jail-time…unless he now becomes the key to blowing the whole dog-fighting sub-culture in professional sports wide open by naming names. Somehow I just don’t think he’s the only young athlete with a lot of time and money on his hands and a taste for violence and gambling. I remember an article in Sports Illustrated a couple of years ago that focused on how a number of NFL players loved raising pitbulls. It was all positive on how much they loved these dogs, but now you’ve got to wonder.

If there’s anyone who’s got to be sweating about tips of icebergs, however, it’s Daniel Stern and the NBA. In a game who’s rules have always seemed rather whimsically officiated, the reactions I’ve seen to the fact that a referee will be indicted for fixing games has been less, “You stink!” and more, “Ya think?” No worries, though, Mr. Stern; Pro Wrestling is still packing them in and they’ve got the trifecta: steroids, mad dogs and pre-determined outcomes!

Cap’n Not-Very-Crunch

The Mall Diva and I went grocery shopping together Monday evening for our sustenance. Usually the Reverend Mother does this after first drawing up a very meticulous list; she doesn’t deviate from the list and prides herslef on getting in and out of Cub in less than an hour. The Mall Diva also created a list, which we followed, but I’m more of an impulse buyer. This explains the chocolate-flavored Cap’n Crunch cereal we (I) bought.

I’ll try just about anything once if it’s chocolate-flavored, so I poured my first portion of this breakfast confection this morning. It wasn’t bad, but as usual I can’t eat Cap’n Crunch without remembering a certain incident that happened 20 years ago. As it turns out, this incident wasn’t “about” 20 years ago — it was 20 years ago today.

I was working for an advertising and promotion agency in St. Louis Park and on that Thursday evening we managed to finish our Ad League co-ed softball game under ominous skies ahead of The Storm. I even got home before the highway flooded so I wasn’t greatly inconvenienced and none of my property was damaged. Things were a bit different at work, however.

The good news: we’d just recently landed a large account to promote Quaker Oats cereal in the institutional market. The bad news: the “product” didn’t come in cute boxes like in the grocery store, but in large plastic bags almost as big as me. Many bags of “product” had been delivered for a catalog photo-shoot and were waiting patiently in our cool, dry storeroom. A cool, dry storeroom that happened to be at the lowest corner of our building and was no longer very cool and definitely not very dry.

Picture, if you will, the image of several hundred pounds of Cap’n Crunch and other cereals swelling and bursting out of its containers and washing across the floor like a great, rising, golden wave of something that looked rather like hominy. Do you have a picture in your head? Great. Now, imagine the smell.

Fortunately I already had scheduled the day off from work, so I’m not sure how long it took others to shovel out the effluent blob of not-so-goodness. I do know that the scent lingered well into winter.