Timothy, Mary Jane’s cousin

Any day now a 45-pound bale of a green, grassy substance known to produce a sense of euphoria and a case of the munchies will show up at my doorstep. People in brown or blue uniforms will have been paid off. No, my connection isn’t named Raoul (as far as I know) and the transaction won’t involve a shoebox full of five and ten dollar bills. It’s all been handled online and funds transferred via PayPal.

And it’s all because my wife likes sticking it to “The Man.”

The bale in question consists of timothy hay, and we’re getting it because our guinea pig has a hay habit that makes Cheech and Chong look like a Red Hat Society bridge club. My frugal wife, the Reverend Mother, is also known as the Finance Minister and is our chief procurement agent (that’s because one of my titles is Minister of Fritter and Waste). It bugged her to make repeated trips to PetSmart or Petco to buy, well, grass. Especially when she figured out it was costing about $2.50 a pound. OK, that’s not much I suppose as pet fodder goes, but it just seemed to her that there couldn’t be that much value added to preparing it for resale.

Sure enough, a little poking around on-line and she had a source ready to cut, bale and deliver for just under a buck a pound. You really can get just about anything on the Internet!

Now it’s just left to me to imagine the neighbor’s reaction when they see this green bale left on our doorstep, or what her new friends on the city police force might say.

Do you think they’ll believe us if we say it’s for personal use?


I received a telephone call from a mysterious reader to this blog Sunday night. The caller said, “Hey, man, I’ve got the stuff.”

My response: “Dave’s not here.”

10 thoughts on “Timothy, Mary Jane’s cousin

  1. A buck a pound?! Is there a huge market for guinea pig fodder? ‘Cause I can hook you up with some of Minnesota’s finest for $4.00 a bale.

  2. Dave, the typical Minnesota homegrown is cut with alfalfa, which our guinea pig disdains.

    By the way, the bale arrived without incident. Now the pig keeps asking for a blacklight.

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