Watch out for sharks and lip-sticked pigs

Just when you think it’s safe to tune in to the ballpark, there’s blood in the water. I’ve been encouraged by the young, re-made Twins squad and their recent streak of competency and even excellence. Watching the extra-inning victory over the Astros Tuesday was the most fun I’d had watching a Twins game in I don’t know how long. But you might as well have cued the throbbing cellos and shark’s-eye POV as the door to the bullpen opened last night (dunh dunh dunh dunh dunh dunh duh) and out stepped Kyle Lohse, with the same look on his face as if he were being asked to test out the new shark cage. “Fare well and adieu, you fine Spanish ladies…”

Or as Goober, pinch-hitting for Batgirl, wrote

And that was that. The game was over, of course, from the second Kyle walked onto the field. The sucking followed him like a giant cloud; you could barely see him through the plumes of sucking. Viewers throughout the five state area were slapping the sides of their TVs trying to clear up the sucking on their sets. And the problem is especially bad in Houston — a town that knows how to work with sucking. They know that if you paint lipstick on a pig, there are some who might say, “that’s a dang attractive pig. Turns out I enjoy seeing lipstick on a pig. Indeed, I might like to put the innovators who lipsticked that pig up on the front page of my magazine. And perhaps those very same innovators might like to contribute to my opera hall and planetarium.”

Great Houston/Enron tie-in there, Goober, though in fairness to Lohse, he hasn’t stolen nearly as much money from the Twins as Kenneth Lay, et al, took from their former employees and stockholders. That is, however, the last bit of grace I’m going to extend to Kyle Lohse. I’ve had my fingers crossed for so long regarding him that they’re numb and gangrenous. The Twins are going to have to put a lot of lipstick on Lohse now to find someone who will take him off their hands.

“H” stands for heart; something he’s distinctly lacking. Drop that letter from Kyle’s last name and what does it spell?


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