Check out these pants in the family!

OK, fair warning to all would-be lay-about boyfriends; jerks who let their dogs crap in my yard and don’t clean it up; yahoos who play their car stereos so loud the vibrations can rearrange my internal organs; and pouty, sunken-chested boys who don’t wash the car when you tell them to: I finally bought myself a pair of Haggar slacks as advertised by Pete and Red on their how-to show, “Making Things Right.”

Alright, that’s not really a tv show, it’s just a series of tv commercials made to look like a show, as I described before. Nevertheless, I’ve been impressed by Pete and Red’s demonstrations of the flexibility of the “Do-it To-it” waistband, the unbustable seams and the un-rippable pockets as they threw slackers through picture windows or trowelled dog-doo onto clueless jerks so I went out and bought myself a pair in a color I like and made in some mystery fabric described as “micro-gabardine”. They look great and feel terrific, as I’ve already practiced “bending at the knees and swinging from the hips, which comes in handy when you have to grab a squirmy one.”

The only problem is that all the Haggar slacks I had to choose from happened to be pleated. The day after I bought them my wife pointed out that the gay guys who write the Withering Glance column in the Strib had declared pleated pants to be totally out-of-it. Actually, I think this would strike Pete and Red as another product benefit: “Great slacks and you won’t have gay guys checking you out.”

The pants were also a little long, but the Reverend Mother is great at hemming slacks for me. Therefore Sunday right after church I changed out of my suit and pulled on the new pants, then called downstairs to my wife that I was ready for her to come and mark my new slacks for sewing. She called back upstairs, “are they the Haggars?” I responded affirmatively, whereupon I then heard both my daughters yell, “Run!” to the unsuspecting fella who had innocently followed us home from church for lunch. Heh, heh, they work great already and she hasn’t even hemmed them yet.

Anyway, you can check out “Making Things Right” for yourself here. All four commercials are shown in their long form, including some details that I’m certain will never make it to network tv.

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