Bwa-ha-ha-haaaa! I’m it!

I’ve been tagged by Amanda at Within the Discord (an awesome new blog, btw. I’m so happy to have another girl on board!) with this meme: 7 things that most people don’t know about me.

I think I’ll change it up a little, though: 7 things that may or may not be true that most people don’t know about me. Heehee! Have fun guessing what’s what!

1. I used to have two black kittens. Their names were Glory and Hallelujah.

2. I talk in my sleep. One incident involved me telling my mother that I needed nine thousand dollars. I was probably five.

3. This past year I got a tattoo of a scripture from the Bible. On the bottom of my right foot it says “Whither thou goest,”, and on the bottom of my left foot it says “I will go”. It’s super cool. It hurt like crazy, though.

4. I love football.

5. Clowns scare me.

6. Right now I’m taking a break from writing a script to do this meme. Betcha didn’t know that I’m a scriptwriter, did you? Come to our Christmas program!

7. I’m a musical prodigy.

Let’s see; I tag Kevi-Wevi, Princess FlickerFeather, and Tiger Lilly.

Of hot stoves and warm good-byes

Torii Hunter is gone and Johan Santana’s bags, while they aren’t packed, have been brought up from the basement. As a Twins fan I should be sad but, while I’ll miss the lads, I think the Twins are doing the right thing. The market is speaking and you don’t have to be clairvoyant to get the message. The Twins have no business paying the kind of money these players can command – not now, and not even three years from now when the new stadium opens.

This is not a case of large market vs. small market. At least, not in any way that implies there’s a kind of balance between the number of teams on each side of that equation. This is huge market vs. everyone else and there are only a couple of teams that can handle the kind of dollars we’re talking about. Without going to Forbes magazine, or looking up TV contracts, I’d hazard that less than a handful of teams have the revenue to pay top dollar and beyond that has been established for the elite players.

Think of it, before last season the Red Sox paid some $52 million to Dice-K’s Japanese League team just to get the young man out of his contract; after that they still had to pay him another $50 mil or so. There were teams last year who’s entire payroll didn’t approach $50 million. I’d like to think someone in Massachusetts rubbed his neck pretty hard before writing those checks, but the Red Sox did win the World Series. Ask their accountants, not me, if it was worth it.

And ask the Yankees front office now if they’d wished they’d gone a little higher in the bidding.

The Night Hens are at it again.

The Reverend Mother (RM), Mall Diva (MD) and Tiger Lilly (TL) are live-blogging another out-for-coffee expedition.

In the car:
MD: You’re cute, Patience.
TL: Thanks, you’re cute, too.
RM gazes at her daughter in the rear view mirror (menacingly, according to TL)
TL: Oh, okay, mom, you’re cute, too.
RM: Thanks.

At Panera in Eagan:
MD: Is it yummy?
RM nods.
RM: What’s in that bag?
MD: That pineapple thing.
MD: I love lemon poppyseed bundt cake. I hope I don’t have a drug test this afternoon.
RM: The bump, I mean bundt, cake isn’t as good as the pumpkin muffie.
RM: That guy behind you is on his laptop while his wife knits.
MD: Yep, that’ll be me and my husband someday.
RM: He’ll be knitting?
MD: Totally! I can’t knit.
TL: Argh! I’m having thumb cramps again! I almost killed a man with this thumb!
RM: You have crumbs all over you. You’re crummy!
TL: Thanks, mom.
RM: I woke up in a bad mood this morning…
TL: You woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
RM: No, I woke up on the right side of the bed.
MD: Nuh-uh! You woke up on the left side of the bed!
TL: So what happened when you got up on the wrong side of the bed?
RM: That’s what I need you guys to help me remember. What do you think I had you for?
TL: I don’t know! I was under the impression that you didn’t want us! …So, are you out of your bad mood yet?
RM: He** no, leave me alone!
MD & TL: *Gaaaasp!!!!*
MD: I need another cup of coffee.
RM: I need another pair of blue jeans.
TL: I need a video camera.
RM: I don’t think a video camera is a need.
TL: Yeah it is!
RM: It’s a luxury.
MD: My need is the most easily fulfilled.
RM: Coffee?
MD nods
TL: Not after I break your cup.
MD: That would be stupid.
TL: I think a scar in the eyebrow is the most dashing kind of scar.
RM: Where did that word “dashing” come from? It must be ‘cuz they dash about town.

