That’s what it says on a tee-shirt long coveted by my wife and oldest daughter. I’m guessing that it may also be favored by Claude Peck and Rick Nelson, the writers behind the Withering Glance column, the StarTribune’s paean to metrosexuality and snarky boy-talk on fashion and grooming. In a recent column they took a slap not only at men who wear too much cologne, but also at those whose selected scents are passe.

Personally, I didn’t know that men’s fragrances fell in and out of style like the widths of lapels and ties, but I guess it’s not that surprising. You really can’t promote something as being “in” this year unless there’s a corresponding something that’s “out” and I probably would have realized this if I thought as much about cologne as I do, say, about the air pressure in my tires. I guess I better not dust-off those old bottle of Grey Flannel or Devon Country if I don’t want to get sneered out of Bellanotte (or I could just avoid Bellanotte).

I blame my lack of sophistication on my upbringing. I didn’t have much exposure to splash-on manly scents beyond Old Spice, Avon’s Wild Country (in a cool-looking duck-shaped bottle) or some good old Aqua Velva. (I do remember thinking at one time back then that it would be cool to have some Hai Karate aftershave because I thought, based on the commercials, that it automatically gave you martial arts powers).

Apparently these days a guy has to be sensitive to the dictates of the fashionistas and the nuances of sandalwood undertones. Such complexity outside of my experience makes me conservative and unwilling to take chances. Outside of a good soap and a strong deodorant, the only time I stick my neck out is when I see my wife coming at me with one of those scent samplers torn from a magazine. I try to avoid having my presence be offensive, but other than that what I smell like isn’t that important to me.

I know, I’m missing the point. I’m not supposed to wear cologne because I like it, but because other people (presumably women) do. I hang out with guys a lot and I’m sure I’ve smelled cologne or aftershave occasionally, but it’s never made a memorable impression on me. There must be something about the way a woman’s olfactory receptors are wired to her receptiveness – or at least that’s the story we guys are buying. If you tell us that rolling in fish guts will have women curling up in our laps like the family cat then we’ll do it (yeah, there are guys who’d roll in fish guts anyway, but you get my point). Furthermore, shouldn’t a woman be attracted by a scent that communicates the guy is an earnest, hard-working fellow and a good provider, something like an eau-de-livelongday scent? Instead, why do so many men’s colognes have all the bad boy subtlety of a wife-beater tee-shirt and steel-toed cowboy boots?

And here’s another thing: supposedly, guys wear scents that are scientifically proven (we like that science business) to attract women. But why do women wear perfume? Most of the flowery, fruity things I smell don’t do much as far as piquing my interest. There was a time, though, in the 80s when Obsession ruled the world that I’d get nauseous when I smelled it because it actually reminded me of Shelltox, an aerosol insecticide we used when I was growing up to kill wasps in our garage. If the flowery, fruity stuff isn’t for attracting guys then does that mean women wear perfume for other women? And if that’s the case, shouldn’t guys splash on the flowery, fruity when they’re trying to attract women – even if it smells worse to us than fish guts?

Again, I’m in over my head on this subject, so I’d like to know from other guys what colognes, if any, you wear and why, along with any successes or spectacular disasters you’ve experienced as a result. Similarly, ladies, what do you like to smell on a man, and why? And just so it’s not one-sided, I’ll share this:

The scent that really gets my attention and makes my heart pound is pork cutlets and sauerkraut. Ohhh, baby!

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