Some readers may have gathered that I have a teenage daughter. A few days ago I posted my theories on dating and requirements for friendship. The reactions I’ve had from this post – and ensuing discussions – have reminded me of something that Joe Soucheray read on his great Garage Logic radio program several years ago: his “Application to Date my Daughter.”
I’d love to link you this useful and intriguing document, but it doesn’t appear to be on the Garage Logic site any more. I did, however, have the foresight to download this years ago for future reference and I include it here as a follow up to my previous post and in appreciation for the great job Mr. Soucheray does. If dating were an option for my daughters, this application would be the one I’d use.
I repeat – I did not write the following; I only wish I had. (Format altered to fit this blog, but text is as it originally appeared.)
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
DATE OF BIRTH:
SOCIAL SECURITY #:
DRIVERS LICENSE #:
BOY SCOUT RANK:
Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? If No., EXPLAIN:
Number of years your parents have been married:
Do you own a van? A truck with oversized tires? A waterbed? Do you have an ear ring, nose ring, belly button ring, tattoo or pierced tongue? (If “yes” to any of these, discontinue application and leave premises.)
In 25 words or less, what does “LATE” mean to you?
In 25 words or less, what does “DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER” mean to you?
In 25 words or less, what does ‘ABSTINENCE” mean to you?
Church you attend:
How often do you attend:
When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister?
Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won’t tell anyone – ever – I promise.)
a) If I were shot the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is:
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
c) A woman’s place is in the:
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her:
(NOTE: If your answer begins with “T” or “A”, discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
What do you want to be IF you grow up?
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
________________________________________ Signature ( That means your name, moron)
Thank you for your interest Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases. (You might want to watch your back)