The conversation deteriorates to ladies’ men and hunter-gatherers and how they differ…

MD goes to get more coffee. When she comes back RM and TL are giggling uncontrollably.

MD: What are you laughing at? I don’t trust you.
RM reading what had been written.
RM: This is so dumb!
RM: You know, I don’t feel like Christmas shopping this year, you guys.
MD: So? It doesn’t matter how you feel!
TL: Coal for you, Faith!
RM: Yeah…that coal is starting to look better and better!
MD: Noooo!
TL: Well, you get enough of it and you can make diamonds! Take a 10,000 lb weight and crush the coal with it!
RM: No, I don’t think that’s how diamonds are made. I think they just made that up because of a lack of information. I believe that God made all the diamonds and put them where they are.
TL: In rings?
RM: No!! In the ground!
RM is looking at a hair that was stuck to TL.
RM: Where did this come from? Its not one of yours! It’s black!
TL: Don’t you remember when MD dyed my hair black?
RM: Well, when was that? It has to have been 2 years, it’s all grown out.
MD: Yup, it was when I was in beauty school. ’05. Two years.
TL: Wow. Faith is gettin’ old.
RM: Yeah! She’s going to be 20!
TL looks horrified.
TL: She’s going to have wrinkles!
TL: So how’s that bad mood coming along?
RM: What?
TL: That bad mood.
RM gazes into the middle distance.
MD: I wanted to tell you something. This won’t be interesting to people.
[…..
…..
…..]

RM laughs

[Crashing sound in the kitchen.]

TL: That wasn’t very much of a crash. That was more of a clang.
MD: A crash is more like something broke.
TL: Like if I dropped your cup. I have this vendetta aginst your coffee cup, I don’t know why.
MD: Maybe my cup has a vendetta against you. You better watch your butt, man.
TL: Dude! There is no way a guy can watch his own butt.
(What movie is that from?)

RM: So, what do you want for Christmas?
MD: Shoes! And purses! And diamonds are a girl’s best friend!!!
RM: Tell me things that are less than 30 dollars.
Silence ensues.

END

Happy birthday, Jack

Today’s the birthday of the great writer, teacher and Christian apologist C. S. Lewis, born in Belfast, Ireland in 1898. Coincidentally, it is also the day nineteen years later that he arrived at a trench in the front lines of World War I.

I noticed both of these details at the bottom of the page this morning as I did my daily read from A Year With C.S. Lewis: Daily Readings From His Classic Works. I gave the book to myself about this time last year and started the schedule on January 1. It’s almost a sad feeling to realize that I’m nearly finished.

The book consists of daily, one page (often only a paragraph or two) excerpts from Lewis’s impressive body of work, mainly from Mere Christianity, The Great Divorce, The Problem of Pain, A Grief Observed, The Weight of Glory and The Screwtape Letters and others. Often several days in a row would center around a common theme. It’s been a fascinating and thought-provoking experience as I’ve come to see new things in works that I already thought I “knew.” Some of the excerpts from A Grief Observed and The Problem of Pain have been especially timely and comforting over the past several months as my father’s health worsened (funny how I “just happened” to get this book when I did). Little biographical details related to each day are also featured, and it’s been kind of a Tarantino-like experience to track the events in Lewis’s life in this manner when the days are in sequence but the years are not.

This book would be a great gift for the reader and thinker in your family who is often pressed for time. I will echo one of Lewis’s warnings, however:

“A young man who wishes to remain a sound atheist cannot be too careful of his reading.”

The Very Best Christmas Pageant EVER!

I know I’ve been quite absent from the ‘sphere as of late, but I have a good reason!! Here it is:

So Princess FlickerFeather had this idea at the end of the summer for a Christmas program, and asked me if I would help make it happen. Of course I agreed, her being my dear friend and all. How hard could it be?

We had our first meeting toward the end of September. We had a hard time even knowing where to start, so I finaly said “OK! What is the one thing that we know for sure?” That one thing happened to be the date we were told the performance was to be. Alright! A lot to do, and enough time to do it if we are diligent.

