The Reverend Mother (RM), Mall Diva (MD) and Tiger Lilly (TL) are live-blogging another out-for-coffee expedition.
In the car:
MD: You’re cute, Patience.
TL: Thanks, you’re cute, too.
RM gazes at her daughter in the rear view mirror (menacingly, according to TL)
TL: Oh, okay, mom, you’re cute, too.
RM: Thanks.
At Panera in Eagan:
MD: Is it yummy?
RM nods.
RM: What’s in that bag?
MD: That pineapple thing.
MD: I love lemon poppyseed bundt cake. I hope I don’t have a drug test this afternoon.
RM: The bump, I mean bundt, cake isn’t as good as the pumpkin muffie.
RM: That guy behind you is on his laptop while his wife knits.
MD: Yep, that’ll be me and my husband someday.
RM: He’ll be knitting?
MD: Totally! I can’t knit.
TL: Argh! I’m having thumb cramps again! I almost killed a man with this thumb!
RM: You have crumbs all over you. You’re crummy!
TL: Thanks, mom.
RM: I woke up in a bad mood this morning…
TL: You woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
RM: No, I woke up on the right side of the bed.
MD: Nuh-uh! You woke up on the left side of the bed!
TL: So what happened when you got up on the wrong side of the bed?
RM: That’s what I need you guys to help me remember. What do you think I had you for?
TL: I don’t know! I was under the impression that you didn’t want us! …So, are you out of your bad mood yet?
RM: He** no, leave me alone!
MD & TL: *Gaaaasp!!!!*
MD: I need another cup of coffee.
RM: I need another pair of blue jeans.
TL: I need a video camera.
RM: I don’t think a video camera is a need.
TL: Yeah it is!
RM: It’s a luxury.
MD: My need is the most easily fulfilled.
RM: Coffee?
MD nods
TL: Not after I break your cup.
MD: That would be stupid.
TL: I think a scar in the eyebrow is the most dashing kind of scar.
RM: Where did that word “dashing” come from? It must be ‘cuz they dash about town.
The conversation deteriorates to ladies’ men and hunter-gatherers and how they differ…
MD goes to get more coffee. When she comes back RM and TL are giggling uncontrollably.
MD: What are you laughing at? I don’t trust you.
RM reading what had been written.
RM: This is so dumb!
RM: You know, I don’t feel like Christmas shopping this year, you guys.
MD: So? It doesn’t matter how you feel!
TL: Coal for you, Faith!
RM: Yeah…that coal is starting to look better and better!
MD: Noooo!
TL: Well, you get enough of it and you can make diamonds! Take a 10,000 lb weight and crush the coal with it!
RM: No, I don’t think that’s how diamonds are made. I think they just made that up because of a lack of information. I believe that God made all the diamonds and put them where they are.
TL: In rings?
RM: No!! In the ground!
RM is looking at a hair that was stuck to TL.
RM: Where did this come from? Its not one of yours! It’s black!
TL: Don’t you remember when MD dyed my hair black?
RM: Well, when was that? It has to have been 2 years, it’s all grown out.
MD: Yup, it was when I was in beauty school. ’05. Two years.
TL: Wow. Faith is gettin’ old.
RM: Yeah! She’s going to be 20!
TL looks horrified.
TL: She’s going to have wrinkles!
TL: So how’s that bad mood coming along?
RM: What?
TL: That bad mood.
RM gazes into the middle distance.
MD: I wanted to tell you something. This won’t be interesting to people.
[…..
…..
…..]
RM laughs
[Crashing sound in the kitchen.]
TL: That wasn’t very much of a crash. That was more of a clang.
MD: A crash is more like something broke.
TL: Like if I dropped your cup. I have this vendetta aginst your coffee cup, I don’t know why.
MD: Maybe my cup has a vendetta against you. You better watch your butt, man.
TL: Dude! There is no way a guy can watch his own butt.
(What movie is that from?)
RM: So, what do you want for Christmas?
MD: Shoes! And purses! And diamonds are a girl’s best friend!!!
RM: Tell me things that are less than 30 dollars.
Silence ensues.
END
Bad language and threatening violence? Talking about a dude watching his own butt? Shocking and shameful. At least you mentioned pineapples. They’re great. Oh, and the the geological discussion with TL’s one liner was pretty good too.
That was fun. More fun than the others, or I’m just getting into this.
What I learned from this post:
– RM sleeps on the left side of the bed
– RM is apparently capable of uttering a cuss word…I didn’t think she even thought them.
– TL has a violent streak
– TL has a boyfriend with black hair
– MD is getting old
– MD is also almost old enough to legally drink, which would handicap one of my easiest methods of irritating NW. Will have to rely on TL after that.
