Some things I would like to “kick-off”

With one afternoon and three nights of football between Thursday and Monday, and a double-header game on Monday as well, I saw quite a bit of football this past weekend. I saw some great plays, some bad plays — and several things on tv that really got on my nerves. If this keeps up, it’s going to be a long season.

NBC sideline reporter Andrea Kremer: Actually, I like Andrea myself, but someone has got to find out what her makeup stylist has against her. When she was on Thursday night’s game I nearly laughed outloud when I first saw her, but I figured it was just a bad night on somebody’s part. When she showed up looking exactly the same on Sunday night I started to worry. I’m talking hair like a shaved poodle, eyes that looked like they came out of a Mrs. Potato-head kit. And the Mall Diva says your blazer doesn’t have to be the same shade and color as your microphone cover. The way her head seemed to float there I thought somebody had replaced her with a bobblehead. Andrea, you’re smart, you’re sharp, you deserve better. Somebody’s out to get you and you need to find out who it is, fast.

Coors Light cold pack commercials: Okay, I’ve sat in advertising creative brainstorming sessions many times, and this series of commercials strikes me as something that would have been funny the first time for about 30 seconds and then the group would naturally move on to better ideas. How these faux post-game interviews — using clips from real coaches insterspersed with doofuses asking fawning questions about the “product” that oh-so-cleverly “match” what the coach really said — ever got made is beyond me. And by the way, isn’t putting the words “Coors” and “Light” together redundant? The only thing this commercial has going for it is that it didn’t resort to using boobs to sell beer — although based on the guys in the commercial, maybe they did.

Fox’s “vroop” noise: I was watching the Packers-Bears game and I kept hearing this strange electronic farting noise just after each play got underway. At first I was, like, “what the heck was that?” After about 20 minutes, I was saying, “what the HELL is that?” I couldn’t figure out what action the stupid sound was related to, though it obviously was meant to call my attention to something, right? Finally, after taking my eyes off the game for several plays, I discovered that it was a little tab at the top of the screen with down and distance information that would “vroop” as it disappeared. Ok, what is the point of calling my attention to something as it’s going away?

Monday Night Schmoozing: Why does the Monday Night Football production try to turn a football game into the Merv Griffin Show? It was bad enough during the pre-season when they had endless, inane sideline interviews that carried on while several plays went by in the background, but at least then you were only missing sloppy pre-season football by a bunch of guys who weren’t going to make the teams anyway. Last night, however, you’ve got your local team caught up in a tense battle with one of the NFC powers and we’re treated to 15 minutes of the camera focusing on Jamie Foxx and the broadcast team stroking each other — while the game goes on in the background ! Don’t make me turn on my radio!

Big name musical openings: Ok, the very first time Hank Williams, Jr. came out and bawled, “Are you ready for some football?” it was kind of cool, and fit the mood. That was 15 years ago, people. The bloom is off the rose, the gild is off the lily, the skin is off the pig. We already get the Star-Spangled Banner before every game, we don’t need you continuing to run this schtick into the ground, no matter how many stars you add to the band. Bocephus, really, playing fat, drunk and stupid might be a good living, but it’s no way to go through life. Stretch yourself, boy, do some Masterpiece Theatre or something. The worst of it is that now you’re not just copying yourself, you’ve got the other networks doing it too. Yo, NBC, just because you’ve been out of football for a long time it doesn’t mean going back in time makes something original. Having Pink come out for 3 minutes of unintelligble warbling while she trys to keep from falling out of her dress does not enhance my anticipation for the game. Look, I love football. I want to watch football. Football is a great game. It has large men crashing into each other at high speeds. If you like that kind of thing, you’re going to tune in and watch regardless. If you don’t like that kind of thing, a cameo appearance by some tarted-up chanteuse isn’t going to suck you in. Get on with the game!

Wow, so much negativity. There was one thing I really liked, however. It was the commercial with all the pro football players, ex-players and ex-coaches cast as high school football players while the dead, solid, perfect “Spirit in the Sky” song played in the background. I loved that every time it came on. I don’t know what they were advertising exactly, but I loved the commercial.

9 thoughts on “Some things I would like to “kick-off”

  1. Just before we left to go to the MOB event on Saturday I told Mocha-Momma: you look like a ‘tarted up chanteuse’ Good thing she changed, that wouldn’t have been a good first impression.

  2. Valid points all. It almost seems like they don’t have any confidence in viewers’ attention spans. If the producers knew their audience they would throw in more stats and technical explanations that weren’t directed at kindergartners. Also, they don’t really need to lecherously focus on cheerleaders. We get enough of that in the beer commercials.

  3. By the way, I checked out the NFL Replay on the NFL channel for a little while last night. It takes the best games from the weekend and replays them without all the time between plays, official reviews, etc. and features some different camera angles at times, along with post-game commentary from the players and coaches edited over the plays in question. It was kind of cool, but would have been really neat if I didn’t already know the outcomes of the games. Think of it, a whole game in 90 minutes! (Of course, what “they’re” thinking about is all the lost commercial time when you cut the game length in half.)

  4. I didn’t catch much football on the weekend, but did turn it on long enough to hear Dan Dierforf on some game. In the history of football announcers, I don’t think there has been anyone as bad as him. If he’s announcing, I watch it with sound off. If he said anything other than iterating the obvious, he would only get out about 3 lines per game.

  5. Color commentators like Dan Dierdorf are all the same person with different mustaches stuck on. Inanity, bluster and the obvious are the coins of the realm. If only we could all be paupers.

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