The creative juices started flowing. We went through the ideas that she had, and have since been working endlessly to get everything together, and practicing two, even three times a week! If one of my parents asks “What are you doing tonight?” or “Hey! Where are you going?”, the answer is always “Practice! What do you think?”

We’ve worked hard, the cast has worked hard, and everyone else involved has worked hard to bring this thing to fruition. Now its pay-off time!!! And we want you to come and enjoy the results of our toil. There will be singing, dancing, lots of laughs, and even cookies!!! Here’s the D.L. :

What: Eclectica: A Christmas Program
(Directed and emceed by the Princess and yours truly)

Where: The Miracle Centre Church
125 21st Ave. S., S. St. Paul, MN 55075

When: December 16th at 6 p.m.
Cookies and other yummy desserty things to follow!!

This is your official invitation. Be there or be a shape with four corners!! Any questions, leave them in the comments section or shoot me an email. Look! We even have a logo that kicks butt! Thanks Mr. Tommy!

Eclectica: A Christmas Program

Season’s Bleatings

I saw in the paper today that a new Christmas special is debuting tonight featuring everyone’s favorite ogre (next to me, that is): Shrek the Halls. This will be followed by the classic How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Between Shrek and the Grinch we must be dreaming of a Green Christmas. Talk about your tidings of joy!

Of course, not many of the “Christmas” specials really want to get into just what those tidings might truly be. Which means it’s time for my own personal Christmas re-run of a post I wrote a few years ago and ritually reproduced here along about this time every year. At least my re-run comes to you without commercial interruption. That is not to say, however, that it doesn’t have a Sponsor.

The True Meaning of Christmas Specials

Perhaps I was like Scrooge seeing Marley’s face on his door knocker, but I’m almost certain that when I watched the Charlie Brown Christmas special I heard Linus stand on stage and say:

And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree to render unto Caesar, and that all the world should shop and pay sales tax, and all went to be taxed, everyone into his own mall. And Joseph also went up from Shakopee, into Bloomington, unto the Mall of America, (which is called MOA) because he was an American, to shop with his wife Mary, they being great with debt. And so it was, that, while they were there, the items were purchased that needed to be delivered, and they brought forth their credit card, wrapped in promises to pay and laid it on the counter because there was no money in their checking account.

And there was in the same country stewards, abiding in their homes, keeping watch over their televisions by night. And lo, the commercials from Mammon came upon them and the glory of the goods shown round about them and they were sore afraid they would miss a good deal. And the commercial said unto them, “Fear not, for behold I bring you great tidings of a good economy, which shall be to all who do their part. For unto you is laid out this day, in a store near you, all manner of precious items, and this shall be a sign unto you: 40% off.” And suddenly there was within the commercial a multitude of friends and family praising their gifts and saying “Glory to the Giver with the highest credit card balance, and on earth peace, good will toward all, just $29.95.”

And it came to pass that I kept all these things and pondered them in my heart.

Fear not, for this is not going to be a complaint on how commercial Christmas has become. Frankly, those complaints have become as traditional and meaningless to most people as holly and ivy (if you don’t know what these represent, look it up). Complaining about how the true meaning of Christmas is being ignored, without actually dwelling on this meaning, is merely spiritual lip service; kind of like singing “Gloria In Excelsis Deo,” without knowing what it means. For me the issue is not that commercialism obscures the meaning of Christmas, but the cultural camouflage that diverts attention. As a case in point, let’s look at the Christmas specials we watch with our families.

Despite my parody of the Linus speech earlier, the Charlie Brown Christmas special is a classic and a true Christmas special because it is one of the few that deals specifically with the birth of Christ. “The Little Drummer Boy” is another old one and favorite of mine that also does this, while the Veggie Tales “The Toy That Saved Christmas” is the highlight of the new generation. Many so-called Christmas specials, however, purport to be about finding the true meaning of Christmas, but where is the Christ in “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer,” “How the Grinch Stole Christmas,” “It’s a Wonderful Life” or “A Christmas Story”? Watch these and most other shows and you’ll get the message that you can be what you want to be and you should do kind things for others, and that Bumbles bounce. Nice shows and nice sentiments all, but while Jesus would exhort us to be “nice” it isn’t why he came. Don’t forget that “for unto you is born this day in the city of Bethlehem a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.”

