by the Minfidel
Lately I’ve been going to work in the dark, and coming home in the dark and, no, I’m not a night janitor. There is undeniable proof that the days are getting shorter. Not only that, but the projections I’ve seen suggest a dramatic, hockey-stick shaped surge in the amount of darkness in the coming weeks and months! We have got to DO SOMETHING!
Global darkening (also called “illumination change”) is a serious threat to all living creaures, with the possible exception of bats. Why, I understand that the further north you go the problem becomes even worse. Scientists predict that the North Pole will soon be covered in darkness nearly 24 hours a day! Think of the polar bears – they’ll be bumping into each other all the time unless we act now! There’s not a moment to lose when every moment loses us a little more daylight!
Don’t be fooled by those global-darkening deniers who callously say, “Don’t curse the darkness, just turn on a light.” These are evil people secretly funded by Big Electric who don’t care if our beautiful world sinks into a giant ocean of darkness were no one can see it and appreciate it. We’ll trade sunflowers, sun tea and sundresses for moths and things that go bump in the night! We should all be like Al Gore, who’s lovely estate pumps out 24-times the light of the average American home.
I blame the government for this crisis situation. Say what you will, but the days are definitely shorter since they did that so-called “Daylights Savings Time” change a couple weeks ago. Oh, sure, “Savings” – this pack of liars saves daylight about as effectively as they save jobs, and they’re redistributionists as well: I hear that there are other parts of the world where the days are actually getting longer right now. How can that be unless someone is taking our daylight and shipping it over to them? We get up early and work late to make a bright future for ourselves, only to have someone take our hard-earned light away and give it to other people!
Don’t fall into the trap of complacency, thinking, “well, it’s only a minute or two less a day.” That’s all well and good — if you want to wind up unemployed, in Greenland! Don’t try and tell me that this is “natural” and that the earth “has gone through this cycle multiple times before.” I know what I can see — or not see — with my own eyes, and the darkness is upon us. It may already be too late, but we can’t go down without fighting for what’s rightfully ours.
Fight global darkening — it’s the light thing to do!
For my part, I don’t much mind as long as the delivery guy keeps bringing me my Frosted Mini-Wheat fix every morning. Dark sugar fix? Light sugar fix? Makes no difference.
Oh, and stop mentioning Al Gore. He ruins my appetite.
I’m going to pretend you never said, ‘We should all be like Al Gore’.
[barf]
Personally, there’s something about the declining sun and the moon that makes working easier.
Pff’s a vampire.
I prefer immortal.
Don’t even go there, PFF.
[barf… again]
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