On his last (stubby) legs

No, this isn’t a post about Strommie the would-be polygamist who may or may not be being hunted by Kevin, but about another member of the family — our failing guinea pig, Piggy-Wiggy.

He’s not eating which, given his normal appetite, is either a sign of the apocalypse or of ill health. He’s not taken a morsel for two days, even when enticed with succulent dandelion stems, the crispiest greenbeans or even his favorite treat — a Tic-Tac (the sound of a shaken plastic dispenser half-full of mints usually brings him storming eagerly to the bars of his cage). I suppose if eating your own excrement was a regular part of your diet you might look forward to a Tic-Tac or two as well.

Don’t misunderstand — this has been a well-fed piggy-wiggy. He recently finished chewing his way through an entire bale of Timothy Hay, and the Reverend Mother has always prepared him a lovely breakfast salad of fresh greens and cucumber, meanwhile our yard has never wanted for dandelions, which I think he liked because the little fuzzy seeds tickled his nose.

He’s at least seven years old, which we’ve learned is a ripe old age for a guinea pig. We’ve had him for four years or so, and rescued him from a home with heavy smokers. The white parts of his fur were yellow when we got him and it took a couple of shampoos to restore his natural tones. He was especially lethargic this morning, which the Reverend Mother noticed and reported to the girls, along with the warning to prepare themselves. The Mall Diva and Tiger Lilly were distraught, and took turns sitting with him in their laps for over an hour this morning, working their way through a box of Kleenex in much the same way he used to work his way through a bag of baby carrots.

He’s always been a paranoid guinea pig, convinced that everything wanted to eat him, dashing into his plastic pigloo at the slightest disturbance and acting as if a warm bath was in reality some kind of sinister marinade. This may have been hard-wired into his genes. My sister-in-law, who is from Ecuador, was bemused to find we had a guinea pig for a pet. She said her grandmother, who raised guinea pigs, would have thought we were as strange as someone who kept, say, a rooster for a pet. That’s because her grandmother raised GPs for food, not companionship.

This morning, however, our pig seemed resigned and rested quietly with the girls, making an occasional grunt of contentment as they stroked his fur. They eventually had to put him back in his cage as they prepared for their expedition today, and I’ve been monitoring him since then; this is more of a hospice, not a hospital — I’ll be sure he’s as comfortable as can be, but there’ll be no heroic life-preserving interventions.

Then again, he might just pull out of it, declare that he’s feeling better and that he thinks he’ll go for a walk. If he should, however, expire today it will be an odd Memorial Day coincidence to go along with our last cat dying on Valentine’s Day earlier this year.

I’ll leave it to the Diva or Tiger Lilly to provide updates, if they’re able. No one likes to see his children cry, and I feel sadder for them than for Piggy-Wiggy, who – face it – has had a good run. Right now I’m reminded of a poem I came across and saved a couple of years ago right about the time our hamster took his last spin around the exercise wheel.

Forty-One, Alone, No Gerbil
In the strange quiet, I realize
there’s no one else in the house.
No bucktooth mouth pulls at a stainless-steel teat, no
hairy mammal runs on a treadmill—
Charlie is dead, the last of our children’s half-children.
When our daughter found him lying in the shavings,
trans-mogrified backwards from a living body into a bolt of rodent bread
she turned her back on early motherhood
and went on single, with nothing. Crackers, Fluffy, Pretzel, Biscuit, Charlie,
buried on the old farm we bought
where she could know nature. Well, now she knows it and it sucks.
Creatures she loved, mobile and needy, have gone down stiff and indifferent,
she will not adopt again
though she cannot have children yet,
her body like a blueprint
of the understructure for a woman’s body,
so now everything stops for a while,
now I must wait many years
to hear in this house again the faint
powerful call of a young animal.
by Sharon Olds, from The Wellspring © Alfred A. Knopf.

Update:

Our beloved Piggy-wiggy died last night after a few seizures. I miss him so much right now. I feel really bad that he had to die alone in the dark. He was my baby, and if love could have saved him, he would have lived forever. Same goes for the cat.
TL.

Rackin’ the bats

File this under “Game Called On Account of Life”: Batgirl is taking her blog and going home. Having recently moved out of state and given birth to future Twins star Dash, the demands of a long-distance love affair with her Boyfriends of the Day™ and child-rearing meant the blog was out of options.

I suppose every winning streak has to end sometime but I’ll miss the often surrealistic game recaps and and passion for pluck. Count me among the fans standing and applauding, calling for Batgirl and her contributors to step back out of the dugout for a nod and a wave.

Going, going…gone!