Enjoy the shows with your family, but look for ways to highlight fundamental Christian concepts within the programs, even if these messages appear unintentional. Since everything will ultimately prove the word of God true, teachable moments are everywhere if we are alert to them. The classic movie “Miracle on 34th Street,” for example, really focuses on the importance of faith, at one point virtually reciting Hebrews 11:1 and 11:5-6. Don’t miss the opportunity to call this to your children’s’ attention. I once sat open-mouthed (but not slack-jawed) watching the SpongeBob Squarepants Christmas program for the first time. The story is that SpongeBob has never heard of Santa Claus until his friend Sandy fills him in. SpongeBob get so excited that he stands on a street corner proclaiming the good news to everyone (no one else has heard of Santa either) about how kind Santa is and about all the gifts he will bring. Soon, everyone is shouting, “We love Santa!” I turned to my daughter and said, “SpongeBob is an evangelist!”

Of course, SpongeBob is focusing on all the benefits that Santa brings, which is also a failing of modern evangelism. People are exhorted to “try” Jesus for all the blessings that will be added to their lives but if these don’t show up right away (or don’t show up in the way people expect) they get disillusioned, even bitter. This, too, happens in the SpongeBob Christmas show. We lose sight of the fact that the first benefit of the salvation we receive from believing in Christ is not in getting what we deserve, but in avoiding what we deserve.

A good story for illustrating this concept can be Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol.” You may think you know the story of Ebenezer (there’s a Biblical name) Scrooge, but look at it as a parable. Scrooge is greedy and cruel and oblivious to his iniquity. He doesn’t heed warnings to change, but because of another’s desire for him to avoid his fate, he is visited by spirits that convince and convict him of his sins and show him what is in store for him. In horror he repents and asks for forgiveness, vowing to change. He’s not concerned about the benefits of a new way of life; he just wants to escape the fruit of the old way. Waking the next morning and realizing his opportunity he says “Thank you (Holy Spirit) Spirits!” and is ever after known as “a man who kept Christmas (Jesus) in his heart.” (By the way, I happen to think the George C. Scott “Christmas Carol” is the best, but I’ll always have a soft spot for Mr. Magoo as well).

I’m sure there are many more examples in Christmas programs that I’ve left out but that have occurred to you. I’d love to hear what message or blessing you and your family get out of different Christmas shows, so feel free to leave a comment. Just don’t shoot your eye out!

Merry Christmas, my friends, and to your families!

It’s the cows

Be on the lookout for signs of a rebellion.

No, it’s not the terrorists (not the ones you’d expect, anyway) …

No, it’s not teenagers…

It’s the COWS!!!!

Yes, you read that right. I’ve made two long car trips in the last few weeks, through the heart of America’s farmlands, and I tell you there’s something suspicious about all the cows. They are plotting to take over the world. Sure, they LOOK all innocent when you’re driving through the country. But before they hear your car coming, they’re talking in conspiratorial whispers, scheming up ways for world domination!

First, they lull us into a false sense of security. Then, they prey on our other sources of food (did you read about that cow who kept eating chickens?)

Third, they send out their NINJA COWS!!! These cows have training specially for stealth. And they’re always the black ones. Never put a black cow at your back. You think everything’s just fine, and then BAM! You’re on the ground.

Ever notice how cows are usually grouped together, with a few loners? Well, the groups are the conspirators, and the loners are the look-outs. As soon as they hear a car driving by, or someone walking up, they give their secret code and tell everyone to ‘look beefy.’ That’s why all you ever see cows do is eat grass.

Beware the groups of twos and threes. They plot while looking natural. While we were driving home from Missouri, we saw a cow line-up. Seriously. The cows were all in a line on a distant hill. Probably doing a drill or something.

Ways to keep your house cow proof:

  • Set up a large fence with sentry posts. With any luck, if the cows come a-callin’, you’ll get a meal out of the invasion. Mmm… steak.
  • Set up rows of chickens armed with eggs. I’m sure they’ll want to get back at the cows for eating them.
  • Don’t allow groupings of more than two cows in your yard at a time. That should slow them down.
  • Pay spy cows to go into the field and listen in on the cow plans. You might also want to get a moo interpreter.