– MD like to tell uninteresting stories….that still make people laugh.
– TL points out one can’t watch their own butt. However, the NightHens don’t have to worry, I think Strom has their butts covered.
– MD wants a husband that knits and makes enough money to buy her lots of diamonds. This explains why she is still single.
That’s right, Kevi. I’m a spinster.
So nobody knows what movie the “watch their own butt” quote is from?
Kevi: I promise you I didn’t think that beforehand, it just came out that way. The next post we write is going to be called: The NightHens Uncensored!
Kevin’s right. That whole knitting requirement might make it difficult for Diva to find a husband. On the other hand Kevin, I’m not too sure that TL is the boozing type. You might have to search for another burr to put under his saddle.
“NightHens Uncensored”? Followed, no doubt, by “NightHens Gone Wild”, “NightHens Spring Break” … and “NightHens Behind Bars”?
Watch it, or it might be “NightHens, Unplugged.”
Kevin~ I have a boyfriend? Since when? I’d better warn him, whoever he is…
UB: I’ve always wanted to try a margerita and a cocktail… But otherwise, your’re right, I like my brain cells and I intend to keep them alive until I die.
Kevin, “TL has a violent streak” — is that really new information?
MD, when you find your rich husband, will you really make him knit, or can he just buy you knitted things?
Make him knit? I figure by the time I meet him, knitting will have been his hobby for years and he can sweep me off my feet by knitting me beautiful wristsweaters that show off his mad skillz and the diamonds on my fingers…*sigh*
Don’t wake me up.
You know, I didn’t fill her head with this kind of foolishness. Where do you think she got it? I’m much more pragmatic than she is.
Oooooo. I just now noticed the Dear NW put up a new quote with me in mind.
“The Dear NW”? I suppose we’ll let you get away with that since you’re married. But the gag reflex was strong for a second.
Okay, maybe that was a little harsh. I repent.
RM : Don’t worry, I believe it was Mark Twain who uttered “Swearing can sometimes provide a relief denied even by prayer.”
TL : Look at it this way, the braincells that are going to die are the weakest ones right?? And a chain is only as strong as it’s weakest link right??? So by drinking you are removing those weak links, resulting in a stronger overall product. Or at least that’s the excuse I’m sticking with. Just look at what it’s made me today!!!
MD : I wish you and your 20 future cats the best of luck.
NW : “NightHens Gone Wild”??? Do I even bother replying?? About the only response I can think of that won’t end up with being being a corpse, is “Can I be the camera man?”, and even that is likely to end up with me in traction for about 20-30 years.
MD,
I did a little research (Google: “wrist sweaters” picture): This post clearly shows that when wearing wrist sweaters (such as what your future beau may knit), the material goes well onto the fingers, almost to the second knuckle.
Therefore, even if said beau were to, as you say, “show off his mad skillz and the diamonds on my fingers,” one would not be able to see said diamonds due to the presence of the insidious wrist sweaters.
Would a man be so stupid as to buy diamonds and then cover them up with his knitting skillz (wait, don’t answer that…)?
Ha! Now that’s hard-hitting journalism. Take that, M.D.E. (Mall Diva exposed?)!
“Mall Diva Exposed”?? I’m pretty sure I don’t like where this is going.
As for the “insidious” wrist sweaters, not all wrist sweaters pass the knuckles. And I have faith in future beau to be clever enough to custom-knit the wrist sweaters to show off any bling. They could be an original design and sell for millions- no, no! billions! -of dollars!
Haha, ok, just kidding on that last sentence.
Mall Diva Exposed….once again, a topic I can’t comment on due to my desire to stay alive!
Someone who custom-knits wrist sweaters??? You sure this is a man you’re looking for right??
You sure you’re not looking for something else….not that there is anything wrong with that you see. In fact it might significantly improve the sales of the “NightHens Gone Wild” and “Mall Diva Exposed” line of videos.
Your desire to stay alive seems weak Kevin. I’ll go to your funeral, but don’t expect a eulogy because you will have brought it on yourself.
So anyone want to take bets on how he gets killed? I figure NW has got a sense of humor, so it’ll probably be something like drowning him in beer or making him watch Barbra Streissand videos until his head explodes.
You’re sick, Kevin! Sick sick sick!
“You better watch your butt, man!”
We could make Kevi watch the movie this line comes from! He’d probably like it, though. Scratch that. I know!!! Let’s make him dance dance til his legs fall off!
As my sister’s wedding proves, I can dance all night long…with enough a large enough beer supply and if people are constantly bringing me more on the dance floor.
Hmmm, drowning in beer….
“This isn’t heaven, this sucks!”
For 20 points, what movie is that from?
Hey! Get in line!!! They haven’t even guessed our movie yet!!
