Preview of Summer Blockbusters

The summer movie season will be upon us before we know it, and there are a number of promising – if somewhat familiar – films waiting in the wings. The one area where Hollywood can be considered conservative is in producing remakes of proven winners, and this summer will be no different. Here’s a sneak peak of the updated classics heading our way:

Dances With Moonbats: After a Civil War, a white “soldier” takes an assignment in the American West where he is quickly forgotten. Befriended by Indians who think he is funny, the man decides he really is an Indian. His idyllic life with little accountability is shattered, however, when he writes a letter claiming the soldiers killed at Little Big Horn were “little Napoleons” who had it coming. Starring Ward Churchill.

Network: the updated version of this movie reflects the growing consolidation of the Big Media and its struggle against the inroads of the new media. The surefire catchphrase that will become the movie’s trademark comes when two of the main characters in the Network loudly proclaim: “We’ve lied like Hell and we can’t fake it anymore!” before resigning their positions. Stars Dan Rather and Eason Jordan.

Animal House: A rogue fraternity of conservative college students face prejudice, persecution and double-secret probation from the school’s administration and other students while enjoying high-spirited antics such as “Oil for Food-Fights” in the cafeteria, putting a dead horse named Nixon in the Dean’s office and hosting a wild burqa party that gets out of hand. Stars Hugh “Who’s With Me?” Hewitt in the John Belushi role.

Gone With the Wind: Despite the name, this is a drama set in the future when enraged senior citizens march on Washington, D.C. and burn it to the ground when they discover that the money supposedly set aside for their Social Security benefits blew away years before. One of the most stirring scenes is supposedly when the citizenry topples the statue of Teddy Kennedy that is carved with his famous statement, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t have a plan.”

Judge Dread: An ideal summer action/comedy that borrows from several other movies. Hilarity ensues as the Democratic minority scrambles to avoid an up or down vote on the president’s judicial nominees, known as the Men and Women in Black. The Chair of the DNC is hoping that the moviegoing public will be distracted from seeing this film by the latest release in the “Scary Movie” franchise.

There you have it, the summer blockbusters of 2005 (though “Hugh Hewitt: The Movie” may be surprise dark horse). If you go to any of these, however, please remember that no true fiscal conservative would ever pay $7 for a tub of popcorn.

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