My dad thinks the government sent deer in to spy on the cows (you can’t trust the cows to do it), but the cows caught on. That’s why we saw so many dead deer on the road last week. Almost all of them were near a field of cows. Black cows. Makes you think.

But here I’ve warned you. You may think I’m crazy, to which I say:

Well, DUH!

But don’t come cryin’ to me when your home is invaded by these four legged tasty conspirators. That’s your problem.

The sheep and hawks are in on it, too.

Ciao (no, literally, chow) for now!

“Their Way” on the highway

We all piled into the car last week for the long drive to grandmother’s house for the holiday. Along the way we listened to a lot of the Mall Diva’s CD collection and a couple of my “oldies”. On one of the old CDs was a family favorite we’d almost forgotten, a parody of Sinatra’s “My Way” song, set in academia and entitled, “Their Way” (the Diva really likes Sinatra, by the way).

The song was done by a group called Bright Morning Star and is very funny, perhaps because it’s so close to reality (which makes it scary, too). Here are the lyrics; again, to the tune of “My Way”:

I came, I bought the books, lived in the dorms, followed directions.
I worked, I studied hard, made lots of friends who had connections.
I crammed, they gave me grades — and may I say not in a fair way.
But more, much more than this, I did it Their Way.

I learned so many things even though I’ll never use them.
The courses that I took were all required — I didn’t choose them.
You’ll find that to survive it’s best to play the doctrinaire way
And so I knuckled down and did it Their Way.

Yes, there were times I wondered why I had to cringe when I could fly.
I had my doubts, but after all I clipped my wings and learned to crawl.
I learned to bend, and in the end I did it Their Way.

And now, my fine young friends, now that I am a full professor,
Where once I was oppressed, now I become the cruel oppressor.
With me you’ll learn to cope, you’ll learn to climb life’s golden stairway.
But like me, you’ll see the light and do it Their Way.

For what is a man? What can I do? Open your books — read chapter two!
And if it seems a bit routine, don’t talk to me — go see the Dean.
They get their way, I get my pay… We do it Their Way!

Abraham Lincoln’s Thanksgiving Proclamation

Washington, D.C.
October 3, 1863
By the President of the United States of America.

A Proclamation.

The year that is drawing towards its close, has been filled with the blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies. To these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come, others have been added, which are of so extraordinary a nature, that they cannot fail to penetrate and soften even the heart which is habitually insensible to the ever watchful providence of Almighty God. In the midst of a civil war of unequaled magnitude and severity, which has sometimes seemed to foreign States to invite and to provoke their aggression, peace has been preserved with all nations, order has been maintained, the laws have been respected and obeyed, and harmony has prevailed everywhere except in the theatre of military conflict; while that theatre has been greatly contracted by the advancing armies and navies of the Union. Needful diversions of wealth and of strength from the fields of peaceful industry to the national defence, have not arrested the plough, the shuttle or the ship; the axe has enlarged the borders of our settlements, and the mines, as well of iron and coal as of the precious metals, have yielded even more abundantly than heretofore. Population has steadily increased, notwithstanding the waste that has been made in the camp, the siege and the battle-field; and the country, rejoicing in the consiousness of augmented strength and vigor, is permitted to expect continuance of years with large increase of freedom.

No human counsel hath devised nor hath any mortal hand worked out these great things. They are the gracious gifts of the Most High God, who, while dealing with us in anger for our sins, hath nevertheless remembered mercy. It has seemed to me fit and proper that they should be solemnly, reverently and gratefully acknowledged as with one heart and one voice by the whole American People.

I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens. And I recommend to them that while offering up the ascriptions justly due to Him for such singular deliverances and blessings, they do also, with humble penitence for our national perverseness and disobedience, commend to His tender care all those who have become widows, orphans, mourners or sufferers in the lamentable civil strife in which we are unavoidably engaged, and fervently implore the interposition of the Almighty Hand to heal the wounds of the nation and to restore it as soon as may be consistent with the Divine purposes to the full enjoyment of peace, harmony, tranquillity and Union.

In testimony whereof, I have hereunto set my hand and caused the Seal of the United States to be affixed.

Done at the City of Washington, this Third day of October, in the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and sixty-three, and of the Independence of the Unites States the Eighty-eighth.

By the President: Abraham Lincoln