“The Great Hair-coloring Massacree”

Sometimes you’ll do something that, even as you are doing it, you just know isn’t a good idea. But you do it anyway.

Case in point: I came in the house unexpectedly today and my wife was in the downstairs bathroom, and there was this strong smell coming from in there. Now, right away, you’re saying, “Uh, don’t go there,” but what you need to know is that she was wearing rubber gloves at the time. You also need to know that there are only two things she does in the bathroom that involve rubber gloves.

One is cleaning the bathroom, which usually involves strong and odorifous chemicals but this wasn’t bathroom cleaning day.

The second thing is to, um, refresh her hair color.

I walked closer and said, “Mmmm, smells colorful.” She looked a little disappointed that perhaps a tiny bit of The Mystery had departed. She did suggest, however, that if I could only learn to apply this elixir of youth it would be a big help in refreshing the tresses on the back of her head.

I recalled the long and expensive training and certification process the Mall Diva went through in order to be licensed to do that very thing, and said, “I don’t think that’s legal.”

“Oh, it’s no big deal,” she said, “you can have Faith (the Diva) show you how.”

“Sure,” I said, “it’s no big deal for you, but what about for me?” as I remembered an old story by Arlo Guthrie. “I mean, I really don’t want to be sitting in jail and having some big guy say, ‘What are you in for?’ and me having to say …


Okay, that didn’t get me into too much trouble. Blogging about it on the other hand….

6 thoughts on ““The Great Hair-coloring Massacree”

  1. Only if you were creating a nuisance, too, if I remember that song right. (and you and the hairdresser’s mom were jumpin’ up and down yelling “dye! Dye! dye!” and then that Mall Diva came into the room, pinned a comb on you said “you’re my dad” and sent you down the hall for more infections, inspections, neglections, and….)

  2. Bike Bubba, I don’t know whether to move away from on the bench or not for knowing all this, but yes, in fact, the song did include the following:

    …And I waked in and sat down and they gave

    me a piece of paper, said, “Kid, see the phsychiatrist, room 604.” And I went up there, I said, “Shrink, I want to kill. I mean, I wanna, I wanna kill. Kill. I wanna, I wanna see, I wanna see blood and gore and

    guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill, Kill, KILL, KILL.” And I started jumpin up and down yelling, “KILL, KILL,” and he started jumpin up and down with me and we was both jumping up and down yelling, “KILL, KILL.” And the sargent came over, pinned a medal on me, sent me down the hall, said, “You’re our boy.”

    …And they was mean and nasty and ugly and horrible crime-type guys sitting on the

    bench next to me. And the meanest, ugliest, nastiest one, the meanest father raper of them all, was coming over to me and he was mean ‘n’ ugly ‘n’ nasty ‘n’ horrible and all kind of things and he sat down next to me

    and said, “Kid, whad’ya get?” I said, “I didn’t get nothing, I had to pay $50 and pick up the garbage.” He said, “What were you arrested for, kid?” And I said, “Littering.” And they all moved away from me on the bench

    there, and the hairy eyeball and all kinds of mean nasty things, till I said, “And creating a nuisance.” And they all came back, shook my hand, and we had a great time on the bench, talkin about crime…

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