Breaking news

by the Night Writer

The big news for us is that Faith and Ben finally got back from their honeymoon yesterday. Of course, there are other things going on in the headlines, but it’s hard not to see everything in terms of the kids being back. For example, I’m so happy I’m thinking about turning over some police cars and setting small trees on fire. Nothing shows the world how happy you are like wanton property damage and abuse of authority, I guess. To follow the lead of the Laker fans I suppose we should have rampaged through our neighborhood immediately after the wedding three weeks ago, but I was just too tired.

With a couple fewer mouths to feed the last couple of weeks we’ve had quite a few leftovers piling up in the refrigerator. This, of course, is just another way Americans are killing the planet with our wastrel ways through excess food accumulating in landfills and producing methane gas that’s 20 TIMES WORSE THAN CARBON DIOXIDE! I thought the problem for years has been Americans eat too much, leading to an obesity epidemic, now we’re criticized for not cleaning our plates? Oh, if only we didn’t live in a functioning economy (for the moment) with an effective infrastructure that efficiently and cost-effectively delivers food to us on a daily basis! Don’t worry, I’m sure that within a few years the government will take care of this oversight while also mandating how much and what kinds of food we can buy. I mean, once the goverment takes over health care and we still die too expensively it’s only logical they regulate consumption for our own good. Or maybe they’ll just let the natural results of their policies run their course: whatever flaws the Soviet Union had, they certainly were never known for letting their wasted food pile up into methane-producing heaps.

Anyway, now that Ben’s back there is sure to be fewer left-overs, and the cattle industry can breathe a sigh of relief after demand took a brief dip in June. To be honest, though, I don’t know how much our household is actually contributing to the food piles in the landfill. I don’t recall ever throwing out any pizza or half a bag of Fritos. Our policy is simply that we will never throw good food away. We merely wrap it and put it in the refrigerator until it becomes bad food, and then we throw it away.

As for the riots in Iran, I guess they’re just upset that Faith and Ben decided not to visit there as part of their world-wide, whirlwind honeymmoon tour.

4 thoughts on “Breaking news

  1. I hope they brought back some marmite with them; I know Ben always spoke highly of it and how much he loved it. (or did that get confiscated at the airport as a banned substance)

    Did you plan a scrumptious sheep intestine dish for their welcome home feast.

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