The NFL has released the following transcript of the phone call from an unknown tipster accusing Minnesota Vikings head coach Mike Tice of scalping Super Bowl tickets:

NFL: Hello, NFL Security Office, how may I help you?



Caller: Howdy! I mean, hi. Say, y’all know that head coach you’ve got up there in Minnesota?



NFL: Mike Tice, sir?



Caller: Yeah, that’s him. Well I can guaran-damn-tee you that old boy’s playing with the odometer, if you know what I mean, with his team’s Super Bowl tickets.



NFL: What do you mean, sir?



Caller: I mean he’s scalping those tickets and puttin’ the money in his saddlebags, that’s what I mean!



NFL: Why would a head coach want to do something like that, sir?



Caller: Because he’s paid diddly-sq… I mean, how should I know? He’s the criminal mastermind, not me. Say, you don’t suppose that something like this could be grounds for terminatin’ his contract, do you? You know, without having to pay fer it I mean?



NFL: We’ll look into it, sir. Could you give me your name so we can get back in touch with you?



Caller: It’s Re… I mean, you can call me “Deep Threat.”



NFL: Hmmm, didn’t you already trade that guy?



Caller: Oh, right. Well then, call me Tex. No, no, that’s not it…shootfire! Charlene, what’s that word when you don’t want anyone to know who you are? Animal what? Oh, right, right. I’m Anonymous.



Call ends.

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I admit that pointing out the liberal bias of the Minneapolis StarTribune and its columnists isn’t exactly the scoop of the year. One could even say this news is of the “dog bites man” variety, except the paper’s newest columnist would take the position that the man had it coming and the dog is a higher being that should consider running for public office.



The Strib has started featuring a weekly syndicated column in the Sunday Variety section by Dr. Michael W. Fox called “Ask the Doctor.” (I’ve noticed the column because it’s usually on the way to the Lileks jump page.) It’s a pretty standard looking advice column where each week letter-writers ask questions about pet care. Dr. Fox’s answers start off with a pet-centered response that then often veers off into global commentary. This last Sunday, for example, someone asked whether it’s a good idea to turn a pet into a vegetarian. The answer quickly swerved (to the left) to decry the environmental abuses and animal degradation brought about because humans tend to prefer a juicy steak or nice ham sandwich to a bowl of tofu.



Really, it’s almost as funny as Lileks and I wish I could cite more examples but the Strib doesn’t archive these columns. From what I’ve read in the past few weeks, however, I think some future columns could sound like this:

My dog, Brutus, has flunked out of obedience school three times now. What can I do? First, congratulations on being an involved guardian for your pet. Due to your commitment I’m sure the fault lies with our chronically underfunded obedience schools. Really, how can we expect our dogs to learn how to sit, stay and use a condom when we only commit 60% of our budget to education? We simply have to raise taxes.



My German Shepherd is constantly licking his paw to the point it’s almost raw. What is going on? What you describe is a classic stress reaction. And who wouldn’t be stressed given that we’ve got four more years of George Bush? Iraq’s a quagmire, we aren’t any safer, and I’ve heard that Bush wants to reinstitute drafting German Shepherds into the military police. I suggest giving your pet some herbal tea, trying aromatherapy, and contributing to Moveon.org.



I think my guinea pig is gay. Is there anything I can do? Why do you think you should “do” anything? Animals have been around longer than humans and have evolved to a higher level that doesn’t worry about who you share your pigloo with. It’s only your own ignorance that makes homosexuality appear anti-evolutionary, and you shouldn’t be so judgmental. Unless your guinea pig also has a White House press pass, of course.

While I couldn’t find other “Ask the Doctor” columns in the Strib online archive, I did find the original article introducing Dr. Fox to readers, which included the following:

“Animals are more finished than we are,” Fox wrote in his book “The Boundless Circle,” which is critical of our human-centered world view. “We are the unfinished animal. We are the newest mammal on the planet, and we have an awful lot of growing to do.”

Umm, so let’s see – we’re the youngest and, by inference, the dumbest animals on the planet – yet its fate is in our hands? Cool. But wait, let’s get a second opinion and ask one of the smartest mammals, and the King of Sea, what he thinks. Hey, Flipper – do you think Dr. Fox has it right?

“Eh-eh! Eh-eh! Eh-eh, eh-eh!”

Good boy! Here’s a fish! All of this does, however, give me an idea. See, my pet moonbat has stopped barking lately, and I want to write to the Dr. and see if I should have Mikey put down.

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OK, the Night Writer is a nice guy, but he worries too much about hurting people’s feelings. I, the Minfidel, agreed to post here from time to time on Minnesota issues because too much “Minnesota Nice” has seeped into NW and somebody’s got to be able to tell it like it is. Wimp. And that’s me, the Minfidel – a non-believer when it comes to the Minnesota legislature being God.



Anyway, Shot in the Dark posted earlier this month about the day he realized he was far from being the lone conservative blogger in Minnesota. He wondered why this state produces so many right-leaning blogs. Well, duh. I typed the first seven things that came into my head into his comment box. Now that I’ve elbowed my way onto this blog, I’d like to repeat those reasons, plus a few more now that I’ve had time to think. I was going to do a “Top 10” but that’s overdone. You see, mine goes to 11.



Reasons for Right Thinking MN Blogs:

1.Plagues. Minnesota is plagued by mosquitos and liberals. While slapping a mosquito brings some satisfaction, slapping a liberal gets you sent to Anger Management. Therefore we blog.

2. The need for an outlet. The StarTribune and Pioneer Press only publish one of our letters to the editor for every 8 or 10 from the left.

3. Familiarity breeds contempt. No one knows better that socialism doesn’t work than someone who has experienced it up close.

4. Perspective. Transplants such as myself know that Republicans in Minnesota sound like Democrats in at least 46 other states.

5. A target-rich environment. If you can’t find an example of mushy thinking or stubborn wrong-headedness every day, your body may have assumed room temperature (if it has, don’t worry, you can still vote in Washington State).

6. Size of Audience. Each year you can be fairly certain that at least 50% of Minnesota high school graduates are able to read.

7. Frustration. “Conservative” leaders here are often as elusive as our walleye – and put up about as much fight.

8. Hope. Hubert Humphrey ran the Communists out of the Democratic Party here once; maybe it can happen again.

9. Wildlife management. We love the sound of a loon calling across the lake, but not from the editorial offices of the Strib.

10. Because ice fishing isn’t as exciting as you might think.

11. Because it’s not Nice.



Think I’m joking? Further proof of #5 above appeared in Thursday’s Pioneer Press. Two groups from the religious left – Churches United in Ministry from the Duluth area and the Joint Religious Legislative Coalition – are planning to lobby the legislature to raise taxes for “social and economic justice,” saying that it would be “immoral” not to.

“Much has been made of moral values during and since the presidential election,” said the Rev. David Tryggestad of Duluth’s Concordia Lutheran Church. “One moral value that has not been talked about much is poverty and homelessness. As long as we live in a society that tolerates such monumental disregard for the least of these among us, we are an immoral society, regardless of what we might say about other moral issues.”

So, apparently, taking from others is the only “moral” solution. Let’s see, I think it is the seventh commandment that says “don’t steal” and the 10th that says “don’t covet,” but I’m not sure. Maybe this group could go look at the 10 Commandments monument in front of the Duluth City Hall and get back to me. Oops, too late for that.



I do know the fifth commandment is that “do not kill” one. Since they are concerned about “the least of these among us” I assume Churches United in Ministry and Joint Religious Legislative Coalition will next lobby the Legislature to stop abortion, although it doesn’t appear to be a priority on the JRLC web site.

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