Kevin,Ben: Remember, the Night Writer does not sleep. He waits.
Me? He’s the one dreaming up all kinds of weird video ideas, and beer dispensing plans! “The Narrow Way” is my middle name.
Kevi, your quote reminded me of another one:
“I don’t love her! She kicked me in the face!!”
Know what that’s from?
heehee! My dad is channeling his inner Chuck Norris!
“The Night Writer doesn’t sleep. He waits.”
He snores, too. Trust me on this.
LOL, he snores while he waits?? Interesting.
Weird video ideas??? I’m looking to make MD and the rest of the NightHens a little cash. Then they can buy the diamonds they want. I’m not gonna play any part in the wrist sweaters though. MD and her cats are on their own there.
This has to be the longest comment thread every on this blog BTW.
Buy my own diamonds??
Where’s the fun in that?
No, Kevi-wevi. If you’ll go to my open thread, it got thirty comments. But if we get just 2 more comments, THEN it will be the longest comment thread.
Sorry, I’m being literalistic (is that a word?)
The longest comment thread ever on this blog, I believe, was 32 on the inaugural NightHens chat. I think nakedness was mentioned.
Ok, I did some more research.
The (first) quote is from “Good Burger,” which I’m proud to say I haven’t seen. Thank you again, Google.
Not only hard-hitting, but in depth journalism, as well. I admire your perspicacity.
Thanks, I think… **Googling “perspicacity”**
Yeah, thanks.
Is this the record-breaking comment??
Um, yeah it was. Didn’t do much to make it special, did ya Stover?! Criminy, those Cub/Cowboy fans are so gauche.
Did you just say Cowboy fans are gauchos?
Gaucho is fine — just don’t call me a gay caballero.
And Ben, if by not special, you mean that I didn’t use any of them fancy French words, yer darn tootin’!
Would the quote be from Strange Brew, Kevin?
Ahhh, Goodburger. How I love that movie!!
“Strawberry jacuzzi!!”
Very good FlickerFeather….a classic movie if there ever was one.
Although today I’ve had one movie in particular running through my head, ever since I saw a guy that looked EXACTLY like Ogie Oglethorpe.
“This young man has had a very trying rookie season, what with the litigation, the notoriety, his subsequent deportation to Canada and that country’s refusal to accept him…Well, I guess that’s more than most 21-year-olds can handle. Number six, Ogie Oglethorpe.”
Name the movie….
And did someone mention nakedness while I was gone???
Only in your fevered dreams Kevin. Straighten up and fly right!
Kevin: “Slapshot!” I’ve got the anniversary edition on my Netflix queue! I’m putting on the foil even now in anticipation! I don’t expect the NightHens will appreciate the movie, though.
Holla! we broke 40!
Hey, MD, do you think we should try for 50? Or should we give ’em a break for Friday?
Let’s make ’em work. 50 comments is what? &comments away? They could do that before lunchtime!
Actually, I already had lunch, but that’s okay.
I had lunch too. Whatever German potato salad is, it isn’t good.
Parts of Slapshot are really funny. Mainly the bits when they’re hitting each other. 70s Appalachia doesn’t get me too excited though.
Very nice NW, you obviously have the good taste in movies in that house. How one could not enjoy “let em know you’re there” is beyond me.
UB : You know not of what you speak…you make me sad.
MD : How much is “&” exactly??? It’s been awhile since I took a calculus class but I was pretty sure it was restricted using letters as variables. At the very least I need the rest of the equation.
I suppose you could be using “&” in the software sense, in which case you were trying to display the physical memory address of the variable “comments”. However, I’m not sure how that would make sense in the context of your statement.
I think you have your wristsweaters on too tight.
NW: your “The Nightwriter never sleeps…” line would sound so much more threatening if you had added “….in his haggar-the-horrible super-flex waistband slacks”. Try it on…see/hear?….doesn’t that sound so much more sinister?
MD: You could diversify the wrist sweater line by knitting some up that were tight enought to serve as carpel tunnel braces. Use your dad as a test subject as I’m sure this blogging thing can get repetive and stressful.
Oh shut up, Kevin. Don’t you realize I’m “shift”-button-happy?
HB: I guess I haven’t made it clear that I CANNOT knit. Aunt Joyce tried to teach me- it didn’t work! That’s something that the future beau will have to work on.
Shut up?? Wow, I thought it was just RM that got up on the wrong side of the bed?
I didn’t get up on the wrong side of the bed! Did you happen to see the time my comment was posted? 8:27 pm. Way past my bed time!!
Well, that’s 50! Thank you all for coming and stay tuned for our next crazy episode that will be taking place within the next hour. We’ve got mystery guests!!!
Never mind, this is 50. See ya!