Novella

“Finishing a book is just like you took a child out in the yard and shot it.”
— Truman Capote

I don’t have the experience, yet, of being an author finishing a book so I don’t know if Capote’s words are apt. It seems to me the writing-publishing experience is more like being a parent and having a child leave the nest. As the parent of a soon to be 19-year-old still in the nest but beginning to make her own way I marvel at how what I’ve “created” has taken on a life of her own; how the countless hours spent shaping and imagining and agonizing over just the right word has inspired dialogue with subtleties, nuances and complexities I never realized were possible, and how a true character has emerged fully-formed and bursting to go forth.

For years this book was mainly blank pages; pages that consumed my life and were never far from my thoughts no matter what else I happened to be doing. Day by day those pages were filled, and while there are things I’d like to go back and rewrite there’s no guarantee that the story would be even better than it is now; even so I wrestle with the temptation/obsession to continue to tweak and polish.

Will anyone else understand the humor of page 112, or appreciate how difficult it was to write Chapter 19? Certainly not at the level I do, but that knowledge is for my own book, the one written on my heart. Now, though, it is time to see this through; to be proud to see all the time, work and love realized in a tangible package; to admire not just the cover but the spine; to breathe deep the aroma of the fresh pages and the glue that holds them together.

It is good.

The Love Bug?

I knew there were such things as gay bars, but I didn’t know there were gay cars until I read an article that today’s Strib reprinted from the New York Times. Apparently certain cars are “known” to be vehicles of choice for gays: Subaru Outbacks for lesbians, for example, and Mazda Miatas and Volkswagon Bugs (among others) for the guys. Let me tell you, it certainly made me rethink the Disney movie classic “The Love Bug”! Do you think all along Herbie always had a thing for Dean Jones and not Michele Lee? Could the number “53” be some kind of code, maybe kind of like driving with just your left fog lamp on?

It just never occurred to me that a type of car could be “gay”, though there’s no doubt that we have long bought and marketed vehicles because of the kind of image they project, from “muscle” cars to minivans. Certainly there’s a kind of manly brawniness with some trucks and SUVs — perhaps someone is just overcompensating? Frankly, I would have been mystified that a certain look or certain features could be construed as gay — though I must admit that the new Dodge Nitro does look rather “butch.” I mean, what would you look for in a “gay” car: a liftback? Four-on-the-floor? A car that pulls to the left? A pick-up? And just what does the “PT” stand for in a PT Cruiser?

Let’s not even think about what a leather interior suggests! (Well, okay: Grand Marquis de Sade?)

Is this true for other lifestyles as well? Do certain vehicles have certain connotations? I suppose minivans are universally recognized and mocked for being the vehicles of choice for soccer moms, and there’s something about a Corvette that screams “mid-life crisis”, but if you see someone driving a Golf, would they necessarily have to be a golfer? Do all Prius’s come with a Wellstone! sticker as standard equipment? Do all bloggers have “Star Fleet Academy” lettering on the back window?

Is there such a thing as a “Christian” car? I know Dodge used to make a certain mid-sized car that I once thought might be kind of funny to own, if only so I could say, “Ok, kids — let’s get in the Spirit and drive to church!”

And please, somebody tell me: what were you thinking when you bought a Ford Probe?

Well, yes as a matter of fact…

The new bird, Chiquita, is starting to adapt to her new environs. She’s sharing a cage with the other bird and chirping and whistling. The one thing she hasn’t quite accepted is that I’m not going to eat her. I walk past the cage and she immediately flits to the farthest corner away from me in a panic.

So I said to her, “What’s the matter, bird — ya yellow?

Time for Reid to cut and run?

Senate halts Iraq pullout, cash cutoff
By S.A. Miller
THE WASHINGTON TIMES
May 17, 2007

The Senate yesterday overwhelmingly rejected a bid to pull out troops from Iraq and cut off funds for combat, a bruising defeat for Majority Leader Harry Reid that highlights the Democratic split over how far to go in opposing the war.

The amendment, which was co-sponsored by Mr. Reid, Nevada Democrat, died in a 67-29 procedural vote, with 47 Republicans, 19 Democrats and one independent blocking the plan to start a troop withdrawal in 120 days and cut off funds March 31 to most military operations in Iraq.

“We don’t want to send the message to the troops” that they lost the backing of Congress, said Sen. Carl Levin of Michigan, chairman of the Armed Services Committee and one of several key Democrats to defect. “We’re going to support those troops.”

Only 29 votes to cut-off funding and withdraw from Iraq? And didn’t the latest polls show the approval rating of the Democratic-controlled Congress at 29% – even lower than the approval rating for George Bush?

