So you want to be a sitcom star

“Hey, Da-ad, you got tagged!” quoth the Mall Diva last night from her perch in front of the computer.

I didn’t remember being hit with a tranquilizer dart, and I wasn’t wearing a radio collar, so I deduced she meant I’d been memed. “Who got me?” I asked, as my mind pondered the list of usual suspects (was it Keyser Soze?) and what revealing information I’d have to cough up.

“Yucky Salad with Bones.”

Oh! One of our faves. “Katie? Katie even knows I exist?”

“Apparently. What sitcom character do you wish you were?”

What in the name of Charles-Burrows-Charles? With the Mall Diva around, my life is more like a reality show. Hmmm, this was going to call for a trip in the Way-Back Machine, since I don’t know any of the current batch of sitcoms, and “recent” to me means Friends, which I never saw an entire episode of from start to finish, and Seinfeld which I only saw a handful of shows. Not much to go on there, so go back to the Golden Age of pre-cable television; back to Barney Miller, Cheers, Wings, M*A*S*H, Taxi and All in the Family.

Cliff or Normie? No, too close to real life.

Mork? Nanu, nanu, but no. With the red suit someone might think I was an out-of-season St. Paul Vulcan and arrest me. Also, way too much energy expenditure.

Basil Fawlty? Ah, good one — but nothing ever turned out well for him.

How about Rob Petrie: he’s a writer and has a really hot wife. Nah, that’s too close to real life as well. Same for Cliff Huxtable, and I’ve got that wise dad thing all covered, too.

Oh, I know: Thomas Magnum! He got to drive a Ferrari that someone else paid the insurance on, lived in Hawaii and had buns of steel (as opposed to my buns of double-ought lead buckshot) and was the only person in the world who didn’t look ridiculous in a Hawaiian shirt. Wait; not a sitcom.

I’ve got it! I want to be Bob Newhart!

It doesn’t matter which of his shows, since he was always Bob Newhart. I just love that guy’s sense of humor and deadpan, it’s-what-is-not-said-that’s-so-funny delivery. He was also always kind of like a cork that stayed on top of the waves no matter what, and he was at the center of my all-time, laugh-until-you-cry-and-fall-off-the-couch-out-of-breath funniest scene that I ever saw on television. That came at the end of the last episode of Newhart (the series where Bob owned a New England inn) where Bob goes to bed with his “wife” Mary Frann and wakes up in bed on the set of the old Bob Newhart Show with Suzanne Pleshette: the whole Newhart series was just a dream! Absolutely inspired!

Plus, Bob was always just an average-looking guy with a hot wife. I’m not giving that up!

The rules of the meme are that I get to tag three others, so I tag Surly Dave (and Iron Chef is not a sitcom), Cathy in the Wright, and Jeff at Peace Like a River (and no, you can’t be Jack Bauer because that show isn’t a sitcom, it’s science fiction).


Jeff offers his answer in the comments below.

Surly Dave wishes he were an illegal alien here.


Cathy in the Wright has completed her assignment. I almost said finally completed her assignment, but then her nose started to twitch so I backed off.

2 thoughts on “So you want to be a sitcom star

  1. Curse you, dastardly tagger. Can I meme here?

    Which sitcom characters would I like to be? Hmm.

    A) Sgt. Bilko from The Phil Silvers Show. At least when the schemes are going well. He’s zany, and always thinking.

    B) The Professor from Gilligan’s Island. He always got to work with the latest in coconut technology, and marooned on a tropical island with two hot chicks? Hummina hummina.

    C)Adam Quark from, uh, Quark. Zipping around the universe with the Bettys, madcap adventures, and a computer with the soothing voice. True, the ship was a garbage scow, but still, it was outer space!

    C-2) A tie for C would have to be Agent Smart of Get Smart. Oh, what adventures he had in the cutthroat deadly serious world of espionage. And who can forget the old triangulation device in the french bread trick.

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