Should auld acquaintance … and where you parked your car … be forgot

Columnist and commentator (or “columntator” as he refers to himself) Simon Webster in the Sydney Morning Herald has some useful observations for those preparing to usher out the old year (and several thousand brain cells) in alcoholic revelry:

DOCTORS have warned people to monitor their drinking this New Year’s Eve. Failing to imbibe sufficiently may lead to long-term psychological trauma from spending long periods attempting to communicate with drunken dribblers.

Sober partygoers also face the risk of serious rib and lung damage. Research shows that just as drunks are more likely to survive falls from great heights because they are so relaxed, they are also more likely to escape unscathed after being hugged by sobbing overweight buffoons wearing paper hats.

Drunks, however, are more likely to fall from great heights in the first place, which may have skewed test results. Scientists have called for double-blind studies to be undertaken, as opposed to just blind-drunk ones.

Webster goes on to describe some of the Scottish heritage behind the annual celebration:

Auld Lang Syne is, of course, a Scottish song, written by 18th-century poet Robert Burns. Roughly translated it means “Old Long Sign” and is about a raucous New Year’s Eve that Burns spent in the Welsh village of Llanfair pwllgwyngy llgogerych- wyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

So seriously do the Scots take New Year’s Eve that they have January 2 as a public holiday. They give their marathon celebrations a special Scottish name, Hogmanay, which is Glaswegian for hiccup.

But the Scottish capital Edinburgh is reeling from a lack of bookings this year, London’s Guardian newspaper reports. For once the city’s hotels are not booked out.

Hogmanay organisers say the lack of interest is due to gales that forced the last-minute cancellation of the city’s street party twice in the past four years. When you’ve got a street full of men in kilts, the last thing you want is strong winds.

Mr. Webster also happens to share my affinity for commenting on television commercials, and later in the same article brings us this report:

A CHICKEN fast-food outlet’s ad featuring a pole-dancing mum has become the most complained-about ad in Australian TV history.

It broke the previous record-holder, an ad for mints in which a bare-chested man had long, erect nipples. The record-holder before that had been a beer ad depicting a tongue that left its owner’s body in search of a stubbie. The combined effect of consuming chicken burgers, mints and beer can be seen on certain special interest pay-per-view channels.

The pole-dancing commercial attracted 300 complaints about the level of nudity and the depiction of mums as erotic dancers, The Sydney Morning Herald reported last week.

The Advertising Standards Bureau dismissed the complaints, saying pole dancing had become a mainstream activity.

The board was split on the issue of nudity and had to watch the ad over and over again to make up its mind.

Perhaps we’re missing the main injustice here. Three hundred complaints is a lot but there would have been plenty more if chickens could write.

With news like that, this year can’t end soon enough.

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