Senator Reid, it is time to admit that the rebels have won, whether they be insurgents, resurgents or those just plain looking for detergents to protect their election chances. Oh, I know you were led to believe that the Congress would welcome you with hearts and flowers when you you thought you had accomplished your mission after the 2006 elections, but you have squandered your technical, numerical and moral superiority. In fact, sir, it has clearly become a quagmire of your own devising. It is time for you to support our troops by withdrawing from your failed policies.

Our trip to the toplesstapas bar

Saturday night the Reverend Mother and I found ourselves kid-free so we decided to go let it all hang out at our favorite tapas bar. Trust me, we usually get funny looks when we actually say that as opposed to typing it out.

Tapas are small plates of hot or cold Spanish appetizers that you typically order in a series. We like Solera in downtown Minneapolis because the tapas are a creative treat both in flavor and in presentation. While portions are small they are packed with flavor and interesting combinations of meats, vegetables and spices. Generally you choose several from the menu and they are delivered one or two at a time so you can fully appreciate each plate. One time when my wife and I went there we played a little game: she took the cold menu and I took the hot and then we’d each order something without telling the other what was coming. We went three or four rounds like that, sharing each dish as it came and deciding who had made the best choice (believe me, there were no losers).

We didn’t get the inspiration to go to Solera this time until late in the day so when we called there was no way to get a table in the restaurant. But, we were told, there was plenty of non-reserved seating on the rooftop patio. Since it was a very pleasant evening we decided to leave our cozy little suburb to go downtown and dine al fresco. Of course, you’ve first got to change clothes to go downtown, especially on Saturday night. I don’t have much that will pass for urban cool, but I put on some khakis, a blue silk camp shirt (untucked, natch) and my Margaritaville loafers — sans socks! The Mall Diva had given me some “Joe” pomade for the new ‘do but I already had a stylish head of hat-hair going on from mowing the lawn earlier in the day and I didn’t want to become too irresistible since the restaurant is directly across the street from The Amsterdam Hotel, the mecca of gay hospitality in Minneapolis (perhaps “Mecca” and “gay” shouldn’t be linked like that). The Reverend Mother did her part to save some souls, wearing those snug jeans I like that could make Elton John look twice. Also, since it was less than 85 degrees, she wore a jacket.

When we got up to the patio there were only a few tables already occupied so we had no trouble finding a place to sit. Despite being on the roof the view isn’t much to write about, but I will anyway. The four or five foot wall blocks any sight-lines to the street if you’re sitting down, but you can see the top of the Target Center, a parking ramp, some duct-work for the restaurant and the big white screen on the patio where Solera shows movies after dark. You also can’t see the two-story billboard for the Amsterdam that features four cute guys cuddling; I guess it’s up to you whether that’s a positive or a negative. Regardless, it ain’t Applebee’s.

We decided on the $25 “Tapas for Two” combination from the menu; six different appetizers thoughtfully portioned into even numbers so that you don’t have that awkward, “No, dear, you take the last shrimp” moment. The first plate was some barbequed potatoes, very tasty and tangy. Then our black-clad waitress brought us some small grilled sausages and grilled chicken strips in a green chipotle sauce, all on skewers and served on a bed of rice with raisins and mint. The chicken was especially delicious; I told my wife that the chicken was too spicy for her and she wouldn’t like it, but somehow she was onto me and didn’t fall for it. Next up was a plate of lightly-battered, skewered shrimp the size of small bananas and a bowl of what I think was either acini or risoni pasta and cucumber in a minty sauce. I’m not much of a cucumber fan, but I surprised my wife by eating and enjoying this as well.

I looked around right about then and saw a waitress bringing a plate of what looked like miniature hamburgers to another table. “Oooh, those look good,” I remarked to my wife, so I was delighted when our waitress appeared with a similar plate as part of our course. These were actually chorizo sausage patties with a nice cut of roasted red pepper on top, served on mini-buns. Very tasty indeed, and my puppy-eyes prevailed on my wife to give up half of her sandwich, for which I ceded the remainder of the cous-cous and cucumber dish. The finale was a plate of seared tuna slices. They looked rather raw in the middle, but smelled and tasted great and we’ve since had no ill effects.

We were too full for dessert, but still had a fun evening of great food and better companionship. If you’re looking for something to spice up your dining out experience, go “tapas”!

My apologies…

…to the person who ran the red light right in front of me at the Hennepin and Central Avenues intersection at 6:08 p.m. last night. I regret if the prolonged honking of my horn made it hard to hear whoever it was you were talking to on your cell phone or otherwise distracted you from the task at hand.

My best round ever

I love golf and have certain positive (and selective) memories I like to share with others. What I’m about to relate, however, details one outing where I never took a swing or even saw a club swung.

I was fully intending to play, however, when I drove out to Minneapolis’ F.A. Gross public course a few years ago to play in my company league. I wheeled my pullcart and clubs up to the clubhouse door and went inside to pay my greens fee and change into a pair of shorts. It took me five minutes, max. When I came outside my clubs were gone. Since it was a company league, I looked around to see if one of my “friends” might be playing a joke on me. There was no one I recognized or who even seemed to be paying attention to me. Certainly, if you were playing a prank on someone, you’d want to be where you could see the look on that person’s face, right? After double-checking the immediate area to be sure my clubs hadn’t been moved out of the way I went back inside and asked the guy at the counter and the ranger standing nearby if anyone had found it necessary to move my clubs.

The guy at the counter said that none of the staff would have moved my clubs, but suggested that someone might have taken them and he asked the ranger to drive me through the parking lot to see if we could spot the clubs or anything suspicious. We jumped into a golf cart and began a circuit through the lot.

I had a strange feeling as we patrolled; normally I might be more than a touch upset by the situation, especially since I had just bought new irons a few weeks before that and I knew my wife, The Finance Minister, was unlikely to authorize another disbursement of that sort. Instead, I felt calm and had a little talk with God. My point, essentially, was that He knew I tithed and that I expected him to kind of keep an eye on my things and finances. I stayed calm and when the parking lot search turned up nothing I headed back to the clubhouse where a thought came to me: if my clubs were stolen it certainly wouldn’t be because another golfer coveted them (new irons or not); therefore the culprit’s objective would be to sell the clubs. I believe that if I had let myself get angry my blood would have been pounding so hard in my head that I wouldn’t have heard that little thought, or wouldn’t have paid attention to it until much later.

I didn’t have a cell phone then (and if I did, it probably would have been in my golf bag anyway), so I got a bunch of change at the counter and went over to the pay phone and Yellow Pages and started calling atll the Play It Again Sports and SecondSwing stores in the metro (after I called the police, that is). I started with the ones closest to the golf course and worked out to the ‘burbs in case the thief was clever enough to try to put some distance between the scene and the sale. With each call I described my clubs and golf bag in detail and then moved on to the next store on the list.

After about 30 minutes of this I was talking to a store out in Burnsville when a police officer walked into the clubhouse and was pointed in my direction. He approached and I hung up. “You might want to hear this, ” he said, pointing toward the radio on his belt. He spoke into his microphone and said, “I’m with the guy now.”

Someone on the other end of the radio said, “Ok. The suspects are still in the store. We’ve got a unit out back, and we’re about to pull up in front and hit the lights.” A few minutes later we got another word: “We’ve got ’em. You want to bring the guy over to identify the items?”

Great! I got to ride in the police car (front seat) over to the Play It Again store in Roseville, the closest such store to the golf course and the first place I had called. Apparently the thief and his buddy had stopped off to pick up a girlfriend and then went to the nearest Play It Again (no one has ever suggested thieves are smart). In the interim the manager had received my call, took my club description and probably thought to himself, “Fat chance.” Lo and behold, a few minutes later these three teenagers had come into the store wanting to sell a set of golf clubs. The manager later told me his heart started pounding when he saw the bag (a distinctive one).

He decided to stall the kids, so he said he had to go look up the putter in his books to determine it’s value. He went back to his office and once out of sight had someone on his staff call the police. He then went back out and started vigorously negotiating with the kids, club by club, trying to stall. He was wondering where the police were and concerned that the kids would get frustrated and leave, when a squad car pulled up to the front door.

When I arrived on the scene the kids were sitting in separate squad cars and my golf bag and clubs were laid out on the asphalt parking lot, along with everything else that was in the suspects’ car. One of the cops was taking inventory and needed me to help place a value on everything. He pointed to my driver; “What’s that worth?” A few negative thoughts came to my mind, but I said, “Hard to say. My brother built that for me.”

“Oh,” said the officer. “Custom-made. That’s gotta be $300 at least!” On we went through the contents. We got to the putter. “Now that,” I said, “Is a known offender. Better take it in for questioning.”

“Yeah,” the cop said. “I had one like that.”

When all was said and done I got my clubs back on the spot and had a chance to talk to the store manager and the officers from St. Anthony (where the theft occurred) and Roseville (where the arrest was made). Everyone, even the police, was charged up about being in on busting a case. I then got to ride in the police car again back to golf course, where it was much too late to get my round in. I went back to the Play It Again and bought pizza for the crew. (The criminal masterminds were all under 18 and were later shunted into an “alernative justice” program).

When I got home my wife asked how everything went. “Great,” I said, “Wait until you hear this….”